ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO: A Special Review Of Movies I Haven't Seen

ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO comes out on October 31st. Since it is October 11th there is no way that a schlub like me could have seen this thing.
Will that stop me from reviewing the flick? Nope.
Ready, here goes.
First our synopsis;
Zack and Miri have been best friends forever. They are also dirt poor broke and the prospects don't look good. That's when they decide to make a porno to make some big bucks real fast. Now, the smart way to do that would do some down and dirty amateur stuff, post a little taste of it on the web and then start charging the rubes to see it in all it's glory. Amateur porn sells big time.
But, this is a Kevin Smith flick so we get a porn with a plot called STAR WHORES, a spoof of STAR WARS, in case you needed to know that. I myself love porn with a cheesy plot, but I also realize that Joe Sixpack isn't going to come up with something like this. They're gonna do that amateur nonsense I mentioned before. This is where suspension of disbelief comes in.
Can I do that for this flick? Sure! I'll give it a shot. What the heck.
Why would you release this thing on a weekend that is usually reserved for the ghouls and goblins kind of stuff? Beats the Hell out of me. Sounds as smart as releasing GRINDHOUSE on Easter weekend. Oh, crap! They did do that didn't they?
So, you have your built in Kevin Smith audience, couple with the built in Seth Rogen audience. Admittedly the Rogen audience is much larger so this flick could make some huge bank.
Now, here's my problem.
In the past Mr. Smith has involved us, the fans, in the entire creative process. This is a good idea for a series of films with limited appeal. It gets the word out there and he comes across as a warm kind of guy and after a time period we feel we know this guy well enough that we should shell out the dough to go see his flick at least once. And you want to do that pretty damned quick. I remember when Clerks 2 opened here in the wilds of Kalamazoo. It was here and gone in a flash. I ended up having to wait for DVD.
I, personally, have always liked this approach that Mr. Smith takes with his films.
Now we have this one.
His blog has become a barren wasteland of minimal hype. No big web blogs that take us through the process. We did get one lame ass excuse of a blog that said he was just curious to try things a different way this time.
Well, guess what, Mr. Smith? Tough! You have your fan base because of the way you do things. To change them at this late point in the game is a slap in our face. I do get what you're doing. Seth Rogen is the hot commodity guy and he will double your box office without having to do a damned thing.
And to have Traci Lords in a porn spoof just because she did porn is pretty lame as well. I do appreciate the fact that you put Katie Morgan in the flick. She'll bring a reality to the porn aspect of the film that you wouldn't get anywhere else.
Now, this has been a pretty harsh review of a film that I haven't even seen yet and, yes, I'll be seeing it. Not on October 31st, though. I got kids to take trick or treating or the little monsters will rip my kneecaps off.
But I got one last thing to say and this is for Kevin Smith.
Kevin, it's time to talk about that weight problem of yours. I watch the meager web episodes you threw us at the last minute and, my God man! You have swelled to epic proportions. Here's what I propose. You contact me here at this website and we will talk about what we are going to do about this problem of yours. I used to weigh in at 320 pounds. I'm currently at 240 and I did it on my own. This is something that you are going to want to take care of when you're young. Do it now before all the health problems take you out of the picture.
We like you in the picture. You're that foul mouthed uncle that shows up for everything.
In the end the movie is going to roll like this;
It will make big money. The mindless horde of Smith zombies will love it. The Kevin haters will hate it and in the end, the true fans of Kevin Smith will feel left out of the loop and a little hollow as well.
That's it for me. I'm out.

LONG OVERDUE UPDATE

I finally watched this a while back. First viewing; I stopped watching when the credits rolled. Hated it. Months later watched through the credits and got the ending I thought I deserved. A fun flick.  Better than Cop Out worse than Jersey Girl.