Monday, June 16, 2008

Candy Stripers (2005)

So, my wife and I were in the local Big Lots looking for a paper towel holder. Long story, don't ask. And Big Lots, always has this ton of movies on sale. This time there was a huge box of three dollar movies. Now, when they are dollar flicks I could care less and I will buy twenty of the damned things. I have a stack of them unopened at my house. So, a three dollar movie needs a little more finesse. It needs to be something that I really would watch if I'm spending the extra dollars.
Along comes the 2005 alien invasion flick, Candy Stripers.
Seems there is a spaceship crash and these two girls happen upon it. They find some dudes and they are dead as doornails so they hightail it outta there. Did I mention that one of the girls was blind? I didn't? Not important as she is really just the means that the slimy, slug like alien gets his grips into the titular characters of the film.
A few deep lesbian kisses later and we have a huge amount of possessed hot chicks who eat a lot of sweets and like to do the nasty with men so that they can cocoon them and make more alien babies.
Our leader, a lame (no, not that kind of lame. His leg got busted up earlier in the movie. Didn't mention it? Probably because it's not important.) basketball player and his buddies decide to wipe out the evil aliens. Seems that this girl that is crushing on our leading man is a diabetic and needs her insulin shots. Guess what will kill these aliens? Yup, you guessed it, insulin. Kinda stupid, but then so is alien possessed candystripers. And aren't candy stripers supposed to be young girls? While these ladies do look fabulous naked, and we do get fair share of naked, there is no way they are young enough to be a candy striper.
There are lots of plot holes like this, but where else are you going to get a hospital full of man hungry girls in skin tight nurses outfits? Plus, the gore flows pretty good. When you have a hot red head going down on a guy only to leave his crotch a bloody mess then you know you are in for a fun ride.
So, in the end, the flick has a million plot holes. Don't care. The dialogue is stilted and lame as Hell. Don't care. The plot is lifted from a million B movies as well as a little of Cronenberg's Shivers. Don't care. We get some gorgeous ladies in the altogether or prancing around in very tight hospital attire sucking on bright red lollipops. See, now we got a movie! If you love this kind of genre, the movie works at a pretty good clip. No real surprises. When you find out the quiet girl is diabetic you know that insulin will be playing a part later in the flick. You also know that she'll end up looking pretty damned hot by the end of the flick.
When my seven year old says, "Will this have a real ending or one of those, the monsters aren't dead endings?" You know that they have tried nothing new in the realm of film making and that's alright. It's good to have mindless entertainment to eat popcorn with.
And that's what Candy Stripers is. Bravo!

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