Sixteen Tongues (1999)

The story goes as following: in an S&M hotel, where walls are full of porn ads and the TV screens show porn the whole time, unless you pay to turn the television off, stay 3 different people, who all must deal with their problems. The first is Adrian, a cop who was severely injured in a blast. His skin was replaced with the material from the tongues of 16 people (there's your title). Because of this he can literally taste his own clothes and everything he touches. The second is a female hacker, Alik, who's constantly accessing the Web in search for information. But, not with a computer. She hardwires herself into the system at a price. Third - Alik's lover, the assassin Ginny. She must deal with the urge to kill and with the artificial clitorises that are situated under both eyelids making her orgasm every time she blinks.
Doesn't this sound like a fantastic flick??? Doesn't it? Yeah, it ain't. Sure, I understand that we are talking about a flick with a limited budget, but that doesn't forgive some major problems. If you're gonna make a flick with sex as one of the drives of the film then it's time to make a porno. That is the one thing that might have set this flick above the rest. And I don't mean the boring porn of today. I mean intertwine an interesting storyline, which this movie has with some harcore. This is failure point number one.
The assassin chick, Ginny, is very cool and pretty damned hot. That works.
The whole thing looks like it was shot in a hallway of a shitty apartment building in New York. The interesting part; the various rooms of decadence were shown briefly and should have been explored a little more to give some depth to the environment.
Having people pay for everything from using the water to turning off the television was a bizarre lift from Phillip K. Dick's superior novel UBIK. I did like that the ice machine proclaimed that the ice was made of 92% water. Very funny.
In the end, the movie doesn't take the risks it needs to be a truly unforgettable film. This makes it a waste of time and I hope that I saved some people some time with this blast from the recent past.

THE DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN A.K.A. SNAPSHOT (1979)

So, THE DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN? Yeah, right. What they did was take a lukewarm thriller and slap a new title on it. SNAPSHOT is more indicative of what the film is about as we get the young and naive Angela (played by the ultra cute Sigrid Thornton of The Man From Snowy River fame) who poses for a new ad campaign where she walks through the surf with her top off. She has a lecherous old man after her, a washed up lesbian after her and her wacky boyfriend who drives an ice cream truck is also in this particular Mambo line. Sheesh!
Although I can't blame any of them as she is quite lovely.
So, what does this have to do with the John Carpenter film, HALLOWEEN. Nothing, Nada, zip, that's what. The people who owned the flick figured they could make a buck and apparently they did.
Does that make this a bad film? I don;t know about bad, but I do know that it was boring as all get out. Well, except for the nude scenes. Those were nice, but does that make the movie? Again, I'm afraid I must say no.
Look at this one as a public service from the folks at Divine Exploitation. We watch movies like this one so you don't have to. Go find something good to watch. We'll stay here and weep about our wasted lives.

The Alcove

Severin Films once again brings us more of the amazing career of Joe D'Amato. In The Alcove we get the international sex symbol Laura Gemser as an African Princess brought home by a military officer as a slave. It isn't long before she is sucked into the decadence of lesbianism, voyeurism, drugs and pornography and revels in it. It isn't long before the world she has come to know starts to crash down around her ears as she slips further and further into decadence.
While The Alcove sounds good on paper, this flick actually is kind of dull and predictable. I saw the ending coming from a mile away and that's a shame. If you are a die hard Gemser or D'Amato fan then Severin has given you a beautiful print of a gorgeous film. It just doesn't have much more going for it.
The DVD also comes with a small interview with D'Amato that doesn't give any huge revelations, but does show the master of sleaze in his environment.

TERROR ON TOUR (1980)

So, I've been on a kick of watching 80's slasher flicks of late. I like the no budget ones where no one goes on to do anything in the business. This one almost fits the bill with the exception of Larry Thomas a.k.a. The Soup Nazi. His acting is so bad that even he posted an apology on IMDB.
So, we have a group of guys who dress in clown makeup and demolish mannequins onstage while they rock and roll. Behind the scenes it's all drugs and titties and parties and titties. Did I mention titties? Yeah, there are a lot of them in all shapes and sizes in this flick.
Well, anyway, someone is wearing Clown makeup and slashing women to pieces in this flick. The police are stumped and the concert must go on so it's time to bait the trap with a cute girl who owes the detective in charge a favor.
Terror On Tour is pretty predictable. But, that's not what I look for in and 80's slasher flick. There should be blood. Check. Boobs. Check. And just a low rent look to the proceedings. Check and triple check. Terror On Tour has all of these things. My one beef is that it ends in a weird place. It should have been about five more minutes. In my humble opinion I think that there was just that one last push that the movie needed to end on a high note. In its current state it ends on a mid note which is just unsettling and I don't mean in a good way.
Couldn't find a trailer so you'll have to make due with the VHS box cover for this one.

NEW YEAR'S EVIL (1980)

A slasher flick where Roz Kelly of Happy Days fame as the wisecracking Pinky Tuscadero, stars as a DJ who is doing a televised broadcast in all the time zones of The United States. What she soon finds out that there is a maniac killing people when each time zone reaches midnight and he's closing in on her.
I remember when this first came out. I can see the marquee at The State Theater in downtown Kalamazoo proclaiming its arrival.
Yeah, I didn't see it. I think I may have rented it once during the VHS mom and pop store boom, but I really didn't remember much. I liked Roz Kelly, but her sister Leather Tuscadero played by the smoking hot Suzi Quatro was much cooler to me.
This year I popped in a disc of the flick on New Year's Day. It was pretty standard and, since it was early, I fell asleep after the first relatively bloodless murder. The part of the film I saw was rather chaste and bloodless for a film sold as a slasher flick. I might finish it and, who knows? It might get better. If it does then I'll report back here. I kinda doubt that will happen, but ya never know.

TOP NINE OF 2009

I couldn't find ten movies that I wanted on a list, but I was pretty happy with these so, in no particular order.

TWATLIGHT by Chris Seaver
Seaver always makes me laugh and when he manages to skewer such a popular flick and still keep it within the confines of his self created universe you know you're in for something special. Billy Garberina as Stella's dad about killed me everytime he appeared on screen.
Another of his that needs checking out for the year is I SPIT CHEW ON YOUR GRAVE the best rape revenge comedy ever made.
MY BLOODY VALENTINE IN 3D
Those of you that know me, know that I despise remakes, especially of my beloved slasher flicks of yesteryear, but I went and saw this anyway.
It was such fun! The guy getting his jawbone hooked by a pickaxe and flung into the audience was the most hysterical thing I have seen in a while. The little homages to the original flick and the blatant sequel ending made me feel like I was back in the 80's. In a good way of course.
CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS
I saw the trailer for this and thought it was stupid. The kids wanted to go see it and I groaned. we went and I have not laughed this loud in a theater since I saw HOT FUZZ! Neil Patrick Harris as Steve the monkey! Awesome! Mr. T is in it. There are so many jokes and sight gags and just so much wonderness that I can't help but love this flick. This was the best animated flick of the year and I am fully aware that I just dissed UP. Don't care. This was better.
MY MOUTH LIES SCREAMING
If Michael Legge makes it, I watch it. Simple as that. His funny take on the giallo genre is a wonder to behold. The fact that the bow tie killer actually kills people with bowties is very funny. Set firmly in the Sideshow Cinema Universe this is one of the best things that Michael Legge has ever done. It's no LOONS, but nothing is going to top LOONS with me.
DEAD SNOW
Two words; Nazi Zombies.
WATCHMEN
I was a little worried going into this one. I had read the twelve issue series before it had been collected into the book that most people read. I can remember the months of waiting between issues that most people didn't experience. This was a comic book made for me. I loved this comic book. If this went South I was gonna get angry.
It was very good.
See, I didn't say great, but very good. Why? Well, there were many things that I loved about the film, but I had already loved them in the book. There were a few touches separate from the book that I liked, but really, no octopus monster? It would have worked and people would have bought into it. And IMAX made no difference in watching this except for the lightness of my wallet.
NINJA ASSASSIN
I went into this with no expectations and it delivered in spades. No real story to get in the way of the plot. An epic amount of ninja kickassery. Lots of spewing gore reminiscent of some of my favorite Japanese films. This movie had it all. It was a ton of pure movie watching fun.
INGLORIOUS BASTERDS
I usually have hit or miss with Tarantino. Some of his stuff is great, other stuff not so much. Having said that, this is a wonderful movie. I bought it on DVD the day it came out. Christoph Waltz is the best villain in so many years that I love to watch his performance over and over again. The best thing I can say about this film is that even though half of it is subtitled my nine year old sat there for the whole thing and was a little sad when it was over. So was I. I would love a good four hour cut of this film.
OBSERVE AND REPORT
This is my favorite movie. I love this movie. I said that these were in no particular order, but I really, really, really love this movie. I am not a Seth Rogen fan. He does alright, but I'm not a fan. He is not why I love this movie. I think I love this movie because of how real it is. Director Jody Hill knocked this one out of the park. People in this deserve Academy Awards and probably won't get them. Of all of these films on this list, this is the one that you needs to see. Well, this and MY MOUTH LIES SCREAMING, but this especially. If Jody Hill makes another film sign me up. Pure fucking unadulterated genius. I never get tired of watching this movie.

So, there ya go folks! The Top Nine flicks of the year. Now, for one last thing; I thought I would put out a best DVD release of the year. I am all about the packed DVD set and one company has always come through for me. I am, of course, speaking of Alternative Cinema and the DVD set in question is
SKIN IN THE 70s GRINDHOUSE COLLECTION



You get four films, a informative booklet that explains a lot about these four films and, well four of the most bizarre flicks of the time period. Here's what you get;

Blue Summer (1973) - Follow Tracy and Gene on a wild summer road trip full of hitchhiking hotties and crazy-ass roadside adventures. Starring Darcy Hollingsworth and Chris Jordan, this sexy 70s feature is the ultimate if the van’s a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’!
This one made me thirsty for Carling Black Label Beer. They drink crates of the stuff in this flick! I did manage to hunt down a store nearby that sells it and it is worth the trip. Great beer and a trippy movie to boot.

Sometime Sweet Susan (1975) - Beautiful but silent, the mysterious Susan harbors a deep and disturbing secret in this soft cut of the breakthrough 1975 sexy shocker starring Harry Reems and Shawn Harris. This is a weird film and doesn't really belong with the other three, but Shawn Harris is gorgeous to look at.

Summer School Teachers (1974) - What goes on when three co-ed cuties are hired as summer substitute teachers? A silly, sensual, Seventies sex romp featuring starlets Candice Rialson (Carnival of Souls) and Pat Anderson. Did he really do that with his teacher? Don’t let the school board hear about this one!
I got two words for ya; Candice Rialson. This blond bombshell was amazing and funny and gorgeous to boot. It's sad that she isn't with us anymore, but we have films like this one to remember her by.

Teenage Divorce a.k.a. Josie’s Castle (1972) - Three free spirits cut their ties with the old-fashioned “square” world and shack up in a love commune. A Seventies cult favorite featuring Star Trek’s George Takei (“Mr. Sulu”).
Mr. Sulu as a pot smoking hippy. Did you need another reason? I didn't think so.
Everyone needs to get ahold of this set from the folks at Alternative Cinema. Their website is charging less than 20 bucks for all this classic entertainment. How can you go wrong.

Okay, everyone have a Happy New Year and I'll be back next year with more of the same.
Seeya!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Hey all, just want to wish all the faithful readers a very Merry Christmas and, if I don't post again soon, A Merry New Year as well.
Here's a little something to keep your yuletide warm;