BERSERKER (1987)

Okay, we start this puppy off with a viking ship hitting the beast and a berserker warrior getting off the boat to wreak havoc. Then we flash forward to present day, well 1987 anyway, and a group of kids ready to go camping. Yeah, they'll be camping where they elderly couple just got gutted like trout.
Once they show up it hits the fan and it's berserker vs the obnoxious teens. Along the way there is plenty of beer drinking, joint smoking and a sex scene with a girl with the smallest boobies I have seen in forever. Oh and some hard rocking songs written expressly for the film help to rock out sporadically throughout the flick.
Berserker is a little odd because you just have no idea what is going on. They mention the curse of the berserker and say that someone must become the berserker every generation. But when they reveal the identity of the berserker it doesn't gel for me.
The acting is bad, the gore is kind of skimpy and if I see a bear growl at a camera again it will be too soon. Every five minutes that poor bear growls at the camera. I hope he got paid well for his constant emoting to the camera.
George 'Buck' Flowers is wasted in his role with some bizarre accent. And there is no trailer to be found anywhere, and believe me, I tried.
Maybe if you see this one out there in the world you should just run in the opposite direction.

THE DORM THAT DRIPPED BLOOD (1982)

Lately, I have been filling in the blanks on my slasher flicks and this one came up. Why not I thought? Daphne Zuniga is in it and she's pretty cute.
Well, we'll get to that.
Seems that a dorm is going to be razed to the ground so a few students are recruited to make some cash by selling off a lot of the old stuff in the dorm and get it ready for demolition.
Remember I mentioned Daphne Zuniga? Yeah she's in the first few minutes of the flick. Seems that she can't stay and help because her parents are on their way to pick her up. Our slasher won't hear of it and slaughters the parents and Daphne gets her chest crushed by a car. Since the rest of the kids thought she was leaving she is not missed. Soon, we discover that there is a handyman on site as well as this crazy dude that might as well have the words 'red herring' painted on the front of his shirt.
With only four kids to kill the murders in this are pretty sparse. Sure, the handyman is done in with a power drill, but the makers of this flick realized they had painted themselves into a corner with the small cast so we get lots of spooky music with no payoff. Kind of a tease.
The murders are bloody enough and the effects seem to come off without a hitch and look good on camera. I thought it was funny that they introduced a secondary character for no other reason than they needed his girlfriend to show us her titties. They were nice titties, don't get me wrong, but that was pretty superficial. At least they remembered to put them in there.
So, a mediocre slasher flick at best and I didn't like the ending. Watch at your own discretion.
And why the original title was PRANKS is beyond me. Didn't make any sense.

I'M GONNA BE IN A BOOK!

Well, not me personally. I contributed to the anthology MONDO SASQUATCH and apprently they liked my story enough to include it. It's a tale entitled Sasquatch Vs. El Chupacabra. Sounds pretty straight forward, but I tried to play it a little different.

Here's a list of all the contributers;

• “I Have Always Wondered What Bigfoot Meat Tastes Like: An Introduction” by Louis Fowler


• “Arlo Felling Exists” by Richard Tiernan

• “Bigfoot and the Bone Face Murders” by Michael May

• “Bigfoot Must Die” by Frankie Marino

• “From Hell’s Heart” by Desmond Reddick

• “Incident at Crater Lake” by Casey Criswell

• “Roadside Attraction” by Matthew P. Mayo

• “Sacrifice” by Shawn Gilbreath

• “Sasquatch vs. El Chupacabra” by Douglas Waltz

• “Strike” by Michael D. Winkle

• “The Ballad of the Skunk Ape” by Jarret Keene

• “The Encounter” by Mike White

• “The Tale of Peter Rabbit and the Sasquatch” by Beatrix Potter and Rod Lott

• “The Tragic Hazing of Bryan Igfoot” by Eric Dimbleby

• “Theodore Roosevelt and the Great American Anthropoid” by Bill Adcock

And here's the really cool cover:
 

I will give more information as the release date looms ever closer.

TRIPLE BILL AT THE WALTZ COMPOUND

As many of you may know I've been laid up with this magnificent head cold sinus thingie as of late. Drinking plenty of liquids and getting lots of rest. Anyway, I decided to watch me some demented cinema and went to the old SOV shelf (SOV means Shot On Video for the uninformed).
Here is what I let run before my weary head.

HOOK OF WOODLAND HEIGHTS

Not even feature length, this tells a pretty straightforward tale of a psycho who gets loose, jams a hooked fork into the stump of his hand and goes on a killing rampage. That being said, this was a pretty fun little flick. Reminds me of something Chris Seaver would do if he was a little more mean spirited. The effects are fair. The guy playing the psycho killer was hilarious and I loved the ending of this one.

You can watch the whole thing on youtube, but here's a taste;



THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY

Many moons ago I had to review a double feature that included this flick and something called TERROR AT TENKILLER. That flick didn't leave much of an impression, but this one did. From the most Godawful wall paper I have seen in my life, and remember I'm old so I've seen lots of wallpaper, to just cheesy clothing. Seems this doctor gave this psycho a lobotomy and all it did was piss off the psycho. He dresses like a doctor, grabs a scalpel and heads for the Doc's house where three girls are having an innocent little slumber party.
Yeah right.
It doesn't take long for the blood to flow and the bodies to pile up.
There are things I really liked about this movie, but if it's a slumber party movie and there's a shower scene and there's no nudity we are gonna have a problem.
Other than that, kind of fun and a little twisted.



BOARDINGHOUSE

If I complained too much about the lack of nudity in the two preceding films, then this one makes up for it. We have a house inhabited by some evil spirit. This new age dude gets the house and since it has ten bedrooms he goes in search of roommates. Girl roommates.
Weird stuff starts happening and people start winding up dead. The funniest thing is it is in Horror Vision. Apparently, Horror Vision is a shot of a black glove and some freaky sounds. It tells you when someone is gonna get bloody. Yeah, sometimes they forget the glove and people get bloody anyway.
I love a movie where they figure if they throw a plethora of boobies at the screen no one will mind. They are correct. I thought BOARDINGHOUSE was a blast!

DEMON DIVAS AND THE LANES OF DAMNATION (2009)

So, here's the thing. I love Amy Lynn Best and Mike Watt. The husband and wife team that founded Happy Cloud Pictures, along with the uber cool Bill Holman, make my favorite movies. When I saw Resurrection Game I was gobsmacked. Someone figured out that the best way to make a zombie movie is to make it your own. Don't tag along with whatever flavor zombies were that month. Add to that a Philip K. Dick feel to the whole thing and we have a winner. Severe Injuries came next and it was what a horror comedy was supposed to be. Once again, they got it. They understood that they had to, once again, make it their own.
Then I was fortunate enough to make it to their second convention, Genghis Con 2. I finally got to meet them. They were awesome and they showed their current film, Abattoir.
I really love Abattoir. I'm sad that they had to change the name to Feast of Flesh, but I looked past it and have one of my favorite vampire films that I watch on rotation. Maybe I'll photoshop my own box art for the DVD and put the old title on it. Maybe.
Then came Splatter Movie. I'm not sure what went South for me on that one. I keep telling myself I'll revisit it and that might make a difference. Maybe I was grumpy that day. I have no idea. I had the same response to Chris Seaver's Film Crew and after multiple viewings it clicked for me and I like it. Michael Legge's Potential Sins was another case where the movie and I were not getting along. So, like I said, maybe a revisit to Splatter Movie is in order.
And, the funny thing for me is that if Mike is reading this right about now he's got steam coming out of his ears.
TALK ABOUT THE MOVIE ALREADY, DOUG!!
Ah, I can hear his voice now.
Alright, Mike, you win.
Here we go.
DEMON DIVAS AND THE LANES OF DAMNATION deals with a couple of girls who work at a bowling alley. Nice girls. A little plain looking, but nice. Coventry Lanes is owned by a group of women who are more than they seem to be. They do not do a lot to hide it, but they never come out and say it. These girls are in college and tormented by a group of sorority girls that know that they are better than normal people and are not ashamed to say it. They live to torment the two girls. Then the women offer the girls a chance to look better and get a little revenge in the process. Seems the sorority plans on having a party at Coventry Lanes.
That's right, people. It's about to hit the fan.
A lot of people will remember Sorority Babes and The Slimeball Bowl-A-Rama. I watched it for one reason; Linnea Quigley. One of my favorite true scream queens. Demon Divas in no Bowl-A-RAma.
And that's a good thing.
I don't want a rehash of something I still watch. Yeah I still Watch Bowl-A-Rama. Wanna make something of it?
Mr. Watt took his prodigious writing talents and crafted something that I think would make my head spin if I attempted it. The five owners of Coventry Lanes speak together all the time. Sometimes each one gets a sentence, sometimes not. This whole structure would make me crazy and Mr. Watt pulls it off without a hitch. He plays it smart by casting the five demons as people he already has history. His lovely wife Amy Lynn is my second favorite. Sorry Amy, but Brinke Stevens will always win my fanboy nerd heart. I do admit, however, that I thought that Ms. Best is infinitely cuter in her bowling outfit than her dress as a demon diva. Didn't like the dress. Loved the bowling togs. The special effects are pretty darned good. The film looks beautiful.
This is a good solid horror flick.
Ready for my complaint?
Why is Rachelle Williams not naked?!?!
Rachelle Williams is one of my favorite actresses in the micro budget world. I think Meredith Host might edge her out slightly from the number one slot, but that's it. She's very pretty naked. We've seen her naked in the past. It's not a new thing just something I always expect.
There, my one complaint.
And let me address the obvious. The haters who will say, 'Yeah, but you and Mike are buddies! You're review doesn't count!'
Um, I paid cash money for my copy of DEMON DIVAS AND THE LANES OF DAMNATION. And Mike and I are more acquaintances than buddies. I'll have to go drinking with him to be buddies.
You should do the same.
Oh and Mike? Yeah I like the title Coventry Lanes better.

SPLATTER UNIVERSITY (1984)

I warmed up to watching this by first watching Isabella Rosselini's series Green Porno. Great series. At least I had that going in to this mess.
First up, I am a very giving reviewer. I'm not going to bash you because of bad acting, bad effects or bad anything. But I expect you to follow the rules of what I consider to be a good slasher flick from the 80's.
1. It has to look like it was shot in some small town somewhere. He Knows You're Alone is a prime example of this as is the original My Bloody Valentine. This movie does a good job of that so, score 1.
2. Blood and/or guts. It's a slasher flick so I better see the red stuff. Any actual guts are just chunky icing on a gory cake. Again, this one has it in spades so, bravo another point for the flick.
3. Nudity. This is non negotiable. Remember the aforementioned He Knows You're Alone? Sure the nudity was on this chick who looked like a man with tits, but it counted. Man! She was ugly! This is where Splatter University fails. There are several girls in here that could have gotten naked for the camera. Even the red head with the giant afro mullet (don't ask) would have been acceptable. NO nudity equals a fail. You don't get best two out of three in this business.
As for the story we start out with a guy escaping from a mental institute. He stabs an orderly in the dick and steals his clothes.
Flash forward three years and a professor at the titular university gets stabbed in the tit and dies.
Our heroine is the replacement professor.
She shows up and people start dropping like flies and she might be next.
This film is the worst film that takes place at a school. The school should become a part of the narrative. In this it is just too forced and fails to work. The class room scenes are a joke.
And it's time for spoiler territory because I thought they missed a great ending. See the head padre of the school is the escaped dude from the hospital years before. I think it would have played better if the padre was the killer, but Mark, a secondary character/love interest was the escaped patient. That way, at the end when they confront one another instead of the lame, down ending we get we would receive and epic psycho killer battle at the end. They laid the groundwork during the film where it would have worked, but they left it.
So, while I loves me some slasher flick, this one leaves me cold.

The Incomplete Works of Mike Watt Vol. 1

This is a collection of Mike Watt's columns that deal with various things like Horror Conventions, Filmmaking, Religion, Politics. Everything except for sex. Sure, there's a chapter marked sex, but it has nothing in it.
Being a horror convention nerd, well, I'm not sure nerd covers it. I go to Cinema Wasteland, one of Mr. Watt's favorite shows and I attend Motor City Comic Con. That's really it for me. Through Mike's writings I get to discover that Cinema Wasteland might be one of the best out there so, it's nice to get a confirmation that I picked well in my convention going.
The convention stuff actually makes for a huge section of the book.
But there's that other stuff. His affinity for firearms. Fighting with his horses and the triffids that attempt to take over his lawn every year. The fact that he lives on the side of a mountain so removed from reality that his lovely wife and fellow film maker, Amy Lynn Best, can check the mail in her birthday suit if she desires and no one would ever know.
Hunter S. Thompson would be proud.
Especially when he gets on a rant that can cover anything at any time. His journeys into Vegas and Disney World show us that we should never take what we see at face value.
I picked this up last weekend at the Cinema Wasteland show and read it through until yesterday.
Now, here is how I judge a book. It always falls into three groups.
1. Book is too long and boring and I either struggle to finish it or abandon it on the roadside somewhere so a hobo can pick it up and be equally bored.
2. The book is perfect length, perfect story and finishes at the perfect time. These books are pretty good and I might even suggest them to people I know.
3. The book is over and I continue to page through until I hit the back cover. I look at it for a moment, stunned and check to make sure there isn't more book somewhere I might have missed. Sometimes I just start reading it again in the hopes that I might have skipped something.
These are my favorite books.
I am happy to say that The Incomplete Works of Mike Watt Vol. 1 falls into the number three category.
Now, where in the Hell is Vol. 2 and do I make an appearance in it anywhere?
Well done, sir.

CINEMA WASTELAND REPORT

Another Cinema Wasteland come and gone. What a hoot!

The bullet points;

Michael Berryman might be one of the coolest people I have ever met at one of these things.

David Hess seems truly demented in real life.

Tom Atkins? Yeah, just as cool as Michael Berryman. Maybe even cooler.

Letting my friends Michael and Robert loose and them having a really good time.

Finally meeting Dr. Rhonda Baughman in the flesh and giving her her annual bag of birthday swag.

Always glad to see Bill Zebub, but sad that he wasn't playing a flick this weekend. I also thought it was funny that he creeped out Michael and Robert.

Played the 42 questions with 42nd Street Pete and won for the second time in a row. Apparently, you only get to win three times before they retire you. And, the questions were too damn easy.

Watching 16mm prints of Devil Doll and It! The Terror From Beyond Space.

Electric ukele with Henrique Couto.

Splattertude rocking the house!

Having a nice chat with Mike Watt.

Seeing Chris Seaver and Travis Indovina who is a madman.