HAUNTS (1977)

It is time to delve back into my 50 pack of Chilling Movies. It's been awhile, but I had some free time to put something in the old DVD player. HAUNTS is the one I picked. I was in the mood for a slasher flick and this one said that it had a guy whacking the locals with a pair of scissors. Giving the killer an A for originality, I was ready to watch.
My crap radar popped up when I saw that Aldo Ray and Cameron Mitchell were both in the flick. At least there would be some epic scenery chewing. That can always be fun.
Anyway, the leading lady, May Britt, plays Ingrid, a repressed, pious older lady that lives on a farm with her dad who is Cameron Mitchell. Seems that someone is indeed killing people with scissors.
I had to give them props as the first killer is interrupted by someone going out to the pantry for jam. The killer attacks her, but is interrupted in a second kill by the rest of the household. In formulaic slasher flicks he would have whacked the girl. The originality I spoke of early proved itself early on.
In fact the entire film is original. And confusing. I'm pretty sure there was more than one killer which made for a muddled mess, but still original. The ending is so out of left field that it isn't funny.
Cameron Mitchell gives a magnificent performance. Sweating, twitching and looking extremely uncomfortable. Aldo Ray starts out right over the top and there is nowhere else to go but up and that doesn't stop Mr. Ray.
Sure, the print is washed out and the sound is, well terrible would be a compliment, but it has it's own backwoods charm to it. I have to say that at no time does it seem to be cribbing from any other flick I have seen. I looked everywhere for pics for the flick, but only came up with one of Cameron Mitchell. It looks good though compared to the condition of the print that I have of the film.
This is one of the gem's of this box set and it makes me glad that I got it.
I'll try to do better in getting the rest of these reviewed. Since concluding one of my busier blogs I have a considerable amount of free time.

STAN WINSTON DEAD AT 62

Yeah, this sucks. That's the only real way to put this. The man gave us such wonderful creations in film. Hell, even his toys were the coolest things on the block. Now, he's gone and will be missed by all of us who used to pour over old issues of Fangoria and look at the incredible detail he brought to his work.
My favorite memory of Stan would have to be when I got the DVD of John Carpenter's The Thing. There is this huge documentary that really is nothing more than talking heads, but so full of information. Stan came on to explain his dog puppet creation and I was mesmerized the entire time he talked. Soft spoken, but knowing what he wanted to say with great eloquence. It made me appreciate the way his mind approached an effects problem and now he's gone.
I know there is a Heaven and all I can truly hope is that Stan will be there for me to see in the hereafter. My prayers and thoughts go out to his family in this most troubling of times.
Stan Winston you will be sorely missed here on Earth.

Candy Stripers (2005)

So, my wife and I were in the local Big Lots looking for a paper towel holder. Long story, don't ask. And Big Lots, always has this ton of movies on sale. This time there was a huge box of three dollar movies. Now, when they are dollar flicks I could care less and I will buy twenty of the damned things. I have a stack of them unopened at my house. So, a three dollar movie needs a little more finesse. It needs to be something that I really would watch if I'm spending the extra dollars.
Along comes the 2005 alien invasion flick, Candy Stripers.
Seems there is a spaceship crash and these two girls happen upon it. They find some dudes and they are dead as doornails so they hightail it outta there. Did I mention that one of the girls was blind? I didn't? Not important as she is really just the means that the slimy, slug like alien gets his grips into the titular characters of the film.
A few deep lesbian kisses later and we have a huge amount of possessed hot chicks who eat a lot of sweets and like to do the nasty with men so that they can cocoon them and make more alien babies.
Our leader, a lame (no, not that kind of lame. His leg got busted up earlier in the movie. Didn't mention it? Probably because it's not important.) basketball player and his buddies decide to wipe out the evil aliens. Seems that this girl that is crushing on our leading man is a diabetic and needs her insulin shots. Guess what will kill these aliens? Yup, you guessed it, insulin. Kinda stupid, but then so is alien possessed candystripers. And aren't candy stripers supposed to be young girls? While these ladies do look fabulous naked, and we do get fair share of naked, there is no way they are young enough to be a candy striper.
There are lots of plot holes like this, but where else are you going to get a hospital full of man hungry girls in skin tight nurses outfits? Plus, the gore flows pretty good. When you have a hot red head going down on a guy only to leave his crotch a bloody mess then you know you are in for a fun ride.
So, in the end, the flick has a million plot holes. Don't care. The dialogue is stilted and lame as Hell. Don't care. The plot is lifted from a million B movies as well as a little of Cronenberg's Shivers. Don't care. We get some gorgeous ladies in the altogether or prancing around in very tight hospital attire sucking on bright red lollipops. See, now we got a movie! If you love this kind of genre, the movie works at a pretty good clip. No real surprises. When you find out the quiet girl is diabetic you know that insulin will be playing a part later in the flick. You also know that she'll end up looking pretty damned hot by the end of the flick.
When my seven year old says, "Will this have a real ending or one of those, the monsters aren't dead endings?" You know that they have tried nothing new in the realm of film making and that's alright. It's good to have mindless entertainment to eat popcorn with.
And that's what Candy Stripers is. Bravo!

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY JESS!

I cannot believe I forgot that yesterday was the maestro's birthday?! Jess Franco is probably one of the biggest influences on the way I look at things. His films make me look at the world in a different way and I enjoy all of them. Anyway, here is to a fabulous birthday for Jess and to many more!
See, this never happens with Lina Romay because we have the same birthday. Oh well. I'm a slacker. Forgive me.

A WORD

A while back I decided to put ad space on this blog. I did this through an amazingly easy program called Project Wonderful. And the ads flourished! Well, they flourished because you could get ad space for free. after a few weeks of meager profits and a lot of free ad space I decided to up the ante and charge a measly two cents a day for ad space. I figured that people would jump on that bandwagon. Yeah, look at the banner next to this and tell me how well that went. I don't think that two cents is a horrid price to pay for being here. Especially since I don't tend to show any biad towards any advertiser. I could care less as long as you pony up the two cents a day. Seems reasonable, right? Right! Oh well, I guess I'll bur the ad banner down a little further on the page and put the people I really like a little further up on the totem pole where they belong.
I'll be back late with some more of the weirdness that is Divine Exploitation.
Oh, and the word 'chimerical'? Awesome word and you should look it up and use it in a sentence from time to time. You'll be glad you did.
I gotta go.

ENTER...ZOMBIE KING

ENTER... ZOMBIE KING
Directed By Stacey Case
Canada 2004 - 76 Minutes/Widescreen
DVD Provided By ADV Films


Ulysses is our masked wrestler hero. Looked up to by millions he finds himself cruising a lonely stretch of road. He comes upon a secluded gas station that has the bare necessities of life. Beer, cigarettes and all seven kinds of jerky. Throw in a full tank of gas and it's more than enough to make any luchadore happy. Unless, there are hordes of flesh eating zombies on the prowl and the weather is acting strange. Ulysses realizes that he'll need some help. Mainly the gorgeous Mercedes and her temperamental brother, The Blue Saint. That's right, they wear the masks as well. The trio go to look up an old friend, Tiki, who specializes in wrestling zombies. Quite possibly the most dangerous kind of wrestling there is. It's during one of these matches that a waitress gets eaten. Everyone blames Tiki and his trailer full of the undead.

Little do any of them realize that the murder was the fault of The Zombie King and his psycho sidekick, The Murderlizer. It might be interesting to note that The Murderlizer does not wear any form of mask. Unless he's masquerading as The Blue Saint. Ulysses soon realizes that the group is in way over their heads and calls in a favor. Mr. X, the masked wrestler of Wall Street, along with his yacht of naked crewmembers enter the fray. Now it is the forces of good vs. evil and to make matters even more complicated the evil is one of their own!



ENTER... ZOMBIE KING is without a doubt the best thing I have seen in this new year. Stacey Case needs to be commended for flawlessly blending the aspects of Mexican wrestling, retro comics, zombies and pure exploitation. When I received the screener for this the box art leapt out into my face. Pure Jack Kirby style that would have made The King proud. As if that wasn't enough the masked wrestler aspect is phenomenal. It's also a great cost saving device. If someone flubs a line you can dub it in later and not worry if it matches. No one can tell what these guys are saying under their masks. And if you thought that was impressive, the storyline mentions that the weather has gotten truly bizarre. One day it's snowing, the next it's clear as day. Another ingenious money saver. It doesn't matter what the weather is like when you're doing your shot. The story takes care of all the inconsistences that plague other features. I'm truly surprised that no one has ever thought of this before.

The image is beautiful, making use of a new video system that actually looks like film. Plenty of women that are easy on the eyes. Mercedes is clad in a skimpy, girls school outfit for most of the film and is just incredibly hot. Each masked wrestler brings their own attitude to the proceedings. My favorite would have to be zombie wrestler, Tiki. The gore flies freely throughout the picture and is done very well. And with that you would think that would be enough. Right?



Wrong! True music lovers can also rejoice as the soundtrack is filled with the likes of The Tijuana Bibles, The Sadies, The Blue Demons, Sinking Ships and The Exploders. A true garage band festival that propels the action on the screen forward in a a mad, fevered rush. It was especially nice seeing The Tijuana Bibles perform in the flick, what with them being masked music men.

After watching this film a couple of times I came to realize that it was fantastic, but I knew that it would be one of those things that no one would see. Then I went to Best Buy to see what was on the racks. I get a lot of Something Weird titles this way, believe it or not. Anyway, I'm trolling through the aisles and what do I see? That's right, boys and girls! Three copies of ENTER...ZOMBIE KING! And this is in the wilds of Michigan no less. It gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling to know that this flick was out there on the shelves for the consumer to discover this gem.

My only regrets concerning the film are these:

One, there are no extras on a disc that screams for them. Music videos, behind the scenes, you know, Stuff!

Two, no action figures. I really need a Tiki and Zombie King action figure. My seven year old, who watches this film on a regular basis wants them all. Who knows, maybe sometime in the future.

So, what are you waiting for? I told you this was out in the stores. Go get ENTER... ZOMBIE KING and treat yourself to a truly original, hilarious film. You won't be sorry. You might go out and buy your own wrestler mask, but you won't be sorry.

NAIL GUN MASSACRE

NAIL GUN MASSACRE (1985)

As is common with many slasher films of the 80’s the plot for this little gem is wafer thin, but it’s not the plot that keeps it going and has made it a cult classic today. The film opens with a young woman being raped by a group of construction workers. As far as rape scenes go this baby has got nothing on I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE. Hell, it’s really got nothing on an explicit episode of The Brady Bunch. Pretty tame stuff. Well, it doesn’t take long before a camouflage wearing, motor cycle helmeted looney with a self contained nail gun happens on the scene. And it’s a good thing the killer is wearing camouflage too. Seems that if you’re less than three feet from the psycho you can’t see them …because the killer’s wearing camouflage!?!



So, it doesn’t take long before this dirt water town in Texas is overrun with dead bodies. The local sheriff is real good at driving around in his unmarked car wearing a generic brown shirt and plastic badge that changes from one side of his shirt to the other for no apparent reason. The local doctor is some Trans-Am driving dude who thinks he’s cool and they spend the day running around looking for bodies. And, according to the doc, all the bodies have been laying around for hours. This would be okay, but the film only shows the passage of maybe two days tops. There aren’t enough hours in the day to manage what this killer does. Not only does he have the ability to kill people with non lethal shots from a nail gun, but he can then make it seem as if they’ve been dead for hours. One guy he nails to a tree by the hands. I’m sorry, but it would hurt like hell and you’d lose some blood, but you could be hanging there for days before you expire from exposure, not blood loss. Maybe he dips the nails in poison?



And as for the identity of our killer. Well, that doesn’t take a lot of figuring out. You know the scene in many films where they show some guy or gal and they look really suspicious? Yeah, the old red herring trick. They do this one time in the film and it’s the killer! Real suspense going on there.
As much grief as I’ve been giving the film you’re probably waiting for the other shoe to drop, right? Nope. I remember watching this film on its initial release. The video boom was in full swing and slasher films stalked the land. It was a golden age that we all enjoyed. Sure, there were some awful pieces of crap oozing from the wood work, but this film always held a dear place in my heart. First, we get the ultra reality of the fact that none of these folks are actors. The lady, who runs the local grocery store and has some of the wildest dialogue in the movie, is the director’s grandma! No one in this film went on to anything else. Well, except for the hot blonde in the beginning of the film. With a body like that you know she had to have a career somewhere. Second, we get the wildest killer of all time. The motorcycle helmet has tape over the visor to help hide the identity of the killer. Sure, they could have used a smoked plastic visor, but they probably didn’t have one and those damned things cost money! The camouflage jumpsuit is a nice added touch of bizarre to the entire proceedings. Factor into that the electronic, garbled voice that the killer has plus his penchant for making truly funny puns with each kill and we have a character begging for a franchise. I’m amazed that a sequel never came from this. Finally, Terry Lofton gives us a competent film. Sure there are plot holes you can run a semi through and continuity is similar to a grade school play, but they gave it their all and you can see it on the screen.
The DVD gives us a pretty clean print for what we have to work with. The only extra is a 24 minute interview with Director Lofton. The man is personable and lets us in on most of the secrets about making the film. He also lets a few cats out of the bag concerning questions people have asked him over the years. My favorite? Remember the scene I mentioned with his grandma? Watch carefully as the scene ends and she hands the young folks their box of groceries. Under the box is her script for the film. She even turns a page and checks it and then looks at the camera and smiles. Things like that crack me up and add a certain homey feeling to the proceedings. The folks at Synapse who released the disc also include a hilarious little essay entitled, ’20 Things I Learned From Watching The Nail Gun Massacre. A funny read and a nice little addition to the package.
Nail Gun Massacre is a shining example of what was lying on the video shelves of yesteryear and still worth watching today.