FANGBONER (2015)

Written and Directed by Nathan Rumler

Starring Brian Papandrea and Emily Hilborn

Dick (Brian Papandrea) wakes up with what may be the worst hangover ever. No matter how much water he drinks, he is still thirsty. Wakened by a phone call from Suzy (Emily Hilborn), she invites him over to her house for beer, movies and maybe, if he’s lucky, a repeat performance of what they shared a few nights ago.

Everything is looking pretty good for Dick.

Well, except for his penis.

He uses Suzy’s bathroom and it looks like it’s been through a shredder. Even when he tries to pee, it comes out of the wrong place and drenches him.

It seems the hookup from last night was more than he reckoned with and now he has a thirst than can only be quenched by blood from Suzy’s crotch???

Now they are both cursed with the thirst and need to feed from others crotches no matter what.

And, for some reason, their intelligence levels seem to be dropping.

This is no normal case of vampirism.

As they will both soon find out.

FANGBONER, the directorial debut of Nathan Rumler mixes together a vicious soundtrack, the sensibilities of a lovechild made from the unholy union of Andy Milligan and H.G. Lewis and a healthy dose of slapstick humor.

In other words a film that will be hard pressed to fins a single genre to call its home.

This is a good thing. This is the thing which midnight movies are made of. And FANBONER deserves a place with them.

Brian Papandrea brings this weird, Iggy Pop manic energy to the role as Dick, the guy who thinks with his dick and it gets him into the most trouble inhumanly possible. The film gives a small vibe as to the perils of unsafe sex; even a blow job can be deadly if you stick your penis in a monster’s mouth. Even if she’s as pretty as Sheri Darling.

The true stand out of the film would have to be Emily Hilborn as Suzy. The pink haired cutie who just thought that she and Dick might have something more, until she gets cursed with the same unnatural thirst and they need to kill to stay alive. She brings a sad vulnerability to a girl who just wants to date a nice guy.

The problem is that Dick really isn’t a nice guy.

The film packs a one two allegory punch when they discover the highly illegal cure for their deteriorating mental condition. Even though the cure could cause more damage in the long run they embrace the means to restore their intelligence.

FANGBONER embraces old school gore effects, loud music for the soundtrack and gives us a throwback to the days when you went hunting through the mom and pop video stores of old. You’d find that big box VHS with the cool artwork and you’d take it home in the hopes that it would deliver the goods.

Sometimes it did. Sometimes, well, you know.

FANGBONER delivers.

Oh, and the title? As a constant attendee of the best convention on the planet, Cinema Wasteland in Strongsville Ohio, we pass it coming and going. It’s the name of an actual road in Ohio. Suzy lives there.