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Monday, January 30, 2012


I had the privilege of meeting director Chris LaMartina last year at Cinema Wasteland. I bought this twofer from him and his feature AmeriKill from Warlock Video. AmeriKill was good, especially from a 14 year old kid who shot on VHS and made like three cuts to create what AmeriKill was.
Book Of Lore proves what a talent he really is.
I watched everything on the disc before watching the feature. Well, except for the making of, didn't want to ruin the flick. The film Grave Mistakes, the bonus movie, is an awesome throwback to anthology movies of yore. With vampires, ghosts and other things that go bump in the night with an ingenious wraparound of a grave robber and an antique dealer bartering for the grave robber's ill gotten goods, Grave Mistakes belongs with such classic anthology films as Creepshow and any of the Amicus anthologies.
But, Book Of Lore takes the cake. It literally takes the cake, eats the cake and then grins at you with frosting in its teeth and makes fun of you.
Book of Lore is what all micro budget films must aspire to.
The plot deals with the small town of Latonsville and twenty years ago where for eleven nights, eleven babies were taken from their cribs. It was blamed on a madman called The Devil's Left Hand and as mysteriously as it began, it stopped.
Now, Ricks Adams' (AJ Hyde) girlfriend, Rachel Matthews (Lindsay Hanson) has been brutally murdered.  His Buddy Jason (Dan Vidor) has a book called The Book Of Lore. The Book of Lore, scrawled in a dirty, old composition book tells of all the myths and legends that have occurred in Latonsville through the decades. It is in the book that Rick sees the death of his girlfriend predicted and more are on the way.
With the help of his friends he must solve the riddle of The Book of Lore, but what he finds along the way rips the lid off the legends of Latonsville and reveals the work of a madman.
Book of Lore is such a layered creepfest that it sucks you in and doesn't let go. You feel as if you have known these people their entire lives and must know what happens. Director LaMartina creates such suspense through the entire film that you find yourself on the edge of your seat. It reminded me of a Stephen King story in it's complexity and is one of the most original films I have seen in a while and is more deserving of an actual theatrical release than many films that get one.
The DVD double feature is worth every penny. You get two, well crafted films that hearken back to the day when it was about story not effects, although those are pretty gruesome, too.

Saturday, January 28, 2012


I had the privilege of meeting Felissa Rose a while back and she was great. Very warm and friendly. I mentioned that I was a film reviewer and she autographed and handed me a copy of this film. I had some much needed down time today so I decided to give it my full attention.
Kind of wish I had watched it sooner.
The basic plot is there are these two brothers Caesar (Dave Campfield) and Otto (Paul Chomicki) and Caesar is the one that loves to act and does all the work while Otto watches a lot of television. One day, a pregnant girl gets in Caesar's cab and, to make  along story short, Caesar and Otto have to go on the run necause Caesar pummeled the retarded brother of the chief of police. Believe me, when you watch it it will make perfect sense.
They go to find jobs in an out of the way place and the job counselor (Joe Estevez) gets them jobs as camp counselors.
Seems like a way to make a couple of bucks, get some fresh air and lay low for a while. Then Carrie (Felissa Rose) shows up and the killings start. And to compound matters, their father, Fred (Scott Aguilar) shows up with crime on his mind. Oh, and did I mention that there is a mental institution next to the camp? Yeah, it's a hoot.
Now the boys just have to make it out alive and still keep away from the chief of police who wants to hurt Caesar in the worst way.
I have to tell you, this is one of the funniest things I've seen this year so far. Dave Campfield's vocal delivery as Caesar just makes things funnier. There is a nice balance of gore and funny and it doesn't bog down in the middle like a lot of horror comedies are wont to do.
Dave Campfield is a very funny guy and I look forward to all of his flicks.
The DVD is loaded with extras including a short film where they have to pit their wits with Dracula's lawyer. My favorite thing on this DVD would have to be a little something called 25 minutes with Joe Estevez. He just talks and answers questions and is cool and sweet and really a great guy. I think I might be going on a JOe Estevez bender in the near future so be ready for that dear readers.
So, in the end, CAESAR AND OTTO'S SUMMER CAMP MASSACRE is one of the funniest things I have seen in a while. Felissa Rose is great as always and her husband from the band CKY is also in it and very funny. This was a blast.
Thanks Felissa!


Marty Jenkins (Shawn A. Green) has it all; a beautiful girlfriend, Sandy (Lisa Clarke), a great job at a video store and he lives in Dayton, Ohio.
One problem.
His girlfriend is dumping him, the other guy at the video store hates Marty's guts and Dayton, Ohio is about to get inundated with vampire bitches. No, really! Look at the title of the movie for crying out loud!
When Ginger (Plexi Starr) takes his best friend, Tyler McDonald (Henrique Couto) away from him and the others turn Sandy, Marty has no recourse. Especially since he runs over the vampire killer, Deacon Sloane (Nic Pesante), who was on his way to take care of the bloodsucker problem.
Now, armed with a black bag of weapons and some words of wisdom from vampire killer, Hummer (Bob Hinton), MArty must face off against these vampire bitches to avenge his friend, save the girl and try not to get any blood on his treasured sweater vest.
On the surface, MARTY JENKINS AND THE VAMPIRE BITCHES, is a horror comedy. Pure and simple. Director Henrique Couto brings his wacky form of humor to the film and it works.
But this movie is so much more than that. We are with Marty from his painful birth, through his break up with Sandy and the loss of his buddy, Tyler. To Marty, this is his own, tiny world. This is emphasized by the size of the video store he works in. It may be a vast warehouse of movies, but Couto makes it appear diminutive in size, creating an insular existence for Marty. The vampire bitches could have been any form of destructive change and it would have worked as the catalyst to force Marty to go through a change.
Tyler sees the vampire bitches as a way out of his miserable existence even though he's not ready for the vampiric change that occurs he seems to revel in his new found powers.
I want to mention Plexi Starr again in her role as Ginger. While she is probably not everyone's cup of tea I found her infinitely more attractive than the two blonde bimbos she was saddled with as her cohorts. Added to the fact that she was the only one willing to give us our boobie fix in the flick, I would have to say that she was my favorite part of the movie. That and the crazy, mumbling antics of Bob Hinton. He comes across as if Ernest P. Worrell had a drug addled brother. Excellent!

Now, for a Spoiler Alert. I'll place the trailer for the film here for you to watch and then the spoiler.

SPOILER ALERT! (You have been warned!Stew, this means you. Don't read any farther until after you watch it.)
At the end of the film Marty realizes that Sandy is a bitch and has no chance for redemption. He decides to save Ellen (River Watson) instead. In any traditional film this would have been Marty's in for some sweet loving. In Couto's universe, Ellen is grateful, but she's gonna bang the other guy at the video store instead. It ends the film on such a poignant, tragic note. Marty has saved Dayton and there is nothing for him at the end. No tangible reward.
This is how micro budget cinema needs to be and I'm glad to recommend this to anyone. Go find your copy today.
You'll be glad you did.

Friday, January 27, 2012

IRON SKY (2012)

Just saw the trailer for this one and, what can I say?
It blew me away. This is going to be the exploitation movie of the year.

Check out the trailer;

Sunday, January 15, 2012


The film opens with a quote by Mark Twain;
"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."
This rolls us into what can be best referred to as a greatest hits by Massachusetts film maker, Michael Legge.
Chris Qualm is a mild mannered writer of instruction manuals. He never has to leave his house. He has the paper delivered, the groceries delivered. Life is good for Chris Qualm. At least it seems that way to Chris. His sister has another word for it.
And she wants him to seek out help. There is a psychiatrist with a radical new therapy called Sponge Therapy that literally soaks the psychosis from your mind and makes you better.
It doesn't do much for Dr. Ow, but it does give Chris a new lease on life. To prove it he decides to go out and buy his own coffee.
Worst mistake of his life.
In the span of a day he encounters aliens, androids, Nazis, secret agents and the evil Spiderwoman. He is caught up in intrigue the likes the world has never seen. All becuase he decided to make a...Coffee Run.
Now anyone who has read this blog long enough knows what a fan I am of Michael Legge. One of the true satirical geniuses of our time. And this time he has brought back charcaters from many of his films; Honey Glaze, Dash Hope and Spiderwoman with her sidekick The Creeper just to name a few.
This is a fun little film that tries to jam as much insanity into one movie to prove to us that everyone out there is crazy and sometimes it is a good thing to just stay at home and keep the insanity of the world at bay.
Legge is a comic treasure that continues to give us something to make us laugh and think, usually at the same time.
Coffee Run can be found at this LINK 

Saturday, January 14, 2012


Want a plot synopsis? Fine! Felicia Day's character is part of a family that hunts werewolves and have something to do with Red Riding Hood. Oh and there's this new werewolf that doesn't need a full moon to raise some lycanthropic Hell.
I was so excited to see this. You get werewolves, Felicia Day is really cute. I went into this with a win-win kind of attitude. I wasn't even worried that it was a SyFy movie. I've seen some of those that are fun.
Yeah, not this one.
All I can figure is she needed the cash to finance another season of The Guild so, she's forgiven for that. But, the werewolves are the worst kind of crappy CGI. The acting is just bad. Ms. Day looks fine, but that's it. Oh and Stephen McHattie, who is good in lots of things sucked in this.
Basically, this is a huge pile of suck with a crappy ending. I think I'll stick with Reverend Jen Miller from now on for Geek Cute. She doesn't make crappy movies.

Thursday, January 12, 2012


The flick opens with some raucous rock and a couple of fellas making a meeting to swap some drugs for cash. Then someone comes along and blows them both away and makes off with the goods. Head guy Felix Hampouyin (Tony Porta)is none too happy with this state of affairs and orders the man he believes to be the rat crushed in a garbage truck.
One problem.
He squashed the wrong rat.
Felix ups the ante with a fake delivery of goods to flush out the stink in his organization and sends hitman professional Keith (Elliott Lindsey) to find out what is what and kill anyone he questions.

It seems that pretty boy Johnny Canto (Jon Klemmer) has decided that 50 grand a year ain't enough. His girlfriend agrees and tells him to hijack the cash on the next shipment.
Of course this is the swinging seventies, baby so, the girl is crooked and reports back to Paul (Director Robert E. Pearson) where the goods will be.
But Felix is not a stupid man. He and his buyer in Hawaii have a system. The bagman delivers the goods. The buyer gives the bagman a suitcase full of cash and an explosive device that will blow the money and anyone who forces the case open sky high. The buyer mails the proper key to Felix and all is safe.
For anyone who knows that the case is rigged which is only Felix, the buyer and Johnny, there is no problem.

But so many people are after this case.
GODCHILDREN a.k.a. THE HAWAIIAN SPLIT was an attempt to capitalize on the popularity of The Godfather. You can see by the poster above what they were trying to do with the advertising campaign.
I personally thought that the alternate title was a better one, but I'll bet the original title got more butts in the seats for the time it was released.
While the print I saw was gritty, scratchy and beat to Hell it still had a weird, almost documentary feel to it. The people who die in the flick die dirty and bloody and there are a lot of them.

Now, for the Ushci Digard fans out there who will watch this for only one reason. She's not in it a lot. There's a scene where Johnny hooks up with this oddball character by the name of Bobby Lee O'Toole (John F. Goff) who has two lovely ladies in tow, Lady Chatterley (Kathy Hilton) and Lady Godiva (Rene Bond). They all go back to Bobby's place for much naked frolicking and have so much fun that they have to contact Swedish Massage expert Lotta Cuze (Uschi Digard) to fix Rene Bond. Naturally there is much naked and rubbing of skin, but you're looking at about five minutes of film tops.
In the end what you get in freewheeling, convoluted exploitation film making of the highest caliber. Also, major props must go to Elliott Lindsey for his portrayal of hillbilly hitman Keith. He manages to come across as likable and lethal at the same time.

God Bless you Something Weird Video for making sure this exists for us weirdoes of today.


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