MARTY JENKINS AND THE VAMPIRE BITCHES (2006)

Marty Jenkins (Shawn A. Green) has it all; a beautiful girlfriend, Sandy (Lisa Clarke), a great job at a video store and he lives in Dayton, Ohio.
One problem.
His girlfriend is dumping him, the other guy at the video store hates Marty's guts and Dayton, Ohio is about to get inundated with vampire bitches. No, really! Look at the title of the movie for crying out loud!
When Ginger (Plexi Starr) takes his best friend, Tyler McDonald (Henrique Couto) away from him and the others turn Sandy, Marty has no recourse. Especially since he runs over the vampire killer, Deacon Sloane (Nic Pesante), who was on his way to take care of the bloodsucker problem.
Now, armed with a black bag of weapons and some words of wisdom from vampire killer, Hummer (Bob Hinton), MArty must face off against these vampire bitches to avenge his friend, save the girl and try not to get any blood on his treasured sweater vest.
On the surface, MARTY JENKINS AND THE VAMPIRE BITCHES, is a horror comedy. Pure and simple. Director Henrique Couto brings his wacky form of humor to the film and it works.
But this movie is so much more than that. We are with Marty from his painful birth, through his break up with Sandy and the loss of his buddy, Tyler. To Marty, this is his own, tiny world. This is emphasized by the size of the video store he works in. It may be a vast warehouse of movies, but Couto makes it appear diminutive in size, creating an insular existence for Marty. The vampire bitches could have been any form of destructive change and it would have worked as the catalyst to force Marty to go through a change.
Tyler sees the vampire bitches as a way out of his miserable existence even though he's not ready for the vampiric change that occurs he seems to revel in his new found powers.
I want to mention Plexi Starr again in her role as Ginger. While she is probably not everyone's cup of tea I found her infinitely more attractive than the two blonde bimbos she was saddled with as her cohorts. Added to the fact that she was the only one willing to give us our boobie fix in the flick, I would have to say that she was my favorite part of the movie. That and the crazy, mumbling antics of Bob Hinton. He comes across as if Ernest P. Worrell had a drug addled brother. Excellent!

Now, for a Spoiler Alert. I'll place the trailer for the film here for you to watch and then the spoiler.










SPOILER ALERT! (You have been warned!Stew, this means you. Don't read any farther until after you watch it.)
At the end of the film Marty realizes that Sandy is a bitch and has no chance for redemption. He decides to save Ellen (River Watson) instead. In any traditional film this would have been Marty's in for some sweet loving. In Couto's universe, Ellen is grateful, but she's gonna bang the other guy at the video store instead. It ends the film on such a poignant, tragic note. Marty has saved Dayton and there is nothing for him at the end. No tangible reward.
This is how micro budget cinema needs to be and I'm glad to recommend this to anyone. Go find your copy today.
You'll be glad you did.

IRON SKY (2012)

Just saw the trailer for this one and, what can I say?
It blew me away. This is going to be the exploitation movie of the year.

Check out the trailer;

COFFEE RUN (2011)

The film opens with a quote by Mark Twain;
"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."
This rolls us into what can be best referred to as a greatest hits by Massachusetts film maker, Michael Legge.
Chris Qualm is a mild mannered writer of instruction manuals. He never has to leave his house. He has the paper delivered, the groceries delivered. Life is good for Chris Qualm. At least it seems that way to Chris. His sister has another word for it.
Agoraphobia.
And she wants him to seek out help. There is a psychiatrist with a radical new therapy called Sponge Therapy that literally soaks the psychosis from your mind and makes you better.
It doesn't do much for Dr. Ow, but it does give Chris a new lease on life. To prove it he decides to go out and buy his own coffee.
Worst mistake of his life.
In the span of a day he encounters aliens, androids, Nazis, secret agents and the evil Spiderwoman. He is caught up in intrigue the likes the world has never seen. All becuase he decided to make a...Coffee Run.
Now anyone who has read this blog long enough knows what a fan I am of Michael Legge. One of the true satirical geniuses of our time. And this time he has brought back charcaters from many of his films; Honey Glaze, Dash Hope and Spiderwoman with her sidekick The Creeper just to name a few.
This is a fun little film that tries to jam as much insanity into one movie to prove to us that everyone out there is crazy and sometimes it is a good thing to just stay at home and keep the insanity of the world at bay.
Legge is a comic treasure that continues to give us something to make us laugh and think, usually at the same time.
Coffee Run can be found at this LINK 

RED:WEREWOLF HUNTER (2010)

Want a plot synopsis? Fine! Felicia Day's character is part of a family that hunts werewolves and have something to do with Red Riding Hood. Oh and there's this new werewolf that doesn't need a full moon to raise some lycanthropic Hell.
I was so excited to see this. You get werewolves, Felicia Day is really cute. I went into this with a win-win kind of attitude. I wasn't even worried that it was a SyFy movie. I've seen some of those that are fun.
Yeah, not this one.
All I can figure is she needed the cash to finance another season of The Guild so, she's forgiven for that. But, the werewolves are the worst kind of crappy CGI. The acting is just bad. Ms. Day looks fine, but that's it. Oh and Stephen McHattie, who is good in lots of things sucked in this.
Basically, this is a huge pile of suck with a crappy ending. I think I'll stick with Reverend Jen Miller from now on for Geek Cute. She doesn't make crappy movies.

GODCHILDREN a.k.a. THE HAWAIIAN SPLIT (1971)

The flick opens with some raucous rock and a couple of fellas making a meeting to swap some drugs for cash. Then someone comes along and blows them both away and makes off with the goods. Head guy Felix Hampouyin (Tony Porta)is none too happy with this state of affairs and orders the man he believes to be the rat crushed in a garbage truck.
One problem.
He squashed the wrong rat.
Felix ups the ante with a fake delivery of goods to flush out the stink in his organization and sends hitman professional Keith (Elliott Lindsey) to find out what is what and kill anyone he questions.

It seems that pretty boy Johnny Canto (Jon Klemmer) has decided that 50 grand a year ain't enough. His girlfriend agrees and tells him to hijack the cash on the next shipment.
Of course this is the swinging seventies, baby so, the girl is crooked and reports back to Paul (Director Robert E. Pearson) where the goods will be.
But Felix is not a stupid man. He and his buyer in Hawaii have a system. The bagman delivers the goods. The buyer gives the bagman a suitcase full of cash and an explosive device that will blow the money and anyone who forces the case open sky high. The buyer mails the proper key to Felix and all is safe.
For anyone who knows that the case is rigged which is only Felix, the buyer and Johnny, there is no problem.

But so many people are after this case.
GODCHILDREN a.k.a. THE HAWAIIAN SPLIT was an attempt to capitalize on the popularity of The Godfather. You can see by the poster above what they were trying to do with the advertising campaign.
I personally thought that the alternate title was a better one, but I'll bet the original title got more butts in the seats for the time it was released.
While the print I saw was gritty, scratchy and beat to Hell it still had a weird, almost documentary feel to it. The people who die in the flick die dirty and bloody and there are a lot of them.

Now, for the Ushci Digard fans out there who will watch this for only one reason. She's not in it a lot. There's a scene where Johnny hooks up with this oddball character by the name of Bobby Lee O'Toole (John F. Goff) who has two lovely ladies in tow, Lady Chatterley (Kathy Hilton) and Lady Godiva (Rene Bond). They all go back to Bobby's place for much naked frolicking and have so much fun that they have to contact Swedish Massage expert Lotta Cuze (Uschi Digard) to fix Rene Bond. Naturally there is much naked and rubbing of skin, but you're looking at about five minutes of film tops.
In the end what you get in freewheeling, convoluted exploitation film making of the highest caliber. Also, major props must go to Elliott Lindsey for his portrayal of hillbilly hitman Keith. He manages to come across as likable and lethal at the same time.

God Bless you Something Weird Video for making sure this exists for us weirdoes of today.

DRAGON CRUSADERS 2011

So, there I was bored and unemployed, scrolling through the unwieldy Netflix app on my Wii. I spotted this thing and it wasn't the dragons that got my attention. It was the Templars. USually, I just watch these things to see how badly they get it wrong.
Luckily for me, that didn't happen.
Dragon Crusaders tells of a small band of Templar Knights. I assume since they are on the run from the king's men that this is the king of France and it's shortly after the trials for heresy. Our intrepid band of holy men have been on the run for while.
Then they come across a village being attacked by pirates. What they don't know is that the pirates have captured a cute little witch and locked her aboard their ship. She has begun a chant of a curse that says that if a man has spilled blood and sets foot on the deck of the ship they will become gargoyles.
Fortunately, our Templars are pure of heart, well, sort of. None of them change immediately, but they will change. Unless, they can find the sorcerer that penned the grimoire that the witch took the curse from. Yeah, that would be The Black Dragon and when he's not a wizard, he's a dragon and he has more dragons to boot.
With the odds stacked against them the Templars, the witch and a fighting maiden Aerona who has sworn to protect the withc make their way to the lair of The Black Dragon.
I really expected nothing of this, but with Cecily Fay as Aerona who makes Xena look like a girl scout and Dylan Jones as the leader of the Templars, John. This became a movie that took its 90 minute running time and ran with it.
Sure, you could complain about the CGI, but it's no different from the rubber monsters when I was a kid. This is more than effects. This is a group of people who have sworn an oath to defeat this curse and nothing will stop them from accomplishing this task.
In other words, this was a good movie. I hear about The Asylum and how people talk down about them, but this was well done. They used some great locations to make it work and the acting was spot on.
Dragon Crusaders is one of those movies I'm glad I took a chance on and will tell everyone they should check it out.

HOLIDAY DVD ROUND UP!

We here at Penguin know you love to give DVDs as Christmas presents. Luckily for you I have many suggestions to make it a Merry Christmas!

THE LANDLORD

Tyler has a little place with three apartments to rent. Renting is easy. Keeping the tenants alive when you have a pair of 5000 year old demons haunting the place, is a different matter. A fun little flick!

HORROR EXPRESS

The classic prehistoric alien on a train with Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing and Telly Savalas flick gets the BluRay treatment from Severin. This is the best this movie has ever looked and this is the version that your weirdo relative wants for Christmas.

MAKE BELIEVE

A documentary that follows six teens all following the same dream; to be crowned Teen World Champion by Master Magician Lance Burton. If magic is good enough for Neil Patrick Harris, then it's good enough for me.

DOLPHIN TALE

Dolphin with a busted tail gets a new one to swim into your hearts. Isn't this the same basic premise as HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON? Only that one had vikings and dragons. Here we get Harry Connick Jr. and Ashley Judd. I smell a ripoff!


A CINDERELLA STORY:ONCE UPON A SONG

So, a sequel to the Hilary Duff flick without Hilary Duff? I think executives love that there is no author to pay for this story that has already been done better.

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

The classic Rankin/Bass cartoon gets the Blu Ray treatment. This is gonna seem pretty pricey for a flick that runs 24 minutes. And no DVD combo? What the?

THE SMURFS HOLIDAY CELEBRATION

Now this is better! Two Smurf holiday specials on one disc. We get Tis The Season To Be Smurfy along with The Smurf Christmas Special. With the recent popularity of The Smurfs with the feature film, this should fly off the shelves.

FROSTY'S WINTER WONDERLAND

The Bride of Frankenstein sequel to the original Frosty special. The kids get together and make Shelly Winters for Frosty so they can all have adventures together. This time they have managed to tick off Jack Frost so, look out! At 24 minutes, this should have been put in a double disc set with Twas The Night BEfore Christmas.

AUSTRALIA AFTER DARK/THE ABCs OF LOVE AND SEX AUSTRALIA STYLE!

These two new releases actually won't hit the shelves until January so they would have to be late Christmas presents. A pair of Mondo style looks at sex and perversion in the land down under. Save some of that Christmas cash for these two releases.

TOM AND JERRY'S FUR FLYING ADVENTURES VOL. 3

Normally, I would tell you how I feel about all these repackaging and double dipping, but it's Christmas so I won't. It's a cat trying to kill a mouse kids! Fun times are had by all!