Tuesday, December 30, 2008

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984)


I'm sure that regular readers of this blog are completely aware of this film and how it originally received a lot of controversy over the concept of Santa whacking people. Of course we all know that it was looney tunes Billy, not Santa who was responsible for this, but I remember fondly walking through picket lines at West Main Cinema to watch this flick. That was part of what made it good.
Now, I decided to revisit the flick. Sure, I caught it on videotape, but never saw a reason to revisit it.
Man, was I wrong!
This is one of the funniest flicks I have seen in forever. Let me run down a few highlights.
Just before Billy goes into the house to kill Linnea Quigley and her boy toy there are a group of carolers. One of them is obviously unaware of the words and overacts herself to death. This is obviously cracking up one of the other carolers.
And Linnea Quigley answering the door in a pair of Daisy Dukes and no top?!? Does she do this regularly? If so do the neighborhood boys knock on the door everytime she's babysitting.
The jaw dropping scene of Billy giving the little girl his bloody boxcutter because she has been good.
The one thing I do give credit for is the bleak Utah backdrop where the majority of this flick is set. It adds to the bizarre nature of the story.
Oh and when the cop shoots the deaf priest dressed like Santa Claus. Priceless!
I had a lot of fun with Martha watching this and we might have to make this a yearly kind of thing. A great flick that I must recommend to everyone.
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!
And don;t be naughty or Santa will punish you and punishment is good!

Monday, December 29, 2008

5000 HITS!!!

Yes, the little counter of doom over there has informed me that we have passed the 5K mark. This is a big deal for this little blog so I thought I would take a moment to say thanks to everyone who visits here on a regular basis. Thanks to all of you.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!

Here at the offices of Divine Exploitation we would all like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. To celebrate in true Exploitation fashion please enjoy the clip at the end of this blog.
Last night I got an early present. We were watching Prison Break, another fine episode I might add. And then Martha turned it to RAW. I have always been a wrestling fan. One of my favorite wrestlers is Trish Stratus. Besides being very pretty the girl can fight! Anyway, she retired two years ago and then last night she came back! I was very excited about this. Even if it was just for the one show, it was cool. She looks a little skinnier than usual and her hair isn't quite as blonde, but it looks really good on her.



Thanks for my early Christmas present, Mr. McMahon. Can you see what you can do about Stone Cold coming back, now? That would be great.
Anyway, have a great one and here's the clip:

Monday, December 22, 2008

DOUBLE FEATURE AT THE WALTZ COMPOUND: The Horror Continues!



This close to the holiday season what could possible play well at The Compound?
That's right, we watched the original Slumber Party Massacre and The Tripper. It started out with all the kids except Delia who was having an emo fit. Martha wandered down as the shit started to hit the fan onscreen and we had a great time making fun of all the drill inspired mayhem. Dennis was fond of the huge boob count at the beginning of the flick to be replaced by the gore quotient towards the end.
I always have fun watching this flick.
The second one was a new one in The Compound. The Tripper is by David Arquette and deals with a killer with an axe, and a suit and a tie and a Ronald Reagan mask! This is without a doubt one weird flick. Sure, it's full of famous people like Paul Rubens and Thomas Jane who acts like he's channeling his character from Boogie Nights, but it's so much more. Full of naked and wild gore setpieces this is one fun flick. Did I mention Jason Mewes is in it? He's very, no Jay, funny in this thing.
I only kept Dandelion and Dan for this flick. The rest wandered off.
Good stuff.

Friday, December 19, 2008

BIG NOTHING (2006)


I watched it because Simon Pegg was in it. Weird seeing him with an American accent, but he pulled it off admirably.
Now for the flick;
In the end I found it depressing and meaningless. Sure, it does a good job of wrapping up a huge amount of loose ends, but the basic plot of a blackmail scheme gone horribly wrong felt like it had been done before. Plus the fact that I really don't like David Schwimmer and his style of acting. Some people must because of how popular Friends was, but he just ain't my particular cup of tea.
Simon Pegg looked a little chunky and even had a bit of menace in his part. Alice Eve was the reason to watch the flick. I might have tuned in for Simon Pegg, but I stayed for the incredibly gorgeous Alice Eve.
This is one of those quirky, throw everything at the wall and see what sticks, form of comedy that takes a tragic turn at the end.
I was glad I watched it for Pegg's performance and to discover the lovely Alice Eve, but as for the rest of it?
Meh.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

THE 999 CHALLENGE!

No, it's not some creepy Satanic upside down thingie. It comes from something my buddy Holger is doing at his site. Go HERE for the skinny.
I thought about this and like the idea, but will be tweaking it for my own reasons.
Here is my list;

1. 9 Jess Franco Films I haven't seen
2. 9 films with people from Franco films that he didn't direct.
3. 9 zombie films I haven't seen
4. 9 minicomics.
5. 9 movies in the 50 pack I bought last year and and still haven't gotten around to watching.
6. 9 novelizations of movies. (The movie had to come first.)
7. 9 non fiction books dealing exclusively with film in some fashion.
8. 9 viewings of the film A Virgin Among The Living Dead with a write up of each time and what I may have missed each time.
9. 9 exploitation films made before 1950

There, that should keep me busy for quite some time. Thanks go out to Holger for suggesting this idea. Now let's see if I can keep it on track.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

DOUBLE FEATURE AT THE WALTZ COMPOUND REDUX!



Another long, wintry weekend and that means movies to watch. This time around it was the low budget flicks ZOMBIE STRIPPERS and POULTRYGEIST. My buddy Stew made me a copy of Poultrygeist. Yeah, the disc was empty. Way to go Stew! Anyway, I downloaded it myself and what can I say? It's typical Troma. Funny, irreverent, politically incorrect and full of naked girls. I would cover the basic premise here, but why bother? This flick has been floating around one way or another for quite some time. Does this mean I'm going to rush out and buy the 3 disc collector set? You bet! This was something akin to the first time I saw The Toxic Avenger. And the lead actress Kate Graham is gorgeous to look at and has a lovely singing voice. This one is over the top in gore, sex and feces and doesn't pull a single punch. My only complaint is that some of the effects were a little shoddy, but what can you do? I'm sure Lloyd Kaufman poured every cent he had into the flick.
This one so deserves a theatrical release and it won't get it. I recommend that everyone get one this Christmas Season and give an extra one to a loved one as well.
Now, with Zombie Strippers we get a different kind of animal.
This is hilarious and looks to be a cult film in the making. You know those movies that try to be a cult film and fail? This one hit it on the head. When a zombie gets into a secret strip bar and infects the lead girl at the bar, chaos runs amok. For some reason the crowd wants to see zombie girls stripping more than regular ones. And because the virus that created the zombies is an estrogen based thing, the women keep their intelligence after they are dead. The gore is plentiful, the naked is all there as well. Just one complaint. The lead, good girl, Jennifer Holland really needed to get naked for us. I felt that we deserved it and it never happened. I know, how can I complain about this with so much other nudity running rampant in the flick? I guess I'm just selfish is all.
Robrt Englund is a madman and insane and all that is good in a flick of this variety and I just can't find anything to complain about with this flick. I'd recommend a sequel, but have no idea how they would pull it off. (And no, you pervs, that's not a pun.)
I gotta go.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Friday, December 12, 2008

GOODBYE BETTIE


In my recent post concerning the passing away of Forry Ackerman I mentioned that Bettie Page was sick. She's not sick anymore. She is at rest.
Goodbye Ms. Page. I want to thank you for jumpstarting my puberty with a vengeance. No one was as sensually gorgeous as Bettie Page.
And now she lives on in our memories.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

GOODBYE FORRY


Just one of those things you hate to do. Forrest J. Ackerman fed my horror film frenzy as a child and even when I got older. Now he's gone and if that wasn't bad enough, Bettie Page is in a coma after a heart attack.
Oh and it won't stop snowing.
Goodbye Forry. I will miss you.

Friday, December 5, 2008

END OF THE YEAR

I have decided to implement a new thing here at Divine Exploitation. We are going to call them The Divine Exploitation Awards. What that means is that I pore over all that has been done this year in the realm of the weird and exploitative and they will get an award. It is an actual award and people who win them can have theirs, but they will have to contact me to get it. Okay, I might contact them, but what the heck, right?
Anyway, here are the categories AND THE WINNERS!!!!;

BEST WEBCOMIC OF 2008 - Girls With Slingshots by Danielle Corsetto

BEST MINICOMIC OF 2008 - Fu-Manchu VS. L'il Jason by Stew Miller
BEST MICRO BUDGET FILM OF 2008 - Necroville By Billy Gaberina and Richard Griffin

BEST PUBLICATION OF 2008 - Video Watchdog by Tim and Donna Lucas

BEST BOOK OF 2008 - Tough To Kill Volume 1 by David Zuzelo and Paul Cooke

BEST ACTOR OF 2008 - Adam Jarmon Brown for Alex in Necroville
BEST ACTRESS OF 2008 - Lorna Nogueira for Moaner in The Dungeon of Dr. Dreck

BEST DIRECTOR OF 2008 - Michael Legge for The Dungeon Of Dr. Dreck
BEST PODCAST OF 2008 - The Ken P.D. Syndecast by Ken Plume and Dana Snyder

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT IN MICRO BUDGET FILMMAKING - Chris Seaver of Low Budget Pictures.


There's the list, people. Now I have to get the awards to all of those who earned it.
If you don't know who these people are you owe it to yourself to get out there and hunt this stuff down. It will make you extremely happy.
I'm Out!

FRIDAY THE 13TH (2009)



I can remember seeing the original in the theater forever ago. I go see all of them in the theater. My youngest daughter thinks that Jason Voorhees is one cool dude. I have a Friday The 13th doll for crying out loud!
That being said; I hate remakes. Despise the things.
Kind of made me glad that Michael Bay said that this more like Friday The 13th 3.5. You know before he gets dead and after he gets the hockey mask. There is a lot of time that takes place between some of the sequels and this is a rich area to mine for additional chapters in the legend of Jason Voorhees. I am so glad they didn't just try to redo the first one because that would have sucked and I wouldn't have gone to see it.
It will be out soon so, in the meantime, I give you the trailer (There's a newer trailer at Yahoo!, but I don't know how to imbed that one, sorry.) And there's a poster as well.

ENJOY! You officially have my permission to go and watch this flick and have a good time without feeling guilty.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

HELL RIDE (2008)


I don't know if it's the curiosity level brought on by Tarantino and Rodriquez' GRINDHOUSE or what but there are a lot of movies that are so influenced by movies from the seventies that it makes me grin.
That was my sole purpose for hunting down a copy of Larry Bishop's HELL RIDE. You can tell that director/writer/star Bishop has done a lot of motorcycle movies. It's hard to believe that he's the son of funny man Joey Bishop, but his role as Pistolero is nothing short of amazing.
The premise is simple. There are two motorcycle gangs. One bad and one we like. The one we like has Bishop as Pistolero, Michael Madsen as The Gent and Eric Balfour as Commanche. I'm not familiar with the last guy. According to IMDB he's been on a lot of television that I haven't seen. In this he does a great job. They all do.
The plot is simple, but the storyline has so many twists and turns and back flashes and forward flashes that I can see why a lot of people do not like this flick. I think this is a culmination of Larry Bishop's work in film and he got to do it the way he wanted to.
Plus, I noticed that the little devil managed to put himself into as many scenes with hot naked girls as possible. For a guy who is sixty he looks fifty tops.
The action is good, the acting is better and Dennis Hopper is hilarious in his small role. The only real waste seemed to be Vinnie Jones who growled his way through his part. Didn't work for me.
In this movie there wasn't a lot that didn't work for me. I don't like the whole, we need to get this case/safety deposit box thingie. Very important that we do this. But then we don't get to see what's in it. And I don't want to hear about some 'What's in it isn't important, it's what it represents'. BULLSHIT! And they say that they are inspired by the flick KISS ME DEADLY (1955). Guess what? Saw the flick and we knew what was in that box! Just show me otherwise I think you aren't smart enough to put something clever in there to begin with.
The other thing was the hideous dye job on Larry Bishop's goatee and mustache. I know he was trying to look younger and I'll give the man that, but get a better hair person to make it look believable.
Overall this is a film that reminded me of my younger years and it threw it in your face and political correctness be damned straight to Hell.
Yeah, I like this kind of flick. Here's hoping you do too.
Here's a special treat for those of you that embrace the exploitation flick.
It's called BLACK DYNAMITE and it's new. Enjoy!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

HELPING LBP TO REACH THE NEXT LEVEL


For those of you not in the know, LBP stands for Low Budget Pictures. Chris Seaver is the head of LBP and responsible for the insane filmic buffoonery that I have enjoyed for years. It all started with my addiction to Mulva Zombie Ass Kicker and has spiraled out of control ever sense. With a keen wit and a penchant for offensiveness, I would have to mark Low Budget Pictures as my favorite micro budget studio.
Now, Chris Seaver wants to up the ante and I'm here to proclaim it to the world. He's got a plan for a movie with a bigger budget. Approximately 75 grand. Hell, that wouldn't cover the catering on any of the recent Hollywood releases. And you know that he will make it fantastic.
In addition to that he and the LBPers are looking to go to Sundance this year and pimp the film to potential investors there.
So, it's time to put up or shut up. If you need to contact Chris about this you can do so either here;
lowbudgetpictures@gmail.com
or here
1-585-301-6911
That's right. He's so crazy serious about this that he's giving out his phone number. Don't have the cash? Have an event where the proceeds go to LBP for making the flick and sending their narrow asses to Sundance.
He has a paypal account over at
swanky_c@yahoo.com
IF you want his address contact him and he will accept buckets of money as well. It doesn't matter and with the genius of one of the funniest film makers out there today, we can make this happen at a fan based level and Mr. Seaver can go on to bigger, better things. Hell, we might even get that long awaited John Stamos cameo. The idea of that makes me a little dizzy.
I'll be posting this regularly. Want me to stop? Send Chris Seaver enough cash and I will.
Now, I gotta go brainstorm an idea to raise some cash.
Seeya!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

ANOTHER FORRY STORY

After writing yesterdays post I realized how much influence this one man had over my formative years. I remmeber the lists of movies that were going to be released. Forry had the inside track on hundreds of coming attractions, some that never got made, but sounded fascinating. And he would have those name that picture contest. This was before the internet or VHS or DVD's. We didn't have these comprehensive libraries of film in our homes or the net. We had to hope that it was on the late show or that we had already seen it.
I was probably the most sleep deprived kid on the block on the weekends. Especially Saturday. WUHQ, the local ABC affiliate had Shock Theater and then, because we lived so close to the Michigan/Indiana border, I was able to pick up Channel 28 which had Double Creature Feature that started immediately after Shock Theater. I remember one night I watched Invasion Of The Saucer Men three times in a night because I got lucky and found a Channel 43 that had something called Insomnia Theater. It was like winning the jackpot.
I also remmeber watching this murder mystery/haunted house flick where at the end of the flick there's this room and this misshappen man comes through the window and tells us that he's the killer and that if we tell anyone who he is that he would come into our room in the night and strangle us in our sleep. Needless to say I ran off to my Mom and immediately told her what I had seen. She smiled and blew it off and I felt quite brave; until that night when I spent the whole time staring at the single window in my room, waiting for this misshapen man to come in and throttle the life out of me.
Great stuff and it is all due to Forrest J. Ackerman.
Thankfully, both of my parents are movie buffs and encouraged this sort of behavior.
Now, I would like to run a little contest;
It consists of two parts and the rules must be followed to the letter. Any suspicion of cheating and you are disqualified .
Here we go.
It consists of two parts. The first part is to find out the name of the film I mentioned previously. You know th eone where the guy was gonna climb through my window and choke me to death. For this part you may use all your resources. Internet, steel trap for a brain, whatever.
The second part is a little trickier. There are five pictures below. They are all from horror movies from the past. You have to correctly identify the film they were taken from and you are not allowed to use the internet in this endeavor. Any suspicion of cheating and you are done.
What's the prize? You'll have to wait and see. First one to complete all these tasks is the winner.
Oh, and Forry? Yeah, I still love you.











Remember to have fun. Maybe pick up some newsprint and smell it while trying to figure these things out. It might bring back some Famous Monsters Of Filmland memories.

Stay Twisted!

Monday, November 3, 2008

FORREST J. ACKERMAN



It seems that, from a reliable news source, that our beloved founder of Famous Monsters Of Filmland is not much longer for this mortal coil. This crushes me in more ways than I can state. But, instead of wallowing on this I have decided to post a little ditty concerning my most memorable Famous Monsters Of Filmland memory;

When I was a young lad of twelve or so my mother was into ceramics. It may have been younger, but I think that this is a pretty good guess. Downtown Vicksburg had a few shops, but this one huge building housed the local ceramics shop. I would go with her and help clean flash off of ceramics, glaze a few tings and maybe paint something if the mood struck me. It was fun, but not an all consuming kind of thing to a kid.
Anyway, it was a cool, summer night and very few street lights were on. At the time Vicksburg was not all that populated and there wasn't much business in town with the exception of a few factories on the outskirts.
So, I had tired quickly of the ceramics scene so I went outside to sit on the huge front steps and pull a magazine out of my back pocket. It was an issue of Famous Monsters. In particular the article that grabbed my attention was one about the Boris Karloff film, The Ghoul. Now, remember that this was around 1970 or so so there wasn't a lot of the blood filled gore flicks that we have today. Add to that the black and white pictures had more of an impact on my young mind. I think they seemed more real to me somehow. And the monstrous make up that Boris had coupled with a pretty terrifying storyline that the magazine went into great detail and I was pretty wound up. I ended up going back into the ceramics place and see how much longer my mom was going to be. The light filled building helped to chase the heebie jeebies away, but when I looked out the huge windows of the front of the store I could see that the night was still out there, waiting for me. And, who knows, maybe The Ghoul was waiting as well.

Ever since then I always think on that night and it brings me a nostalgic sense of peace and makes me realize why I love a good horror movie. I know that you have to go, Forry, but I'm a selfish person and would rather you didn't. The world will seem so much emptier without the one great Forry Ackerman to remind us of why we love fantastic cinema.

I love you Forry.

Friday, October 31, 2008

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!


Have a safe and Happy Halloween from your friends here at Divine Exploitation.

Monday, October 27, 2008

FOUR FROM SEVERIN FILMS!





These are four releases that a lot of us have been waiting a while for. And now they are here and let me tell you, it was worth the wait.
First up we have a Jess Franco two-fer, and what a two-fer it is! BLOODY MOON is Jess Franco’s take on the slasher flick and while it has been out there in one form or another over the years, it has never looked this good!
There’s a killer on the loose in Europe’s International Youth Club Boarding School of Languages and the blood is gonna fly as only Franco can do it. Of course there is that, but Jess manages to fuse a little incest, some voyeurism and roller disco into this depraved and weird storyline.
This is the best that this flick has ever looked and coupled with a great featurette with the master director himself and you have what is a perfect release.
After showing all the slasher wannabees how it’s done, Jess set his sites on the huge flow of 80’s cannibal flicks with DEVIL HUNTER. Sure, you’ve seen cannibal movies before, but when’s the last time you saw a huge, mountain of a man with bizarre ping pong ball eyes running around in his birthday suit gnawing on some nubile flesh? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Anytime Jess makes his way into the jungle, the ride is always weird, wild and woolly. DEVIL HUNTER is no exception. And, as is the norm for Severin Films, we get another informative featurette with Mister Franco.
Next up is a sick giallo IN THE FOLDS OF THE FLESH. For those of you familiar with the giallo genre, this is a crazy ride into depravity. This baby is packed with decapitations, pet vultures, cyanide baths, swirly psychedelics and, to make sure that you’re paying attention, Nazi death camp flashbacks. While this sick little film is lacking in extras except for a trailer, but the movie is bizarre enough to stand alone without any of the yummy extras that we come to expect from Severin.
This time I did save the best for last. And the best is STONE. Heard of it? No matter, you will. Our brothers from down under have given us this classic biker flick where a gang called Grave Diggers is infiltrated by an undercover cop. What follows is an adrenaline fueled, one way, full throttle trip to Hell. This is the biker flick that will put all other biker flicks to shame. And if that wasn’t enough this baby comes with an extra disc with the classic documentary STONE Forever that chronicles the making of this seminal film. The documentary is almost better than the film that it’s based on. This set offers hours of biker filled fun that you are going to want to be sure to catch.
Severin Films shows with these releases why they are the definitive DVD company in the world for the true fan of good cinema.
May they last forever.
(NOTE: Since I'm an idiot I completely forgot a link to Severin's site so you can lay down some long green for these four masterpieces. Go HERE. You'll be glad you did.)

Thursday, October 23, 2008

EUROTRASH CINEMA NEEDS YOUR HELP!!


Any true fan of Eurotrash Cinema knows the name Craig Ledbetter. He's the guy who has that dupe off of some Italian television channel when you need to see FANTABULOUS, INC. or that Spanish dub with no subtitles of THE SHADOW OF JUDO VS. DOCTOR WONG that you order even though you don't speak Spanish, but need to watch it because you're a Franco nut.
Anyway, the recent hurricane activity has struck a mortal blow to all things Eurotrash. See Craig runs Eurotrash Cinema and the recent hurricane destroyed his beloved vault of VHS tapes. His family is fine and Craig suffered a broken arm and they were without power for two weeks.
The disaster relief in this country is horrid and really needs a rethinking.
But until then we all need to do our part for the king of all that is true Eurotrash.
Go to his site Don't buy anything, well you can if you want he has some great stuff, but it's not necessary.
At the bottom of his page is his email address. Use your powers of PayPal and donate to help Craig and his family in this terrible time.
Have a truly exploitative day and remember to give til it hurts, or at least stings a little.
Go HERE!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

THE WEIRD WORLD OF FLAN!

I have been doing this comic and wanted to show off the spiffy new link in the sidebar to my comic. I will be posting five days a week, or more if I feel so inclined.
STAY TWISTED!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

REMAKES, BAH!


Apparently there are some classic films heading our way to remake land. Here's the news tidbit with the horrible news;

The remake properties are the Jacques Tourneur-directed “I Walked With a Zombie” (1943); the Robert Wise-directed Bela Lugosi-Boris Karloff starrer “The Body Snatcher” (1945); the Mark Robson-directed Karloff starrer “Bedlam” (1946); and the John Farrow-directed Lucille Ball-John Carradine starrer “Five Came Back” (1939).

No way! They will never be able to capture the looking or mood of any of these films. There is no one in Karloff or Lugosi's league to make these work. And that last one? I remember the ending where the guy lies that there are two bullets left and he offs the girl and then the natives come and drag him off into the jungle to do God knows what to him. I saw that when I was a kid and it scared the bejezus out of me. This is a terrible idea and the best way to nip it in the bud is to vote with your cash. Don't go see any of these things when they come out and they will be coming out, you can bet stupid, Hollywood money on it.
Tell you what, Hollywood, give me one million dollars and I'll make something that will put the butts in the seats. You won't have seen this much cash since that horrid Blair Witch Project. Only this one will be good.
That's the challenge, Hollywood. I can be contacted at this website.
The rest of you have an excellent day.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

CRAWLSPACE EVICTION


So, Friday night is usually Beer Friday at The Waltz Compound, but people had stuff to do. I invited a few people to go with Martha and I to see Crawlspace Eviction, an improv troupe here in the wilds of Kalamazoo. Led by the amazing couple Dann and Tara Sytsma, Crawlspace Eviction is two hours of various forms of comedy. This time with a political event in a show called My Country Tis of Wii. Unfortunately, no one nibbled on the invite except for my oldest, Seann. So, the three of us made our way there and it was, as always, a fun time where I laughed very loud often. It's hard to single out the one thing that was funnier than the rest. Martha would say it was the routine they do when they interview a member of the audience, in this case a young nanny named Molly, and then recreate her day as a nightmare. Molly had to be the worst nanny ever and it was killing Martha. When funny man Adam Carter pretended to be a big joint while she was watching Star Trek Voyager, the whole house roared with laughter. My favorite piece would have been the beginning of the second half of the show which is their long form. It was Dann and Tara pretending to sell toys at some sort of expo. It was more sweet than funny and I really liked that.
All in all it was a great night and I wanted to stay for the play afterward, but we had children to pick up at football games so, I had to miss out. Bummer.
If you live in the surrounding area you need to check out one of these shows. Go to their site here for more information. You will not be sorry you went.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

ISSUE #13 OF SIRENS OF CINEMA ALMOST HERE!!!


Hey everybody! One of the better magazines on the rack today and here's what to expect straight from the horse's mouth, Mike Watt:

We’re profiling the action movie BITCH SLAP, the indie horror movies DEMON DIVAS and SICK GIRL, Bai Ling, stunt women Alina Andrei, Zoe Bell (mentioned in conjunction with Sick Girl) and Jasi Cotton Lanier, and features a tribute to the late DAVE STEVENS (who provided the cover). There is also a three-page retrospective featuring new art by Robin Evans, Liza Biggers, JimmyO Burril and Holly Golightly.

Buy three they make a great Christmas gift.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

DOUBLE FEATURE AT THE WALTZ COMPOUND

Netflix gave us what may be the perfect double header of cheese this weekend. I am, of course speaking of the two new releases, JACK BROOKS, MONSTER SLAYER and OVER SEXED RUGSUCKERS FROM MARS. Yeah, you read that last one right. Let's hit them individually, shall we.



JACK BROOKS is a good old fashioned monster movie. No CGI, all practical effects which are amazing. And, as long as you embrace this as the first in a series, this makes for a fine origin story.
You see, Jack's entire family was slaughtered right in front of his eyes by this monster in the woods. Jack managed to escape, but no one else did. Now, in his twenties, Jack is a plumber by day and a man forced into night school by his annoying girlfriend at...well, night.
jack's taking a science class being taught by the one and only Robert Englund sans Freddy makeup. Seems that Robert has bought the old place out on Watson Rd. and there's a demon heart buried in the back yard so, it won't take long before Jack is facing off on against an ancient Chinese Demon with plans for world domination.
Did I mention that Jack has anger management issues? well, he does and now he has found the perfect place to channel them. Killing monsters.
This is a very good film with an excellent concept. No CGI makes it refreshing in a sea of shitty CGI monsters. Plus, it actually uses the old standby of story and plot that eventually lead to the huge conflict at the end. It's not all BANG! BANG! KILL! KILL! like a lot of films today.
They could make a ton of these and if they keep this standard up, I would watch every one of them. Jack Brooks is the new Ash in the land of monster slayers.
Then we have the other movie.



With a title like that how could they go wrong? The answer is, they couldn't. when Martians come to Earth and find that the human experiment has failed, they decide to give life to a nearby vacuum cleaner. Unfortunately, their entire decision is made from a homeless bum who accidentally drinks alien piss which transforms him into this horny old bugger that has wild sex with the vacuum cleaner.
Sounds like a crazy plot doesn't it? Well, it's the tip of the iceberg in this convoluted tale of aliens, vacuums and gay sex. Oh, I didn't mention that the vacuum was a boy? This is still just a small part of this epic tale shot on a super 8mm budget.
Watch it once and then get ready to watch it again as you hear what may be one of the most fascinating commentaries on the trials and tribulations of no budget film making ever.
While Dandelion is the only one who watched RUGSUCKERS with me, the entire Waltz Clan watched Jack Brooks and we laughed and screamed and jumped and had a blast.
The double feature at The Waltz Compound was a rousing success and we will have many more scary movies to finish out the month with.
On a sidenote, the RUGSUCKERS flick had a preview for DOLEMITE and now Dandelion wants to watch that. I can hardly wait.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

ROOMMATING

I don't watch a lot of web television, but the other day I was watching this thing by James Gunn called PG PORN. Later, when I wanted to watch it again I went to Spike TV. That was when I found this show. ROOMMATING. This little five minute plkus shows are amazingly funny! Joel and Erin have this great rapport and it's much dirtier than anything that you can find on network television. And, no you perverts it's not a bunch of boobies and whatnot. It's just classic funny.
Now stand back while I try to imbed a video of their on this thing. Man I hope this works.

Oh and go to ROOMMATING to check out all their other stuff.



Sniff! My first you tube clip. I'm so proud.

ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO: A Special Review Of Movies I Haven't Seen


ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO comes out on October 31st. Since it is October 11th there is no way that a schlub like me could have seen this thing.
Will that stop me from reviewing the flick? Nope.
Ready, here goes.
First our synopsis;
Zack and Miri have been best friends forever. They are also dirt poor broke and the prospects don't look good. That's when they decide to make a porno to make some big bucks real fast. Now, the smart way to do that would do some down and dirty amateur stuff, post a little taste of it on the web and then start charging the rubes to see it in all it's glory. Amateur porn sells big time.
But, this is a Kevin Smith flick so we get a porn with a plot called STAR WHORES, a spoof of STAR WARS, in case you needed to know that. I myself love porn with a cheesy plot, but I also realize that Joe Sixpack isn't going to come up with something like this. They're gonna do that amateur nonsense I mentioned before. This is where suspension of disbelief comes in.
Can I do that for this flick? Sure! I'll give it a shot. What the heck.
Why would you release this thing on a weekend that is usually reserved for the ghouls and goblins kind of stuff? Beats the Hell out of me. Sounds as smart as releasing GRINDHOUSE on Easter weekend. Oh, crap! They did do that didn't they?
So, you have your built in Kevin Smith audience, couple with the built in Seth Rogen audience. Admittedly the Rogen audience is much larger so this flick could make some huge bank.
Now, here's my problem.
In the past Mr. Smith has involved us, the fans, in the entire creative process. This is a good idea for a series of films with limited appeal. It gets the word out there and he comes across as a warm kind of guy and after a time period we feel we know this guy well enough that we should shell out the dough to go see his flick at least once. And you want to do that pretty damned quick. I remember when Clerks 2 opened here in the wilds of Kalamazoo. It was here and gone in a flash. I ended up having to wait for DVD.
I, personally, have always liked this approach that Mr. Smith takes with his films.
Now we have this one.
His blog has become a barren wasteland of minimal hype. No big web blogs that take us through the process. We did get one lame ass excuse of a blog that said he was just curious to try things a different way this time.
Well, guess what, Mr. Smith? Tough! You have your fan base because of the way you do things. To change them at this late point in the game is a slap in our face. I do get what you're doing. Seth Rogen is the hot commodity guy and he will double your box office without having to do a damned thing.
And to have Traci Lords in a porn spoof just because she did porn is pretty lame as well. I do appreciate the fact that you put Katie Morgan in the flick. She'll bring a reality to the porn aspect of the film that you wouldn't get anywhere else.
Now, this has been a pretty harsh review of a film that I haven't even seen yet and, yes, I'll be seeing it. Not on October 31st, though. I got kids to take trick or treating or the little monsters will rip my kneecaps off.
But I got one last thing to say and this is for Kevin Smith.
Kevin, it's time to talk about that weight problem of yours. I watch the meager web episodes you threw us at the last minute and, my God man! You have swelled to epic proportions. Here's what I propose. You contact me here at this website and we will talk about what we are going to do about this problem of yours. I used to weigh in at 320 pounds. I'm currently at 240 and I did it on my own. This is something that you are going to want to take care of when you're young. Do it now before all the health problems take you out of the picture.
We like you in the picture. You're that foul mouthed uncle that shows up for everything.
In the end the movie is going to roll like this;
It will make big money. The mindless horde of Smith zombies will love it. The Kevin haters will hate it and in the end, the true fans of Kevin Smith will feel left out of the loop and a little hollow as well.
That's it for me. I'm out.

LONG OVERDUE UPDATE

I finally watched this a while back. First viewing; I stopped watching when the credits rolled. Hated it. Months later watched through the credits and got the ending I thought I deserved. A fun flick.  Better than Cop Out worse than Jersey Girl.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

PG PORN

Apparently James Gunn has hit on the brilliant idea of fusing mainstream actors and porn stars in some funny shorts that are on the net. The first one is up and it is hilarious. Now here's your homework.
Go and find the damned thing. No, no link for you I want you to do the legwork all by yourself. Trust me you'll enjoy the journey. It's called PG PORN and it's out there, whispering your name. Can you hear it? Good, now leave!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

MORE FROM THE FOX RIVER GANG

Last night was one of the slow episodes of Prison Break. This is not a bad thing. They need to take time and set things up for us. For those of you that haven't watche it yet. Spoiler Alert.
Apparently, Michael and Linc's mother died at a very young age from a brain tumor. How old was she? Let's just say that Michael's birthday is going to coincide with that tragic event. One more log on the fire that is Prison Break.
Teabag and Michael interacting is always a fun thing to watch. Teddy is definitely the man to hate when it comes to this show and he doesn't disappoint.
Half the gang goes to Vegas and Sucre finds himself in an uncomfortable position that turns into a very funny one.
All in all, I think this was a great episode and it keeps piling up the goodies. Why we have to wait two weeks for a new epsiode is beyond me, but what am I going to do? I don't run FOX so, that won't work.
Oh well.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

A NEW BOOK!!

Divine Exploitation is trying something new. A theme issue. More of a one shot focusing on one, or in this case two, filmmakers. Ladies and gentlemen I give you...



In between working on my Michael Legge book I have found myself drawn again and again to the films of Mark and Teresa Baranowski. Enough so that I thought they deserved their own issue of Divine. Sure, I'm going to reprint old interviews with the couple, but there will be so much more in the issue. A wealth of information, if you will.
I am taking preorders on this special edition.
Anyone ordering now gets it for the low price of only five bucks. My PayPal address is dwaltzwriter@yahoo.com for those of you who can't wait. Anyone preordering the book before print will receive a four issue subscription to Divine Exploitation. What a bargain.
Stay tuned for more updates as I get closer to the finished product.

STATE OF THE BUSINESS ADDRESS

When I say business, I mean the movie business. Come on, isn't that really what matters here? My obsession with film is what drives this particular site. Usually, I like to discuss a more obscure type of film, but this time we are going to delve into the infamous top ten at the boxoffice list.
First, the list of what is top ten at the box office. My snide comments will follow.
EAGLE EYE
NIGHTS IN RODANTHE
LAKEVIEW TERRACE
FIREPROOF
BURN AFTER READING
IGOR
MY BEST FRIEND'S GIRL
RIGHTEOUS KILL
MIRACLE AT ST. ANNA
THE FAMILY THAT PREYS

Okay, watching the trailer for EAGLE EYE makes me think I'm watching a trailer for WANTED, but no Angelina Jolie in it. The whole, technology can make us do anything thing. Yeah, we get it. We get the concept. Technology is bad. Whatever you say, Unabomber.
NIGHTS IN RODANTHE is a chick flick and nothing else. I think I respect this straightforward honesty in the advertising campaign more than any other flick on the list. Diane Lane is still smoking hot and with Richard Gere hanging around the ladies will be happy to go and watch this flick.
LAKEVIEW TERRACE. A bi racial couple moves in next door to crooked cop Samuel Jackson. How do we know he's crooked? That house is way too expensive on a cop's salary. Now it's time for the black man to teach the white man about dipping into the wrong pool. My God, is that really the basic message to this flick? That's all I get from the advertising. It's Hollywood so I see Sam dead by the end of the flick.
FIREPROOF is a shining example that there is an untapped market for films based in Christainity. This is a little film made out side of the Hollywood machine and currently it's number four at the box office. Makes me wonder if Hollywood is paying attention.
BURN AFTER READING is the Coen Brothers having fun. After the atrocious NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN this looks like it will be a lot of fun. Nuff said.
IGOR gives us voice work from the likes of John Cusack and Eddie Izzard. Will this make it a good movie. Maybe. Do kids eat this stuff up? Yea, yes they do. Plus, the spooky aspect during the Fall season plays nicely into Halloween. If it were me I would have waited until a little closer to the holiday.
Let the last four be summed up like this. We get that Dane Cook is a one note actor, but so are a lot of one note actors and they make a fortune at it. DeNiro and Pacino as cops? Kind of a stretch, but okay. Spike Lee makes a war movie, sort of and I am not in the group of people that Tyler Perry is playing to.
This top ten is actually a pretty varied lot. I was a little surprised when I started this. A little bit of everything for everyone. From action film to romantic chick flick to a little Christian film making good. Kind of weird.
Oh well, there it is in a nutshell.

Monday, September 29, 2008

CANNIBAL TERROR (1981)


In the annals of the sub genre of cannibal gut muncher flicks, this may very well be the bottom of the barrel. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. Lets synopse, shall we?
Seems these three hoodlums kidnap a young girl and hold her for ransom. When they get wind of the cops they head for the jungle to hide out. Of course, it's a jungle full of cannibals and things go from bad to worse very quickly.
Sounds typical, doesn't it? Let's run a few things down, shall we?
First off, half of the cannibals are white and some are sporting some lovely hairdos inspired by Elvis complete with sideburns. First time ever I saw cannibals with sideburns. Doesn't really work for me. You can tell that most of the actors were winging it and not in a good way. Most of the ad libbed scenes are painful to watch and none of them have any idea how to just do some business in front of the camera. It came across on the level of an elementary school play. A really crappy elementary school play.
None of the women are that attractive and you kind of wish they would keep their clothes on.
During one of the slaughter scenes there is no attempt to disguise the pig carcass they are splitting open. I mean the woman wasn't that attractive to begin with, but she wasn't a pig.
With all of this negativity all I can say is that Watching Cannibal Terror was one of the best times I have had in a while. It's really so bad it's good. All the aforementioned stuff was met with howls of laughter at The Waltz Compound. My favorite scene was where the old man lead the criminal who raped his wife out into the jungle and tied him to a tree. Then he whistled for the cannibals who were just out in a field crouched down. When they heard the whistle they came running. I think they were channeling Lassie for this scene and I almost lost it. Definitely a high point in the flick.
And while I keep mentioning the word jungle throughout because, as we all know, cannibals live in jungles, yeah this was more of a forest. It looked like they shot the damned thing in Michigan!
Add to all of this the best Easter Egg ever; a ten minute interview with Jess Franco where he confesses to writing Zombie Lake, makes this one of the best discs I have seen in quite some time. The entertainment value coupled with the historical significance of the Easter Egg, makes this one of the most important DVD releases this year.
The good folks at Severin Films must be commended to bringing this obscure classic to light. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go. Time to watch this puppy again. I need a good laugh.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

A Rare Musical Interlude

So, yesterday, Martha and I went to The Redrum. What's the Redrum you may ask? well, in the nearby hamlet of Comstock there is this place called The Lamplighter Inn. It's mostly a banquet hall where I have been one time for my friend Steve's wedding reception.
Now, I am back because my buddy Shawn Rainier and his band SXX are there to play, but they are not alone. Along for the ride were The Luminous, Killing For Sport and Seizure Lake.
Martha and I went not knowing what to expect. Certainly running into one of my old work buddies from Ameritech was the last thing on my mind. But, there was Brian. He looks the same and remembered me even though I have much more beard and a lot less hair.
Anyway, that was cool and then we went into The Redrum. The entire place was a blast from the past. The wallpaper was that gold metallic look with the red velvet patterns on it. All the pictures on the walls looked like they belonged in the mansion of a Resident Evil game. In other words, it was cool.
Two things about the place that torked me off were the one urinal that had a loose pipe so that if you flushed it it sprayed water. Not cool. The other thing was the douche bag bartender that I accidentally handed a five spot and a single to pay for a Diet Coke and he pocketed the whole thing. I used to be a bartender and that was a douche bag thing. If and when I go back he will never receive another tip from me again.
But, let's hit the bands shall we?

First up was The Luminous. Three kids with a ton of energy from Grand Rapids. The three piece was wailing and they call themselves Grunge, experimental punk, but I think a better description would be...The Luminous. Definitely a unique sound and I would go see them again if they played in Kalamazoo or the surrounding areas. Here's their MySpace page so you can go and get a taste. THE LUMINOUS

Next we had Seizure Lake. This band threw me off because the lead singer was this nice looking blonde who really didn't strike me as someone who could blast us with the guttural growls of speed/death metal that came from her vocal cords. The band gave us an awesome set and afterwards she was handing out free CDs. I took one and we listened to it on the way to church this morning. It sounded much better than their live set, but that wasn't their fault. More on this later. Check out their tunage at SEIZURE LAKE

Then there was Killing for Sport. Probably my least favorite of the night. That doesn't mean they were bad it was just that I had already had that type of music with Seizure Lake and I thought they did it better. One thing I will give this foursome is that they have tremendous energy and they look like no other foursome I have ever seen. A group of four of the most different looking guys you have ever seen in your life. I couldn't believe they were the band! Anyway, here's their site if you want to check out their sounds. KILLING FOR SPORT.

Finally, we come to the reason I was there for the night. SXX! I hadn't seen them since Martha and I braved the wilderness and drove to Hastings in a snowstorm. It had been too long. My one true regret is that it's not the original line up. We still have Shawn and Rich, but no Phil and I really like Phil's guitar work. They have these two new guys and while that is fine, it's just not what I want because I am spoiled to the core. That being said, they did an awesome job and played a couple of my favorites. And, anyone closing their set with a kickass rendition of Ace Of Spades is always good in my book. Here's where you can dig one of my favorite bands. SXX
One last gripe concerning the sound. The Luminous, Seizure Lake and Killing For Sport all got a shot in the foot due to the sound guy. I know this because Seizure Lake sounded so much better on their recording and SXX is able to rise above the crappiest of sound men because of the time they have played together. I think that might have made a big difference in the overall vibe of the night.
In the end it was four bands for five bucks, a bargain anytime and a fun time to be out on the local music scene.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

LAST HOUSE ON THE BEACH


From director Franco Prosperi who gave us classics like Addio zio Tom, we get this riff on the whole Last House On The Left.
Sister Christina (Played by Florinda Bolkan, of Lizard In A Woman's Skin and probably best known around here as Flavia in Flavia The Heretic) takes girls in her charge up to a remote house where they are rehearsing A Midsummer Night's Dream. Then three bank robbers show up when their car breaks down and the sadistic games begin. Sprinkled liberally with lots of rape and nudity, the film really doesn't cover any new ground. There are a couple of slow motion scenes that pop up for no real good reason and play stupidly in the process.
The climax comes super fast and all is wrapped up in a nice neat bundle at the end. The even end the film with the same shot they used to start the film. I liked that part because it was like the entire incident was incidental in comparison to the ocean and the seagulls that fly over it. It seemed to trivialize the murders and rapes and the situations of mankind in comparison to the bigger picture. Another disjointed thing, at least for me, was the repeated habit of people speaking to one another and the scenery changing in he process. And I don't mean like they are moving while they are talking. An prime example would be one of the robbers (Ray Lovelock) is speaking to one of the girls on the beach. She says her line, the shot switches to him and the scene has obviously changed locale. He responds to the question even though it is obvious that they are now on the balcony overlooking the beach. No time has passed in the question and response, but they have moved a good 500 yards. Weird, huh? If it was done on purpose, Bravo, but I have the feeling it wasn't. Some of the film looks like it was edited with a chainsaw with some truly awful cuts where you can tell the film didn't match up properly from shot to shot.
Does that make it a good film overall. No, not really, but Severin must be commended for bringing the film to light and in such a gorgeous print. While the film does nothing to rise above it's sub genre it is a prime example of cinema of it's time and deserves to be preserved and watched at least once.

POLONIA DAY IS ON THE WAY!!!


A quick reminder that Sept. 30th is National Polonia Brothers Day. Who are The Polonia Brothers, you might ask? Only two of the best indie directors out there. They can make a movie with negative money that is fun and entertaining. Go to imdb.com and check out their credentials. On the 30th be sure to have a couple of their movies around to watch and get some snacks and tasty beverages as well. It will be fun for the whole family. Do it! I'll be back on the 30th for an additional reminder.

THE MISFITS SUCK!!


Believe it or not, this has nothing to do with the group's musical abilities. I mean they suck on a more personal level.
Let me explain.
So, Martha, my friend Robert and I decided we were going to The Orbit Room last Saturday to watch what I thought would be the best line up of all time. Motorhead and The Misfits. There were some other bands there as well, but it was these two that made me so excited.
So, we got the tickets and I was checking directions to The Orbit Room the day before the concert and what should I see on the website? The Misfits have cancelled. Now I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt so, I checked their website to see what the reason was behind the missed performance.
This is directly from Jerry Only;

For the sake of our loyalty and dedication to all our fiends, the Misfits have chosen to withdraw from the lineup of Volcom’s 2008 tour. The Misfits have always held an incredibly high standard of performance and quality in everything we do. Our fans expect this and deserve it. I will not compromise their expectations for any amount of money, prestige or fame. I apologize for the inconvenience and will reschedule performances wherever possible throughout our upcoming tour this October.

What a lame non excuse!!! If you don't want to disappoint your fans..show up for the show already!!!!
Needless to say, they did not show up, but Motorhead was fantastic, Valient Thorr was insane and a lot of fun and I discovered a new band that I like called ASG. There was another band there called Year Long Disaster. They sucked, musically this time, not personally. I don't know them personally so it would be hard for me to say.
All in all the concert was great. I got to see Lemmy! That alone was worth the price of admission. What would have made it better would have been that icing on the cake known as The Misfits, but, no. They decided to be lame ass pussies and not appear at a show where some people paid good money and spent a lot of gas money to get there. Way to go Misfit. I'm sure that will endear you to the fans from the great state of Michigan in the future. Like you guys can afford to piss off anyone in the first place. And I discovered that the band gets eight grand for each stop on the tour. Eight grand! May i someday be so famous that I can turn my nose up to eight grand.
I would like to apologize to my readers for taking so long between posts. I wish I had an excuse, but I've just been busy. I'll be back more often for more goodies from the realm of exploitation to amaze you with. In the meantime don't forget;
THE MISFITS SUCK!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES

Day late on the release, sorry fans, but this is a pretty good set. The entire first season of a show that a lot of people are punking on, but I think it's well done. For what it is. Summer Glau is phenomenal in the role of the Terminator and Lena Headley is no slouch either. She gets to display more of that ass kickery that we have come to expect from her from roles like Queen Gorgo in 300.
Don't believe the hype, this is a fun watch and lots of extras to keep you busy as well. And don't forget to go to the link on the previous post for some Terminator ala Facebook fun.

Friday, August 15, 2008

TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES

Yeah, you could give the show some grief, but when you get Queen Gorgo as Sarah and Summer Glau as the Terminator, then you've got some steamy television working. To whet your appetite I give you a terrific image and a contest as well.
First, this:



And then this;



the contest for this is here.

I'll be back later to review the first season box set.

Behave True Believers!

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