Saturday, April 16, 2011

SPLATTER UNIVERSITY (1984)


I warmed up to watching this by first watching Isabella Rosselini's series Green Porno. Great series. At least I had that going in to this mess.
First up, I am a very giving reviewer. I'm not going to bash you because of bad acting, bad effects or bad anything. But I expect you to follow the rules of what I consider to be a good slasher flick from the 80's.
1. It has to look like it was shot in some small town somewhere. He Knows You're Alone is a prime example of this as is the original My Bloody Valentine. This movie does a good job of that so, score 1.
2. Blood and/or guts. It's a slasher flick so I better see the red stuff. Any actual guts are just chunky icing on a gory cake. Again, this one has it in spades so, bravo another point for the flick.
3. Nudity. This is non negotiable. Remember the aforementioned He Knows You're Alone? Sure the nudity was on this chick who looked like a man with tits, but it counted. Man! She was ugly! This is where Splatter University fails. There are several girls in here that could have gotten naked for the camera. Even the red head with the giant afro mullet (don't ask) would have been acceptable. NO nudity equals a fail. You don't get best two out of three in this business.
As for the story we start out with a guy escaping from a mental institute. He stabs an orderly in the dick and steals his clothes.
Flash forward three years and a professor at the titular university gets stabbed in the tit and dies.
Our heroine is the replacement professor.
She shows up and people start dropping like flies and she might be next.
This film is the worst film that takes place at a school. The school should become a part of the narrative. In this it is just too forced and fails to work. The class room scenes are a joke.
And it's time for spoiler territory because I thought they missed a great ending. See the head padre of the school is the escaped dude from the hospital years before. I think it would have played better if the padre was the killer, but Mark, a secondary character/love interest was the escaped patient. That way, at the end when they confront one another instead of the lame, down ending we get we would receive and epic psycho killer battle at the end. They laid the groundwork during the film where it would have worked, but they left it.
So, while I loves me some slasher flick, this one leaves me cold.

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