PALISADES TARTAN BRINGS IT'S A GAME THIS HALLOWEEN!

Sure, you could watch the same old, same old creepy horror classics you watch year after year this October, but here's a novel idea. How about something that will actually scare you? Or,at the very least, disturb the crap out of you.
I am, of course referring to the plethora of releases coming out of Palisades Tartan Video this month.
Let's start off with the coolest and probably weirdest of the bunch.
I am referring to PRINCESS. A Danish film directed by Anders Morgenthaler, this film is more than a little off center. It concerns a missionary by the name of August who comes home after years of work out of the country because his sister has died from drug abuse. But his sister was no ordinary junkie. She was the porn star referred to as The Princess. She left her five year old daughter Mia with a prostitute so, August claims his niece.
Burdened with guilt, sadness and an unspeakable rage, August takes it upon himself to avenge the death of his sister. The violence continues to escalate as August realizes that the world of drugs, pornography and prostitution is more than a single man can handle.
While this sounds like a pretty straightforward storyline, here's the kicker;
Most of the film is animated. Sure, there are flashbacks that are in grainy video, but this is a beautifully animated film.
I've heard people refer to it as THE LITTLE MERMAID meets TAXI DRIVER. I really don't see THE LITTLE MERMAID in this. More of a dark Hayao Miyazaki film. The animation is gorgeous and the storytelling is magnificent.
My favorite scene, which won't really ruin the storyline for anyone, is during a shoot out. Everytime August puts a bullet in someone it shows the results of the death. Whether it's a coffin going into the crematorium or a widening red stain on the bed of the person's lover, this is amazing stuff.



Next up is THE BUTCHER. Forget SAW. Forget HOSTEL. This movie is brutal with a capital B. There is no setup or explanation. The flick throws you into the center of a handful of people who have been selected to be in a snuff film. Shot entirely with two POV cameras, THE BUTCHER revels in it's ability to shock the Hell out of you. And really shock you. You will not believe what you are seeing in a film that was actually too gruesome to be released in its country of origin.
To be honest, it's not my cup of tea, but there are a lot of people who will probably like it. I did appreciate the fact that the film makers limited themselves to using POV cameras and still managed to pull off a cohesive narrative.



Then we have P.
Dau is a young orphan girl who is taught magic by her grandmother. When grandmother gets ill, Dau is forced to go to nearby Bangkok to find work so she can buy her grandmother medicine. She ends up working in a go-go bar where her innocence doesn't last too long. She decides to use her magic to give her an advantage over the other people who work in the bar. This gives her a few enemies and problems as the darker aspects of her magic start to reveal themselves.
P is a really good flick that does a nice slow build up of tension and horror as you realize what is happening. And, for the gore hounds out there. There's even something for you. An all around creepfest.



Finally, we have the crown of the group. Palisades Tartan has released three of it's horror flicks in what they are calling...
TERROR PACK Vol. 1
With three great films from around the globe.
First there is SHEITAN with Vincent Cassel. It's your warm, Christmas story, but not really as a group of youngsters realize that the creepy guy with the pregnant wife has made a pact with the devil and it's about to come to a head.
Then there is CARVED. A beautiful woman gets her face disfigured by her jealous husband and her spirit haunts the town where it happened. But it's been thirty years. She couldn't come back again, could she? Well, if she didn't then we wouldn't have a movie, would we?
Finally from the Dutch we have SLAUGHTER NIGHT. Seems that young Kristel is on a mission to a museum to retrieve the final manuscript from her departed dad. She takes along some friends. This can't go well at all, can it?

I, for one, am glad that Tartan is back in its new incarnation of Palisades Tartan. They are renowned for bringing us cinema from around the globe and this October they have become determined to scare the Hell out of us as well.
Bravo!

Two For Tuesday Double Feature.HANNA D & BLACK DEVIL DOLL

I watched a flick late last night and then another one today so I decided to go for the two-fer approach. Two flicks as different as day and night and both reeking of the dreaded exploitation germ.
Wheeeee!
Ready? Good! Let's get this started.
First up we have HANNA D. THE GIRL FROM VONDEL PARK
Right on the front Severin Films warns you that it is an extreme exploitation gem. Exploitative? Oh, most definitely. Extreme? No, not really. At least not anymore.
It starts with the release of a film entitled CHRISTIANE E. that started the whole 'sweet-teen-turned-heroin-addict-prostitute' sub-genre. Everyone jumped on board that one just for the amount of skin you are allowed to show.

In this case that lovely skin belonged to the breathtaking Ann Gisel Glass. Her slender frame coupled with those huge, smoking eyes made it impossible to ignore this woman in this role.
Directed by the infamous Rino Di Silvestro of WEREWOLF WOMAN and WOMEN IN CELL BLOCK 7 fame, Rino gives us a woman who believes she is in control of her life.

Until drugs take hold.
What's the flick about? I already told you. It doesn't stray too far from the whole concept. Hanna meets a young man who says they will go places and then turns her into a porn actress and prostitute. He makes sure she gets plenty of good drugs. Probably the most disturbing sequences to me were when Hanna took the shot on the back of her tongue and the inside of her eyelid so that the track marks wouldn't show. Yowtch!
I looked online for a trailer for the flick and the quality of the video is so bad that I decided against it. Just check out the screen captures to see what a gorgeous print this is. Uncut and uncensored for the first time ever in America.

And, as far as extras go, there is a fantastic interview with the director who just passed away on the 9th of October this year. I get the feeling that they let it run long because it was probably his last interview. I really thought it was cool that he was wearing the same sweater that I own. Very cool to know that I have similar tastes to some depraved film maker. Come to think of it, my wife bought me that sweater for Christmas a few years back. Hmmm, she must be the one to have similar tastes to a depraved film maker. Gonna have to keep an eye on that one.

Now let us depart from the lovely Hanna D. for much more frightening fare. I am talking of course of ...BLACK DEVIL DOLL! He's a lover, he's a killer...HE'S A MUTHAFU**IN' PUPPET! (that's from the DVD box. I am rarely that clever)

Take an unbeatable mixture of classic blaxploitation with more giant boobies than you can motorboat in an afternoon and thrown in an evil puppet who wants as much white trim as he can get his puppet boner on and you have what is destined to be a classic.

BLACK DEVIL DOLL is the touching story of bored and buxom Heather.(Played by the delightful Heather Murphy, who needs to be in many, many more movies.)She happens to own a ventriloquist dummy and a Ouija board. She decides to fire up the portal to another world at the same moment that a black militant serial killer dies in the electric chair. Before you can say Jimmy Crack Corn And I Don't Care, the old ventriloquist dummy has transformed into a puppet version of our angry black militant. when he feasts his eyes on the bodacious Heather, he decides that he needs some of that sweet lovin'. Yeah, but then the brother gets bored with the same booty night after night and tells Heather she needs to score him some more of the delectable white goddesses that she is friends with.

Heather invites four of her friends over. Seems that Heather only knows strippers because that is what we are presented with here. Doesn't take long before the gore is flying as well as lots of deviant puppet sex. when Heather realizes that her puppet boyfriend is nothing but a cold blooded killer she knows it's up to her to stop that damned jive talking puppet.

This, like the recently reviewed THE BLOODY APE, is a throwback to the exploitation of yesteryear. It knows what it is and rubs your face in it for a tight edited 73 minutes. This would be the perfect double feature with TRILOGY OF TERROR with Karen Black because we all know that we only watch the episode where she battles the Zuni Fetish Doll. Am I right? Of course I am.

Hurray for the return of the evil puppet genre! We have missed you little wooden bastards.

THE FORMALDEHYDE MAN...NO MORE!!!

The picture of Formaldehyde is from Geek Maggot Bingo. All Rights Are Copyright to the creators.

So, I recently watched GEEK MAGGOT BINGO the other day. I hadn't seen it for years so I decided to was time for a rewatch. I was infatuated with the monster known as The Formaldehyde Man. I have a friend who is an excellent sculptor who I thought could do up a small, inaction figure that we could make a limited run of and sell on the Internet.
Seems reasonable right? Yeah, then I got this message from my MySpace account.

"Hi Doug,
While I share your enthusiasm regarding the character The Formaldehyde Man, it is a copyrighted character that I own as the designer and creator. I don't mean to cramp your style but as an artist, writer, and publisher yourself, you understand the notion of ownership regarding original material. You need licensing to appropriate a copyrighted image or character. A copyright which I own and have not licensed or relinquished to anyone.
So, please enjoy the character as he was intended and if you need to see more of The Formaldehyde Man, THEFORMALDEHYDEMAN.COM will be up soon, and why work with someone else to create a figure when it already exists, again created by the creator.
You can reach me directly at: tksmithart@comcast.net
Sincerely, Tyler Smith"

Now, I figured that I could just message him back on his MySpace account, right? Right! Yeah, then I got this little missive;

"Yea, did you ask Tyler Smith? That is my dad, a.k.a. the person who originally wrote this message. He doesn't have a Myspace so he signed onto mine to e-mail you. He told you to talk to him at tksmithart@comcast.net
Let me re-iterate myself clearly. I am Aaron Smith, Tyler Smith's son. He is the owner of the Formaldehyde man. He saw on a blog that someone was making an action figure of the Formaldehyde man on a blog and he signed onto my myspace to reach you because he doesn't have a Myspace.
Sincerely,
Aaron Smith"

So, the guy misrepresents himself, acting like this is his account when, in fact, it belongs to his young son. Way to go, Daddy-O.
I washed my hands of the whole thing and told the younger Smith words to that effect. I wanted no part of this.

Then he messaged me again;


"But why would you just give up hope on something so great? At the sign of one obstacle you just turn around and go home? I think you should do it. Just consult my dad first.
Sincerely,
Aaron"

I told him to go ahead and ask his dad for me. I was, at this point, done with the entire thing. I told him that we would make the figure, attribute it to his father, mention it in the packaging and send him one when it was done.

Then I got this message, again from the father using his son's MySpace again;

'Hi Doug,
It's Sept 30, my 14 year old son is now just telling me for the first time of your mails back and forth. I wrote you originally and left my address . I don't have a my space so he let me use his to contact you.
Please, write me directly to discuss this, not him, so I don't have to use his spacebook.
tksmithart@comcast.net
Tyler Smith'

Now, you see where he mentions that his son told him of all the emails and the ideas that I had, right? Okay, so I bit the bullet and asked Tyler Smith if he had any pictures of the back of the creature to help my sculptor friend out with the design. Sounds like something reasonable, right? You know, get the ball rolling, get the figure done and out into the public eye. Make some money for every interested party on a monster that has seen light since 1983!?!?
TWENTY-SIX FRIGGIN YEARS and an idea that I conceived that would do nothing but give the film and the creators more exposure. Limited edition figures are very collectible and there are plenty of people who would shell out some serious bank for a monster that has not been utilized for TWENTY-SIX YEARS!!!

Here's the response that I got;

"Hi Doug,
Just for the record, Douglas Waltz has never contacted me directly until the above mail. My help has never been directly requested, nor have I ever offered my help in this matter.
Regardless of how long the Formaldehyde Man from GEEK MAGGOT BINGO has been around and how "entitled" you might think you are, Nick and I own the sole rights to any and all material in Geek Maggot Bingo.
I spoke with Nick, you made no mention of a sculpture. He did not issue authorization for the use of the rights to the Formaldehyde Man in a sculpture. Nor did he consult me regarding any of your communications.
Again, as stated before, for the record, I have not authorized or relinquished to you or anyone, the rights to use any images and characters related to the Formaldehyde Man, which I own the rights to. For you to proceed, you do so at your own risk, knowing that you are in violation of an existing copyright, and totally and flagrantly disregarding my wishes.
In light of your last e-mail, where you have made it clear you intend on proceeding, without at least one direct communication with me expressing your intent, again in direct opposition to my stated position regarding the rights to The Formaldehyde Man, I'm interpreting your stand on this matter as hostel and one of non-compliance.
This is my last correspondence.

Sincerely,
Tyler Smith"

Let's go ahead and dissect this missive shall we?
I never said I was 'entitled' to use The Formaldehyde Man.
Direct contact was made through the original format (MySpace) that you utilized.
I never mentioned a sculpture to Nick Zedd, that is true. BECAUSE WE'RE MAKING AN INACTION FIGURE!!!!!!! Completely different and I actually was still visualizing the idea when I last corresponded with Nick. The plan was to make a prototype, present it all concerned parties and go from there. Then the MySpace fiasco began.
The phrase 'I intend on proceeding' has no merit. I told the son more than once that I was done with the ridiculous situation and had no intention of proceeding, makes this statement false. It was the son's prodding that had me reach out to Mr. Smith in the first place.
You misspelled 'Hostile'.
The only good thing that has come from this is that Mr. Smith has promised that this will be his last correspondence.
GREAT!
Now, I won't have to put up with incessant whining from his son, with out and out lies in emails from the father and I never have to worry about this again. So, MR. Smith can let his creation sit in his storage unit and rot into oblivion where nothing will ever come of it. I mean really, he's had twenty-six years and what has been done with this creature? One movie. That's it. No more no less.
It's a shame because The Formaldehyde Man is a great movie monster and could use some positive press.
Now, to The Formaldehyde Man directly;
Dear Formaldehyde Man,

I had such grand plans for your relaunch. I in no way blame you for the horrible behavior of your creator. Maybe he will see his selfish ways for what they are and he will reconsider. The above email makes that very unlikely and that's a shame. Stay strong Formaldehyde Man. At least we have Geek Maggot Bingo together. NO one can take that away from us.
Sincerely,
Douglas Waltz
Your Number One Fan.

Oh, and that little blurb at the top? I had intended putting a picture of the magnificent Formaldehyde Man for the world to see.
The hassle isn't worth it.

(The above article is copyright 2009. All Rights Reserved. Any reproduction of any of the original work is prohibited unless permission is given by the author. This includes review of the aforementioned work as well as satire of the above. Violators will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.)

THE BLOODY APE (1997)

A couple of weeks back I attended the October Cinema Wasteland Show. While I was there I walked by a table for Wild Eye Releasing. I had reviewed their release of GOTHKILL, which I thought was very well done and I mentioned it to the man behind the table. He asked me if I had seen their other flicks And I thought I had seen BLITZKRIEG:ESCAPE FROM STALAG 69, but I was mistaken.
Then I saw the cover for THE BLOODY APE. I had to have this.
After coming home from the convention this was the first thing I put in the DVD player.
I couldn't have been happier.



THE BLOODY APE (a.k.a. Son Of Sweetback Vs. Kong.) is a throwback to the classic, zero budget trash of the late 60's and early 70's. And well it should be. Film maker Keith J. Crocker was insane enough to shoot the damned thing on 8mm!! Sure the flick is twelve years old, but 8mm was dead waaaaaay before 1997. And how he manages to capture that feel on such a low budget is beyond me. He makes it look like he transported himself back in time and shot the film and then brought it back here with him. The scenery looks legit, the interiors look legit. Crocker even manages to get some of those horrid shots with huge shadows because the film makers didn't know
how to light the damned shot.



There is only one thing that kills the illusion and that's the scene at the video store. No way there should have been a video store in this flick, but what can I say? At least it was VHS.



So, what is THE BLOODY APE about? It's a demented twist on the Poe Classic Murders In The Rue Morgue like you've never seen it. When a carnival barker releases his 400 pound gorilla on the city it isn't long before the blood and gore is flying. From hippies trying to piss on a bush to women who uses banana scented soap, no one can escape the wrath of THE BLOODY APE!!! THE BLOODY APE even manages to get a little frisky with one of the numerous lovely ladies who populate this film. Yeesh!



In the end, film maker Keith J. Crocker is bringing us untold stories of the grindhouse/drive-in days and I personally, can't wait to see the next one.
Congratulations to Wild Eye Releasing for getting this out to the people. Please support this company in all their endeavors. I would recommend buying directly from the distributor in this particular instance so they can continue releasing such quality fare.

HALLOWEENNIGHT (2009)

I normally don't do this, but this time I think that it's important. See, the new Polonia Brothers flick is out and available immediately through their website. This is the first Polonia flick since John Polonia passed away in 2008.
I checked out the trailer and will give a review of the flick after I buy it next week, but I thought it was important to get sales rocking on this now. You see, Mark has decided to make the film available exclusively on their website.
Go check out the trailer, bask in its awesomeness and buy the friggin movie already!

Here's the press release;

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
POLONIA BROS. ENTERTAINMENT UNLEASES HALLOWEENIGHT
New Film Being Self-Distributed By The Shot-On-Video Pioneers
Wellsboro, PA October 8, 2009 - Polonia Bros. Entertainment's latest motion picture HALLOWEENIGHT will be released on DVD on October 8th, 2009. This film is written and directed by Mark Polonia (Splatter Beach, Feeders) based on a story by the late John Polonia (1968-2008). It was produced by the late Matthew Satterly (1968 - 2009) and features cinematography and special effects by Brett Piper (Shock O Rama). This film is a milestone event for Polonia Bros. Entertainment (PBE) and Cinegraphic Productions LLC, a subsidiary of PBE, for several reasons. It is the first PBE film produced after the sudden passing of John Polonia in February of 2008, although John did write the original story, and the film was produced as a tribute and honor to his memory. It also features the final performance of Matt Satterly, longtime PBE collaborator and friend. Matt both produced and starred in the film. Matt passed away unexpectedly this spring while the film was still in the editing stage. The movie is being manufactured and distributed entirely in-house by Cinegraphic Productions and Polonia Bros. Entertainment. It will be sold directly to consumers on the official movie website – www.halloweennightmovie.com . Every part of it's production and release including the copying and assembling of the DVD's themselves are being handled by PBE.
Shot during the Summer of 2008 in Wellsboro Pennsylvania, it is the 31st feature-length movie produced by PBE.
Mark Polonia said: "HalloweeNight is the culmination of many talented people putting forth their best efforts to make this film as good as can possibly be. It was produced, first and foremost, to honor the memory of John Polonia who tragically passed away as Pre-Production began. Sadly, after the film was finished, the Producer, Matt Satterly, also passed away. Ironically, this film is a feature length version of some super-8 shorts we made in high school, so it really fills a bookend in our film careers. Both John and Matt were in the original. I only wish they could have seen the transformation the entire project culminated in, from that early teenage movie, to this DVD, now finished.”

Here's the website:

HALLOWEENIGHT

Here's the trailer:



And is that poster sweet or what? Now go buy the movie!!!!!

DIRTBAGS (2009)

One of the many films I caught this weekend deserves it's own little review here in Divine Exploitation. I am, of course, referring to Bill Zebub's DIRTBAGS. Being a big fan of his THE WORST HORROR MOVIE EVER MADE, the original version, not the remake, I was ready for more of the insanity of Bill's. Now, I am not one of his rabid fans. When he gets it right, like the aforementioned THE WORST HORROR MOVIE EVER MADE, then it is exquisite bliss. When it doesn't work for me in things like KILL THE SCREAM QUEEN, then it doesn't work for me at all.
That being said, DIRTBAGS is magnificent. Unapologetic in it's political incorrectness, DIRTBAGS takes the web based formula of telling a story. Where stories intersect, run off on their own and come back to intersect with other plotlines that run rampant throughout the film. It's about people running through their lives and showing how they interconnect.



Sounds kind of deep, but it's hilarious. You have Bill trying to get it on with his study buddy from school. There's the guy who can't leave his house because he's allergic to bees. There's the chemist who is brewing up all sorts of recreational chemicals for people from high grade LSD to poison to get rid of Bill. Oh yeah, did I mention that the study buddy had a jealous boyfriend? well, he does. Sprinkle in a raging gay pizza delivery boy and a weird health club owner and it keeps getting more bizarre. And I didn't even mention the gorgeous creature who watches our dimension from afar like we are experiments in a rat cage.
This is a remake of the original DIRTBAGS, but since I saw it first I might just count this one as the go to version. Bill Zebub seems to think that would be a good idea so, I'm all for it.
As is the case with all Bill Zebub movies, this flick is filled with gorgeous women from the wilds of New Jersey.
Oh and there's this bootleg video that makes appearances in the film that is nothing but women being crucified topless. Not really crucified, just tied to trees in a crucifixion style. The movie is full of that. Why? Why the Hell not.
Another classic from the lovely, twisted brain of Bill Zebub.

Cinema Wasteland: The Wrap Up!

So, I have missed yet another deadline so I propose the following;
Sometime this month I will do a double feature review and that will take care of it. Sound good? Great! Let's continue shall we?
So, I woke up feeling pretty good for having consumed about twenty beers over the course of Saturday. We hit the free continental breakfast and ate tons of food to get through the drive home. Checked out of the room and headed over to the con. I said goodbye to everyone and had a mini interview with Bill Zebub. I asked him one question.

Bill, how do you get so many women to get naked in your movies.
His answer was genius;

I pay them.
Apparently a lot of places either pay the women shit or nothing at all. Bill pays them well and is upfront and honest with them. This was a great answer.
Later today I will post convention pictures. I didn't take a lot of them but I got some good ones.

Seeya all tomorrow.

One last thing.

If you have never been to a Cinema Wasteland, I highly recommend it. A great atmosphere, cool guests and some amazing merchandise available. A good time guaranteed.

Cinema Wasteland Day Two

My good friend Denis Sheenan has this thing he writes called Train Wreckard. It's his exploits when he walks down to the local bar. Uncensored and brutally honest.
I'm goling to try the same thing here with a quick outline of what I did today.
Woke up and had huge free breakfast. Went and saw the Cuzin of Ghastlee show. Funny stuff.
Watched a documentary about William Grefe and his production of the film Stanley.
Watched Bill Zebub's Dirtbags and it was truly hilarious.
Drank lot of Blatz beer
Met lots and lots of people.
Participated in a trivia contest in front of a huge crowd and came in second. Got a Thriller t shirt for Martha. Watched Henrique Couto do amazing things with a ukelele. A girl in the audience flashed the crowd. She had lovely boobs.
Had some fantastic pizza.
Hung out with Bill Zebub for a lot of the night. Got to chat up 42nd Street Pete.
There was a panel with Jamie Gillis, Lynn Lowry, William Grefe, 42nd Street Pete, Todd Sheets and it had some of the b est strories I have ever heard. Thankfully, I had the foresight to tape the thing.
All in all, a really great night and a lot of fun. Tomorrow it will be time to go home. This has been quite a lot of fun. Can't wait untilnext year.
Sleep time now.
Good night.

Cinema Wasteland Day One

First, off, my apologies. I said that I would be updating everyday and I missed yesterday. It was a lot of hectic with the four hour drive to Strongsville, checking in, locating beer and whatnot. The liquor store did have my Blatz beer. I'm pretty happy with how it tastes. Christopher and I did the beer tasting and that was yummy.
At the convention the first people to greet us was Amy and Mike. It wouldn't be a Wasteland without the two of them being right there in the front of the dealer room.
I met lots and lots of people. A couple of people gave me free flicks to check out and review. Very cool. Chris Seaver was there and I got a copy of his new flick, Twatlight. Can't wait to watch that one.
I sat in on a panel with Martine Beswick and Caroline Munroe, two very classy ladies that I could listen to forever.
Ran into Lloyd Kaufman, J.R. Bookwalter, Todd Sheets and many,many more.
I even made conversation with John Russo and managed not to punch him in the face so, my wife will be happy with me.
Okay, that's it for today I'll be back later tonight to make up for missing yesterday.
Seeya folks.

September Watches

Okay, here we go with a month of posts and my first one is a list of flicks that I watched in September. It's a thing that a lot of the guys over at my second home, Eurotrash Paradise, do and I thought it would be fun. Now, I don't normally assign number ratings on a scale of one to ten on movies, but that's part of the tradition over there. So, in no particular order, here are the flicks I watched last month;

THE SWITCH 5
ODDBALLS 5
FANTABULOUS INC. 7
MAD DOCTOR OF BLOOD ISLAND 7
DEEP THROAT II 4
BRIDES OF BLOOD 7
THE HOT CHICK 5
BRUCE LEE VS. THE SHOALIN BRONZEMEN 6
THE TORTURE CHAMBER OF DR. SADISM 7
COMING TO AMERICA 7
IN THE NAME OF THE KING:DUNGEON SIEGE 6
OBSERVE AND REPORT 10
A VIRGIN AMONG THE LIVING DEAD 8 (Now, I would like to note that this is a Japanese import of the film that I have never seen and it was quite interesting. Look for a full report this month)
I SPIT CHEW ON YOUR GRAVE 8
NOBODY'S BABY 6
TOKYO 7
EDGES OF DARKNESS 3
REEL ZOMBIES 6
MADMAN MARZ 5
ALL THE LOVE YOU CANNES 8
THE OUTER DOOR 4
LIVE ANIMALS 4
SLEDGE HAMMER 6
CLASS REUNION MASSACRE 7

Okay, there's the list. Here's a little audio visual weirdness to help keep you going throughout the day: