Franco Friday! Dark Mission (1988)

Over at the Yahoo! Group Eurotrash Paradise there are those of us who loves us some European Trashy flicks. The master of these is, of course, Jess Franco. It was recently decided that we would transform Fridays into Franco Fridays! The rules are simple;
On Friday, watch a Jess Franco film.
I decided on something I hadn't seen before to start the tradition.
I talking about Dark Mission.

When most people think Of Jess Franco they think sleazy little films with an abundance of female nudity. And, while there are lots of those, Dark Mission is not one of their number.
In this one we get a secret agent sent to Central America to get the scoop on this revolutionary who might be a big drug runner. Along the way the agent runs into a lovely girl who happens to be the daughter of the aforementioned revolutionary.

Using his cover as a reporter from Detroit, our agent gets the story of how drugs are ruining the lives of children everywhere. There is a scene at a hospital of sorts where people are walking around twitching in the throes of drug dependency. A little heavy handed, but we get what he's trying to do with this.

Christopher Mitchum (son of Robert Mitchum) does a great job as the secret agent. In the beginning of the flick he's being berated by his superior for being a drunk and a womanizer. Then he's accused of letting secrets slip. He blames a woman who gave him a drink with drugs in it.
Hilarious!

Having watched a lot of Franco's lower budgeted films it was nice to see helicopters and explosions and cars going over cliffs. In addition there is Christopher Lee and Brigette Lahaie both doing a magnificent job. Lahaie gives us the one titillating scene in a string bikini, but other than that the film is pretty chaste.
Franco has done his fair share of spy thrillers so I think I might keep with that genre for a while.

Cleaning my Closet

I decided to attack the closet in our bedroom. I found many things including my cassette tapes of Liquid Sky and Camper Beethoven. I also found a lot of VHS tapes.
This is what I found, in no particular order;
THE SCREAMING DEAD
BLOODY CASTLE
REVENGE IN THE HOUSE OF USHER
MONSTER DOG
CRIME WAVE (NOT THE RAIMI FILM)
MICROWAVE MASSACRE
LOST IN SPACE PILOT
BLACK FLAG
ZOMBIE CULT MASSACRE
SPINTANEOUS HEALING WITH ANDREW WEIL
RETURN OF THE CHINESE KICKBOXER
BOB ROBERTS
RALPH BAKSHI'S STREET FIGHT
DEATH WEEKEND
JANE'S ADDICTION
FRANKENSTEIN CREATED WOMAN
HELL SQUAD
INVASION OF THE BLOOD FARMERS
CARWASH
HARD BOILED
THE PRODIGY
TRACKS
BARBARIAN QUEEN 2
CREEPOZOIDS
HELTER SKELTER (FRANCO)
BROKEN DOLLS (FRANCO)
ABRAXAS
PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE
RUNNING TIME
REALLY WEIRD TALES
JOE BOB BRIGGS DEAD IN CONCERT
DR. STRANGELOVE
GONE IN 60 SECONDS (THE ORIGINAL)
DUNE
DR. SHOCK'S TALES OF TERROR
THE KILL FACTOR
THE OUTER LIMITS: THE INVISIBLES
                                     KEEPER OF THE PURPLE TWILIGHT
                                     CORPUS EARTHLING
                                     A FEASIBILITY STUDY
MOTHER LODE
THE BURBS
GUNFIRE
BEST OF BLONDIE
THE DEADLY COMPANIONS
THE KILLER
CLEOPATRA (DEMILLE)
DIVINE TRASH
10000 MANIACS: TIME CAPSULE
DUDES
STAR CRYSTAL
TO KILL A STRANGER
THE BLOOD SPATTERED BRIDE
PRINCESS TAM TAM
TENEBRE
BILL HICKS; SANE MAN
SPACE THING
ERIC BOGOSIAN: FUNHOUSE
THE BEST OF THE CUTTING EDGE VOL. 2
SALT IN THE WOUND
LIVE FROM WASHINGTON, IT'S DENNIS MILLER
BEHIND THE SCENES WITH GOLDFINGER AND THUNDERBALL
And this doesn;t even begin to count the many tapes that are just stuff taped off of television. Oh, and I hae a huge box of them in the storage shed as well.
Sheesh! 

Sasquatch Showers

  So, I have recently been Sasquatch obsessed. when my buddy Dan Taylor reviewed Assault Of The Sasquatch I knew that I would have to watch it. It was good.
But...
As I was watching it it got to this scene where a girl is getting ready for the shower and then the Sasquatch creeps in and terrible things happen. In this instance it happens to her yappy dog, but you know what I mean.
The whole thing felt familiar.
I recalled The Polonia Bros. feature Among Us. Sure enough there was a Sasquatch with a girl in a shower sequence.
Hmmm, the plot thickens.
Yesterday I watched Abominable and sure enough a scene with a Sasquatch attacking a girl in the shower.
Abominable ws the one that made it click for me. Usually when a girl, or even a guy for that matter, take a bath they use soap, shampoo and other smelly things. In all three cases we have a Sasquatch which is believed to be nocturnal. They rely on senses like smell and hearing to navigate through their nightly routine. It seems that the barrage of strong odors that would emanate from a shower would drive a Sasquatch in the opposite direction.


Or, the film makers are thinking; We could really use some tits to sell this flick. Have the monster attack the girl in the shower. For all three flicks The Polonias did it first so they get the credit for the concept. Of course since it is The Polonias they are the only one to do it nude free. Go figure.
I have included clips from two of the three movies to illustrate what I am talking about here. I couldn't do the Abominable clip because the lovely and talented Ms. Tiffany Shepis has a horrible time in films keeping her clothes on for any length of time.





And one last thing:





Why does the monster in Abominable look like Jack Elam?

 

ACTIONGIRLS!!!

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MASSACRE IN DINOSAUR VALLEY (1985)

I have no idea why I never got around to watching this. all I can say now is that I'm glad that it's something that has been registered by my brain. Directed by Michele Massimo Tarantini who's work I am familiar with, this is a wonderfully trashy flick without a single dinosaur in it.

Apparently there are a group of people on their way by plane to another South American city. They pay off the pilot to take them to the mysterious Dinosaur Valley.

That's right, I'm the tough guy.

Yeah, then the plane crashes, the environment is less than hospitable and the natives are looking at them as a new menu item. So, it's time to hit the trail with a grizzled old Vietnam vet, his worthless wife, a photographer, a couple of models and the daughter of a famous paleontologist. Yeah, the famous paleontologist didn't survive the crash. His death scene is actually a little funny. The vet and our main man Kevin (Michael Spokiw of  2019: After The Fall of New York) are arguing about taking care of the old man and he's making these bizarre faces and then he dies so they stop arguing.

I think you're squeezing his head too tight

Managing to escape the natives they think they arrive in civilization, but it's an emerald mine ran by a low life who wants the girls for himself. Out of the frying pan and into the fire so to speak.

It becomes a different kind of survival when Kevin has to go against the sleazy characters that run the mine and keep his and the girls' hides intact.

HELLO!

This was one of those movies I ran across and thought it would be interested. Then the copy of the flick just laid around for a while. Today I looked at it and said, Why Not? Glad I decided to do that. This flick gives you the rugged adventurer getting into one predicament after another. There are pretty naked girls in abundance. A really cool shot of a guy who has his leg gnawed off by piranhas and so much more. Bizarre natives, alligators, emeralds, greasy mercenaries. Did I mention the pretty girls. Well, there you go.

OUCH!

MASSACRE IN DINOSAUR VALLEY is one of those cool flicks that came out of the Italian explosion in the 80's.
Very cool.

That is gonna leave a mark.

MOVIE HOUSE MASSACRE 1984

Also known as Blood Theater, this is the film that started the career of Rick Sloane, the man who gave us Hobgoblins and six installments of Vice Squad films.
This is his first flick and it shows. Man, does it show!



What size popcorn did you want??



So, it begins with a movie theater and this one guy finds his girlfirend hanging out with another guy. He sets film on fire and leaves them to burn. He stabs the ticket girl and sets her ablaze as well. Everyone dies and the place is considered haunted. Whenever an attempt is made to reopen the place, someone dies.

Fast forward to the present day (read, the '80s) and the Spotlite theater complex has it's eyes on the theater. The manager sends a few kids over to clean the place up and get it ready for opening day.

Small problem, there's this guy walking around that offs anybody that comes within reach of the place.

I'm going to need to see your ticket.

The movie is more than a little confusing. You are never sure if the guy whacking people is real or not. There are definitely supernatural overtones in the flick, but if he's supernatural then why does he get offed at the end with a knife. And really offed. Not a jump scare to make you think there might be a sequel.

The acting, with the exception of Mary Woronov, is atrocious. The editing looks like it was done with a machete.

In other words, I had a lot of fun with this flick. It never tries to be more than what it is, a slasher flick. The basic concept, while thin, supports the time of the movie. The theater they use is gorgeous.

And there's that other thing;

Just after this, the phone melts into white goo!

There are a few stabbing deaths in the flick. The girls actually mange to convey a realistic sense of horror while being murdered and it's never overdone with fountains of gore. Even the decapitation scene...let's just say that I've seen worse.

Where do I get one of those cool radios she's holding?

Judging it on nothing more than one of the parade of slasher films that were released in the 80's, this one works on a crude level. The Spotlite theater is one continuous audio joke. They have a series of announcements that constantly play in the theater that just hit my funny bone.

I said no ticket, no seat!

This was a lot of fun.