MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

I leave you with this;

RED STATE (2011)

I have watched the trailer for Red State.
Let me say this;
I love Kevin Smith movies.
I love
CLERKS
MALLRATS
DOGMA
CLERKS 2
JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK
CHASING AMY
JERSEY GIRL
That's right, I loves me some JERSEY GIRL, got a problem with that?
Then came ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO.
Didn't like it. Seemed unfinished and thin as Hell.
Never watched COPOUT.
Now I have seen the trailer for RED STATE.
Yeah, gonna have to pass on that as well.
I miss my funny Kevin Smith.
IF anyone sees him could you tell him that I miss him and wish he would make more funny movies.
Thanks.
I'm going to go watch CLERKS again.

ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES (1983)

I have no idea why I decided to watch this flick. There are multiples web sites warning you that this is a bad movie. I've seen bad movies.

This ain't one of them.

Sure, there is a little padding of the people walking around the island, but I am getting ahead of myself.

First, the plot.

Seems a cruise ship goes down in the ocean in 1920. A lifeboat makes it to an island in the North Atlantic. Why the North Atlantic. I could tell because of the greenery, but I'm sure that it had something to do with it being a low budget flick and everyone lived in Connecticut.

There is one wounded guy who becomes monster chowder pretty early on.

I mentioned the monsters, right?

No, well they are bright red, have white eyes and are eight inches tall. That's right. Eight INCHES. But these little buggers can run like the dickens, have sharp teeth and there are hundreds of them. Add to that the fact that the island has a couple of pools of water that look inviting but are filled with flesh liquefying acid. Yeah, things start looking pretty dire for our folks.

I think that the puppetry in this film was some of the best I have seen with what they were working with. It is awesome to see these little guys leap and run and bite the Hell out of these poor souls. It's a lot of walking, getting attacked, rinse, repeat. But you know what? I'm pretty sure that's what would happen with a boat full of people on an island with some murderous little sumbitches.

ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES might well be the best island full of monsters movie ever made in Connecticut. Heck, maybe even THE WORLD!!!

Attack of the Beast Creatures

Summer Fun Double Feature

So, I watched Meatballs the other day. I'm a big fan of the teen/camp flicks and watch a lot of them. I decided to watch one I had never seen before and one that I remember from my youth.

First up is WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER. I thought I would have it made with this flick. I like Janeane Garafolo. Elizabeth Banks is pretty. Paul Rudd is funny. This was a win win situation, right?
Yeah, not so much.
It takes place on the last day of camp in 1981. The objective is to hook up if you haven't had the chance for one last summer fling. Also, a piece of Skylab is headed straight for the camp. Pretty basic plot which, if done correctly, can make for a million laughs.
This one not so much. A lot of it just felt flat and boring. Unfunny abounds. Plus, where is the naked??? IF it's supposed to be a raunchy teen camp comedy then there had better be some damned boobies. Yeah, none.



















This worried me as I plugged in a blast from the past.
PINBALL SUMMER also known as PICK UP SUMMER.

I saw this film as the first half of a double feature at The Portage Drive-In. The second feature was SWITCHBLADE SISTERS and any double feature with that in the line up is going to be burnt into your brain. I found a copy under the title of PICK UP SUMMER and thought it would be fun to see how I remembered it.
PINBALL SUMMER follows the adventures of Greg (Michael Zelniker) and Steve (Carl Marotte). School is over and it's time to cut loose, have some fun, chase girls and win a pinball tournament. The girls are sisters Donna (Karen Stephen) and Suzy (Helene Udy) and they like giving the boys a hard time. Add in a tiny motorcycle gang led by Bert (Thomas Kovacs) and you have the recipe for a fun little film.
The movie exudes small town. Shot in Canada it looks significantly different than they plethora of teen comedies that live on the California Sands. You feel like you are in this little town, sharing madcap adventures with the cast of characters.

To be honest, there are two scenes that replay in my head after seeing the film once. And they were stuck in there for decades. One is the group of teens driving in a vehicle with the pinball trophy. Check. That looks exactly like I remembered it so that synapse is still functioning properly.
Then there is a party at the girl's house where they play strip pinball. The hot girl in the film, Sally (Joy Boushel) in a leopard print bikini is playing the pinball machine topless. I still see the memory in my mind. rewatching the film showed me how much teenage hormones can affect memory. I recalled her having much bigger breasts. Don't get me wrong, they are magnificent, but I just added a couple of cup sizes.

In the end the kids win the tournament. The girl becomes Miss Pinball and all is right in this little world.
This is what I would call a good, solid film in the teen comedy genre. There's your goofy antics, tons of gorgeous girls, nudity, wacky characters and some sweet pinball machines.
Speaking of pinball machines;
The end of the film with the tournament has the two players, Bert and Greg, playing a machine that is modeled after the movie. It has the title of the movie on it and the kids from the movie are on the machine!
What kind of bizarro world stuff is that? Beats me, but it just adds to the fun as far as I'm concerned.

So, while WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER was a monumental failure, PINBALL SUMMER was all that I remembered and more.
Now, excuse me I'm gonna go watch it again.


 


  

THE BEACH GIRLS AND THE MONSTER (1965)

I think I watched it because I had just watched The Monster And The Stripper and I wanted to see if the Beach Girls fared any better. A black and white low budgeter from the 60's directed by Jon Hall and filled with surfers, dancing girls and tunes by Frank Sinatra Jr.
I thought the monster was cool and towards the end I got what the twist was going to be. I'm not going to spoil it for you if you haven't seen it.
The thing that made the biggest impact on me was the professor's house. My God! It was big, beautiful and ultra cool. Huge rooms, a giant fireplace and the bar! My God, the bar! It had more glassware than an Applebee's and you knew that every liquor known to mankind was in that thing.
That is the house for me.
This was definitely a fun little flick that I can see myself watching again even though I know the ending.

THE MONSTER AND THE STRIPPER (1968)

Also known as The Exotic Ones, this is one of the Ormonds classics. Who are The Ormonds you may ask? The husband and wife team of Ron and June made pictures that would amaze and shock you, but none more than this little epic.

Seems there's this strip club in New Orleans called Nemo's. Nemo's has the best strippers in town and everyone knows it. But, the place ain't making no dough. That's when they get the idea of going into the swamps to capture this swamp creature that is tearing up the locals and their livestock. They hire a local named Tim to help them and they get the beast into the club.

All good things must come to an end when the beast escapes.

Sounds a little like King Kong doesn't it? Yeah, then The Ormond touch comes along and gives you things you would never believe. Their headliner stripper Titania is a flexible, fire eating force of nature kind of girl and she isn't real happy with the new talent that Nemo has hired. The Monster isn't real fond of Titania either and lets her know it when he finally escapes.

For a flick made in the 60's this one takes gore to a pretty good level. You see a man get his arm ripped off and beaten to death with it. Titania loses a boob in a bloody mess. Nemo gets his head crushed. There is also a gutted and decapitated calf and The Mosnter rips a chicken to shreds, but neither of those are special effects. The chicken death hearkens back to the carnival geek days and is pretty gruesome.
The beginning and end of the film shows New Orleans with a narrator that sounds like it could have come from a Russ Meyer flick.
Throw in loads of bottom heavy girls with pasties. A really great cat fight and a man playing the biggest harmonica I have ever seen and you know that you are dealing with a classic of cinema.
THE MONSTER AND THE STRIPPER is a must see for any true fan of exploitation cinema. Either watch it or we take away your film lovers card!

Franco Friday! Dark Mission (1988)

Over at the Yahoo! Group Eurotrash Paradise there are those of us who loves us some European Trashy flicks. The master of these is, of course, Jess Franco. It was recently decided that we would transform Fridays into Franco Fridays! The rules are simple;
On Friday, watch a Jess Franco film.
I decided on something I hadn't seen before to start the tradition.
I talking about Dark Mission.

When most people think Of Jess Franco they think sleazy little films with an abundance of female nudity. And, while there are lots of those, Dark Mission is not one of their number.
In this one we get a secret agent sent to Central America to get the scoop on this revolutionary who might be a big drug runner. Along the way the agent runs into a lovely girl who happens to be the daughter of the aforementioned revolutionary.

Using his cover as a reporter from Detroit, our agent gets the story of how drugs are ruining the lives of children everywhere. There is a scene at a hospital of sorts where people are walking around twitching in the throes of drug dependency. A little heavy handed, but we get what he's trying to do with this.

Christopher Mitchum (son of Robert Mitchum) does a great job as the secret agent. In the beginning of the flick he's being berated by his superior for being a drunk and a womanizer. Then he's accused of letting secrets slip. He blames a woman who gave him a drink with drugs in it.
Hilarious!

Having watched a lot of Franco's lower budgeted films it was nice to see helicopters and explosions and cars going over cliffs. In addition there is Christopher Lee and Brigette Lahaie both doing a magnificent job. Lahaie gives us the one titillating scene in a string bikini, but other than that the film is pretty chaste.
Franco has done his fair share of spy thrillers so I think I might keep with that genre for a while.

Cleaning my Closet

I decided to attack the closet in our bedroom. I found many things including my cassette tapes of Liquid Sky and Camper Beethoven. I also found a lot of VHS tapes.
This is what I found, in no particular order;
THE SCREAMING DEAD
BLOODY CASTLE
REVENGE IN THE HOUSE OF USHER
MONSTER DOG
CRIME WAVE (NOT THE RAIMI FILM)
MICROWAVE MASSACRE
LOST IN SPACE PILOT
BLACK FLAG
ZOMBIE CULT MASSACRE
SPINTANEOUS HEALING WITH ANDREW WEIL
RETURN OF THE CHINESE KICKBOXER
BOB ROBERTS
RALPH BAKSHI'S STREET FIGHT
DEATH WEEKEND
JANE'S ADDICTION
FRANKENSTEIN CREATED WOMAN
HELL SQUAD
INVASION OF THE BLOOD FARMERS
CARWASH
HARD BOILED
THE PRODIGY
TRACKS
BARBARIAN QUEEN 2
CREEPOZOIDS
HELTER SKELTER (FRANCO)
BROKEN DOLLS (FRANCO)
ABRAXAS
PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE
RUNNING TIME
REALLY WEIRD TALES
JOE BOB BRIGGS DEAD IN CONCERT
DR. STRANGELOVE
GONE IN 60 SECONDS (THE ORIGINAL)
DUNE
DR. SHOCK'S TALES OF TERROR
THE KILL FACTOR
THE OUTER LIMITS: THE INVISIBLES
                                     KEEPER OF THE PURPLE TWILIGHT
                                     CORPUS EARTHLING
                                     A FEASIBILITY STUDY
MOTHER LODE
THE BURBS
GUNFIRE
BEST OF BLONDIE
THE DEADLY COMPANIONS
THE KILLER
CLEOPATRA (DEMILLE)
DIVINE TRASH
10000 MANIACS: TIME CAPSULE
DUDES
STAR CRYSTAL
TO KILL A STRANGER
THE BLOOD SPATTERED BRIDE
PRINCESS TAM TAM
TENEBRE
BILL HICKS; SANE MAN
SPACE THING
ERIC BOGOSIAN: FUNHOUSE
THE BEST OF THE CUTTING EDGE VOL. 2
SALT IN THE WOUND
LIVE FROM WASHINGTON, IT'S DENNIS MILLER
BEHIND THE SCENES WITH GOLDFINGER AND THUNDERBALL
And this doesn;t even begin to count the many tapes that are just stuff taped off of television. Oh, and I hae a huge box of them in the storage shed as well.
Sheesh! 

Sasquatch Showers

  So, I have recently been Sasquatch obsessed. when my buddy Dan Taylor reviewed Assault Of The Sasquatch I knew that I would have to watch it. It was good.
But...
As I was watching it it got to this scene where a girl is getting ready for the shower and then the Sasquatch creeps in and terrible things happen. In this instance it happens to her yappy dog, but you know what I mean.
The whole thing felt familiar.
I recalled The Polonia Bros. feature Among Us. Sure enough there was a Sasquatch with a girl in a shower sequence.
Hmmm, the plot thickens.
Yesterday I watched Abominable and sure enough a scene with a Sasquatch attacking a girl in the shower.
Abominable ws the one that made it click for me. Usually when a girl, or even a guy for that matter, take a bath they use soap, shampoo and other smelly things. In all three cases we have a Sasquatch which is believed to be nocturnal. They rely on senses like smell and hearing to navigate through their nightly routine. It seems that the barrage of strong odors that would emanate from a shower would drive a Sasquatch in the opposite direction.


Or, the film makers are thinking; We could really use some tits to sell this flick. Have the monster attack the girl in the shower. For all three flicks The Polonias did it first so they get the credit for the concept. Of course since it is The Polonias they are the only one to do it nude free. Go figure.
I have included clips from two of the three movies to illustrate what I am talking about here. I couldn't do the Abominable clip because the lovely and talented Ms. Tiffany Shepis has a horrible time in films keeping her clothes on for any length of time.





And one last thing:





Why does the monster in Abominable look like Jack Elam?

 

ACTIONGIRLS!!!

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MASSACRE IN DINOSAUR VALLEY (1985)

I have no idea why I never got around to watching this. all I can say now is that I'm glad that it's something that has been registered by my brain. Directed by Michele Massimo Tarantini who's work I am familiar with, this is a wonderfully trashy flick without a single dinosaur in it.

Apparently there are a group of people on their way by plane to another South American city. They pay off the pilot to take them to the mysterious Dinosaur Valley.

That's right, I'm the tough guy.

Yeah, then the plane crashes, the environment is less than hospitable and the natives are looking at them as a new menu item. So, it's time to hit the trail with a grizzled old Vietnam vet, his worthless wife, a photographer, a couple of models and the daughter of a famous paleontologist. Yeah, the famous paleontologist didn't survive the crash. His death scene is actually a little funny. The vet and our main man Kevin (Michael Spokiw of  2019: After The Fall of New York) are arguing about taking care of the old man and he's making these bizarre faces and then he dies so they stop arguing.

I think you're squeezing his head too tight

Managing to escape the natives they think they arrive in civilization, but it's an emerald mine ran by a low life who wants the girls for himself. Out of the frying pan and into the fire so to speak.

It becomes a different kind of survival when Kevin has to go against the sleazy characters that run the mine and keep his and the girls' hides intact.

HELLO!

This was one of those movies I ran across and thought it would be interested. Then the copy of the flick just laid around for a while. Today I looked at it and said, Why Not? Glad I decided to do that. This flick gives you the rugged adventurer getting into one predicament after another. There are pretty naked girls in abundance. A really cool shot of a guy who has his leg gnawed off by piranhas and so much more. Bizarre natives, alligators, emeralds, greasy mercenaries. Did I mention the pretty girls. Well, there you go.

OUCH!

MASSACRE IN DINOSAUR VALLEY is one of those cool flicks that came out of the Italian explosion in the 80's.
Very cool.

That is gonna leave a mark.

MOVIE HOUSE MASSACRE 1984

Also known as Blood Theater, this is the film that started the career of Rick Sloane, the man who gave us Hobgoblins and six installments of Vice Squad films.
This is his first flick and it shows. Man, does it show!



What size popcorn did you want??



So, it begins with a movie theater and this one guy finds his girlfirend hanging out with another guy. He sets film on fire and leaves them to burn. He stabs the ticket girl and sets her ablaze as well. Everyone dies and the place is considered haunted. Whenever an attempt is made to reopen the place, someone dies.

Fast forward to the present day (read, the '80s) and the Spotlite theater complex has it's eyes on the theater. The manager sends a few kids over to clean the place up and get it ready for opening day.

Small problem, there's this guy walking around that offs anybody that comes within reach of the place.

I'm going to need to see your ticket.

The movie is more than a little confusing. You are never sure if the guy whacking people is real or not. There are definitely supernatural overtones in the flick, but if he's supernatural then why does he get offed at the end with a knife. And really offed. Not a jump scare to make you think there might be a sequel.

The acting, with the exception of Mary Woronov, is atrocious. The editing looks like it was done with a machete.

In other words, I had a lot of fun with this flick. It never tries to be more than what it is, a slasher flick. The basic concept, while thin, supports the time of the movie. The theater they use is gorgeous.

And there's that other thing;

Just after this, the phone melts into white goo!

There are a few stabbing deaths in the flick. The girls actually mange to convey a realistic sense of horror while being murdered and it's never overdone with fountains of gore. Even the decapitation scene...let's just say that I've seen worse.

Where do I get one of those cool radios she's holding?

Judging it on nothing more than one of the parade of slasher films that were released in the 80's, this one works on a crude level. The Spotlite theater is one continuous audio joke. They have a series of announcements that constantly play in the theater that just hit my funny bone.

I said no ticket, no seat!

This was a lot of fun. 

CIRCLE 2010

 So, there’s this sociopath by the name of James Bennett (Sila Weir Mitchell, who was excellent as Haywire in the Prison Break television series. He manages to get out of a high security prison with dead bodies in his wake. He’s headed home.
This is bad for a group of students that are studying his home turf for a thesis they are working on.
Yeah, you can see how this is going to roll, don’t you?
This comes across as a new kind of grindhouse kind of flick. One of those filled with gore, psychos and really cute ladies. Titillation at many levels.
Mitchell was one of my favorite parts of Prison Break, of which I was one of those huge fans. I thought he did very well in that role. He brings that kind of intensity turned up to eleven for the roll of Bennett.
For me the reason to watch this was America Olivo, one of my favorites from the flick Bitch Slap. She brings that vibe with her to this flick. Maybe not as severe, but she is definitely the one to watch in Circle.
The DVD has previews and a featurette.
CIRCLE delivers on everything and that is something to praise in a time where a lot of smaller budgeted films tend to cheat the viewer. Circle doesn’t make that mistake.

NIGHTMARE AT SHADOW WOODS A.K.A. BLOOD RAGE

I have no idea why I watched this flick. I think for no other reason than it was an 80's slasher flick and an unhealthy, nonsexual obsession with Louise Lasser.
So, there are these twin boys in the back of a station wagon at the drive in with their mom and her boyfriend. Mom (Louise Lasser) and the boy toy are soon necking and the boys are bored. They wander through the drive in and come across a hatchet in the back of a truck and then a couple making out. The evil twin, Terry, plants that sucker in the guy's head while he's getting a little action. Then he takes the hatchet, gives it to his brother Todd and wipes blood on him before screaming bloody murder. With this flimsy evidence, Todd is placed in an asylum.
Ten years later, it is Thanksgiving and Todd is starting to remember things. Things like he didn't kill anyone, but he knows who did.


I'm gonna need that machete back, Thanks!



Time to head home.

Mom and Terry are informed of Todd's escape and Terry is elated. Time to go on a killing spree and blame it on his twin brother! Joy!



Ding Dong! Machete Man is here!



For a slasher flick, this isn't bad. Plenty of T&A, plenty of gore. Louise Lasser brings her twitchy A game to the proceedings.

But there was something that stuck in my craw. and if you're unfamiliar with where your craw is located, make a comment and I'll be sure to post an answer. Anyway, the grown up version of Terry and Todd. I knew it was one actor, no big deal there. But why did he look so familiar/

I checked.



Well, never BBQ with this guy.



In the film The World According To Garp he's the college student that Robin Williams wife is fooling around with until she bites his dick off in the driveway.

Weird.



There's your naked for this column.



Anyway, the end of this movie is just a hoot and while we see it coming the characters don't and it has a great 80's feel to it.

One thing though. With all the holiday films released in the 80's, why not truss this one up like a Thanksgiving turkey and trot it out for people to watch. New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, Graduation Day, Halloween, April Fool's Day amongst a slew of others did alright for themselves. This one already had two titles going in, one more wouldn't hurt.



Louise Lasser in an award winning performance



Someone needs to find an original print, track down some actors and retitle this sucker Thanksgiving Day. Since Eli Roth isn't giving us his holiday shocker any time soon, it would be perfect.  

Blood Rage

Psycho Pumpkins

Happy Halloween!

BLOOD SUCKERS FROM OUTER SPACE (1984)

Every year, in the beginning of October I attend the best film convention ever. It's called Cinema Wasteland and if you've never been you should go. It is the most fun ever. So, I'm at the convention, checking out the guests and whatnot and there's this guy sitting at a table and he's selling a movie called Bloodsuckers From Outer Space. Great title and I've never heard of it. Apparently he made it in 1984 and is releasing it on DVD. I am a big fan of cheesy 80's flicks and Bloodsuckers From Outer Space looked to be no exception. The director, Glen Coburn, signed my DVD sleeve for me and I got a flick for 6 bucks. I figured I could gamble six bucks.

Best six bucks I ever spent.

The basic premise is this alien force that invades human bodies, forces them to expel all of their bodily fluids, possess the humans and then go around sucking the blood from other humans. The downer side is that if they kill you, you stay dead.

This small hick town in Texas is home to a facility called Research City. Government cuts have brought the scientists down to the bare minimum, but they have the coolest thing to study. Their head honcho has become possessed by one of the aliens and they are trying to figure out what makes him tick.

Meanwhile, newspaper photographer Jeff is starting to piece together what is happening. It doesn't hurt that he has to have a kung fu battle with his uncle who has been turned into a bloodsucker.

                                                                                

The interesting thing about this film is that it opens and closes with two magnificent cherry picker shots. Then the rest of the film is static shots. No zooms, no pans, nothing. Just static shots. And it works for this movie. You don't even realize it's happening until someone points it out to you.

The film is filled with wry humor, the characters are aware that they are in a film. They address the camera a few times and the best line is 'That incidental music sure is creepy.' Genius!
Add to that a rocking 80's theme song, a crazed general who just wants to nuke the problem and a bizarre cast of characters the likes of which you have never seen before in your life.

Bloodsuckers From Outer Space has that great, grainy feel to it that only comes from actual film, not video. The effects are the spray kind that permeated 80s flicks. And did I mention a Pat Paulsen cameo? Well, now I did.

There is a 24 year reunion of a lot of the cast and while it would have been cool to see the lead or his love interest make an appearance, this was still an informative half hour. Now if it just had a commentary it would have been perfect.

You're gonna want this movie as soon as possible.

This has my vote for best DVD release of the year.