CarousHELL (2016)

CarousHELL

2016

Directed by Steve Rudzinski

Written by Aleen Isley & Steve Rudzinski

Starring Steve Rimpici, Se Marie, Haley Madison, Chris Proud, Teague Shaw & Steve Rudzinski

Duke (Steve Rimpici) has had enough. He works day in day out at the local amusement park and has finally had enough of the snot nosed brats that ride him. See, Duke is a carousel unicorn. Thus we get the pun from the title of the film. His focus of rage is a brat nicknamed Lunchbox (Teague Shaw). The little monster actually collects lunch boxes, thus the nickname. Also, he can’t stop eating. His sister, Laurie (Se Marie, who I thought I had seen previously in a Bill Zebub production and was wrong) is stuck with him for the day because mom has to work.

Laurie doesn’t care. She has plans to go to a party and have a blast with her boyfriend no matter what. Sarah (Haley Madison, who I recognized from multiple Henrique Couto productions and was right this time) is throwing the party and we have all sorts of fun people there. An incestuous foreign couple. A serial killer. And then there’s Preston (Chris Proud) Popped collar and channeling his best Ryan Reynolds. Once we stir in Joe, the pizza guy (Steve Rudzinski) who just wants to get paid for his pizzas we have the perfect setting for a massacre.

Duke is killing anyone who stands in his way of slaughtering Lunchbox.

I saw this in the perfect place…Cinema Wasteland. It was Saturday night and we were all wired from attending A. Ghastlee Ghoul’s Saturday Night At The Movies. I was familiar with Rudzinski’s work and have seen a lot of his previous films.

Nothing prepared me for CarousHELL.

See, you get the carousel unicorn and his first victim is one of the amusement park workers and he skewers him with his horn. Makes sense. I was worried that continued multiple impalings would get dull.

Never fear.

The very next person he sneaks up on he brandishes a huge machete and buries it in their skull.

I could not stop laughing from that point onward. This movie has some of the best executed, most creative kills I have seen in a very long time. I think Duke should have his own series of films at this point. I really could watch him plow through tons of clueless millenials on a regular basis and it would never ever ever get old.

I mentioned that Chris Proud was channeling Ryan Reynolds. It wasn’t meant as mean or degrading. He nails it and is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a while.

If you’re looking for something new. Something different. Something with the weirdest sex scene you will see in your entire life then I must insist you watch this movie.

You can thank me when you see me.

            

HECTIC KNIFE (2016)

HECTIC KNIFE

2016

Directed by Greg DeLiso

Written by Greg DeLiso & Peter Litvin

Starring Peter Litvin, Georgia Kate Haege, J.J. Brine, John Munnelly, Traci Ann Wolfe, Richard Kohn & Rockin Ray as Himself

In a world similar to our own there is a vigilante roaming the streets of New York City. He destroys the junkies, the drug dealers, pretty much anyone who is evil and destructive. His name is Hectic Knife and armed with his two trusty knives and an uncanny ability to regenerate from any wound, even self inflicted ones, he is out to make the world a better place.

But, there’s no money in the world saving business so he advertises for a new roommate and ends up with Link (John Munnelly) who with his comic books and fat stacks of cash, moves in right away.

Consisting on a diet of nothing but hard boiled eggs and the occasionally fried gun and cardboard (???) he dispatches thugs left and right. When he saves a young girl, Frannie Glooper (Georgia Kate Haege), she follows him home declaring herself as his girlfriend.

When Hectic beats the crap out of three drug dealers he finds that they are working for the nefarious Piggly Doctor (J.J. Brine). A madman who wants to bring about the end of the world by hooking everyone on drugs and blowing up small children.

Hectic Knife must call upon his mad skills of knife wielding to save the day, the planet, and the children and maybe even himself.

I go to a convention twice a year. Cinema Wasteland. Held the first weekend of April and October every year it has been a Waltz tradition for over a decade. I was walking through the dealers room with the always lovely Martha Waltz when a man in a long, blonde wig, face covered in blood approached us with flyers in hand. He was pimping his new film being released by Troma. That film was Hectic Knife. When I expressed my enthusiasm for what sounded like an epic film he gave us a special screener copy of his movie along with a CD of his own music. (The music is cool, thanks Peter – DW)

I had zero expectations when I started the movie.

It exceeded all of them.

See, I’m an old fart and have watched so many movies that I remember when there were these amazing underground film makers like Kenneth Anger, Richard Kern and Nick Zedd. I can remember seeing movies like Liquid Sky and Repo Man that defied ordinary film making.

Now I can add Hectic Knife to that eclectic blend of bizarre, weird and downright insane films that I can watch over and over again with no boredom creeping in around the edges. Using the black and white mode coupled with some grainy effects that can only be achieved through film and some really good computer programs this movie feels like it was made in the 80s and someone just dug it out of a hole for all of us to enjoy as it was meant to be.

Hectic Knife is pure underground cinematic perfection.

The characters are fully aware that you’re watching them. Little touches of color creep in when appropriate like when one of the drug dealers can’t stop talking about how orange the pills are. I especially liked the scene where Frannie introduced herself to Link and she did it about twenty times in about twenty accents. It sounds like a lot, but it works really well. The idea that people in this universe eat things like fried guns and cardboard are genius. It reminded me of the odd world created in the film The Dark Backward.

Hectic Knife has two friends in the whole world in this movie his buddy Harry who is a Vietnam Vet that plays chess and kicks ass. He is awesome in this film. But, then Rockin Ray comes along. Rockin Ray is driving this car painted with a mural of awesomeness and has many things festooned about the entire surface. He is driving through the neighborhoods preaching his gospel of no drugs through a loudspeaker on the car. Imagine my surprise when I saw that he is a real person!

 The entire film reminded me of a better time in film. A time when people took chances and it got shown in a theater. This would play so well in a theater so it did my heart good to see that it will be having some screenings.

I have no idea what brought that young man who I now know is the star of Hectic Knife, Peter Litvin, to hand over a copy of the film that he helped to bring into this world, but it made my day.

Now, if you will excuse me I must go and spread the word of the magnificent piece of cinema known as…HECTIC KNIFE! 

New from the Producers of HARDCORE HENRY

I really liked HARDCORE HENRY so, I think this will be cool.

Producers of HARDCORE HENRY Announce New Film 
WE KILL DEATH
Organize Fantastic, Death-Defying Stunt in Toronto

Toronto, ON, Canada (September 1, 2016) – Producers Alex A. Ginzburg, Tony Lee and Inga Vainshtein Smith (2015 TIFF Grolsch People's Choice Midnight Madness Award winner Hardcore Henry), today announced We Kill Death, a new film focusing on four astonishing daredevils from Russia and Ukraine. Racking up millions of views on YouTube, Mustang Wanted, Oleg Cricket and the duo of Vitaliy Raskalov & Vadim Makhorov are familiar to audiences around the world for their imaginative and death-defying stunts and adventures.
 
Ukrainian Mustang Wanted and Russian Oleg Cricket are world-renowned “Rooftoppers,” accomplished parkour stuntmen known for taking things beyond the next level—Ginzburg describes their talents as chiefly “as a lack of fear of heights.” In this video from CNN, Oleg leaps, almost casually, from pillar to pillar atop the 43-story Sofitel Hotel in Dubai http://bit.ly/OlegSofitel. While there, he hangs from the 40^th floor with nothing below him but air. In this compilation video with almost 10 million views, audiences can see Mustang hanging from skyscrapers, “tightrope” walking on construction cranes and performing various other dizzying stunts. http://bit.ly/MustangFeats.
 
Vitaliy & Vadim’s approach differs from Mustang and Oleg both in that they work as a duo, and in that they are more concerned with going places no one else has been in a stylish and visually appealing manner than they are with the physicality of their exploits. The pair have made headlines by breaking into buildings and construction sites and scaling the towers. This video of the pair climbing the Shanghai Tower—the second-tallest building in the world—has almost 57 million views.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLDYtH1RH-U
 
“These men are incredible athletes,” says Ginzburg. “They have more strength in their fingers than most people have in their entire bodies.” Always looking to take their exploits to the next level, Ginzburg assures that audiences will not be disappointed.
 
The potential for cinematic impact for a film like We Kill Death is obvious, Ginzburg explains. “People report intense physical and emotional reactions just from watching these stunts on phones and computers. We believe that this film will deliver the single most visceral big-screen cinematic experience unlike any other.”
 
The producers have tapped Emmy nominee Eddie Perez as stunt coordinator.  Perez, a veteran stuntman and stunt coordinator, has worked on such films as Fast 8, Deadpool, Jack Reacher, and Captain America: The Winter Soldier.
 
Through their Let It Play production and financing company, Alex A. Ginzburg and Tony Lee have produced this year’s Ordinary World, in which an aging punk rocker (Green Day frontman Billy Joe Armstrong) copes with life after rock, also starring Selma Blair and Judy Greer, and the upcoming Holding Patterns, starring Freddie Highmore, Odeya Rush and Haley Joel Osment.
 
Inga Vainshtein Smith says, “After producing Hardcore Henry—which had some seriously crazy death defying stunt work, where people still call and ask, ‘How did your director do that?’ I welcomed the opportunity to go even further out on the ledge to join Alex and Tony in bringing this film to the screen.”
 
Mustang Wanted, Oleg Cricket and Vitaliy & Vadim will all be in Toronto. At the Festival, the filmmakers will execute a live aerial stunt unlike any other in the history of the Festival on Friday evening, September 9 at 6:00PM EDT. Guaranteed to take your breath away, the event—which includes a reception from 5:00-7:00PM for special guests and media to witness it live—is not to be missed. WME is on board to handle domestic sales of We Kill Death.
 

GREAT NEW BOOK AND A CONTEST TO BOOT!!

Christopher Hart has been teaching people to draw for years. Now with the popularity of super heroes in modern culture he introduces his newest book;
DRAWING SUPERHEROES STEP BY STEP
It gives professional guidance and instructions so you can make the super hero book you always wanted to read.
And now you can get one for free!
That's right, just leave a comment with your favorite superhero and there will be a drawing in 30 days to find out who will get a free copy of this fantastic book.
I will also link this to Facebook and comments there will count as an entry as well.
Good Luck and keep drawing!
And visit Christopher Hart at his website as well.

UPDATE!
Our winner is artist Heather Paxton from Oberlin, Ohio. Congratulations!

Here's What I Think of The New Captain America

I have been a fan for many decades of Captain America. He is my favorite super hero. A few years ago they launched a new Captain America book written by Rick Remender. I stuck it out for 10 issues and it was terrible. It read more like torture porn than a comic book and it was just exhausting.
So, I quit buying it.
He did the same thing with Uncanny Avengers. Luckily, the new incarnation of Uncanny Avengers is much better.
When I heard that they were doing the Hail Hydra thing with the new book. I didn’t like the new book to begin with. The uniform looks terrible and I hate the shield. I liked what I read on Free Comic Book Day, but then it turned into this.
I have no intentions of buying this book.
I have decades of Captain America books I can just go back and enjoy.
I’m not sure what Marvel is doing lately. They have cancelled a handful of interesting books and are just piling on multiple books of the same characters.
At this point if they cancel Squirrel Girl and Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur I would have no reason to stay with Marvel.
I actually like that DC is currently making me happy. A little leery about the twice monthly thing, but we will have to wait and see. Their Hanna Barbera comics are amazing.
I find myself buying more independent comics; Godzilla Oblivion, Klaus, Another Castle, The Mighty Zodiac and enjoying them quite a bit.
Marvel’s big twists and showboating is doing nothing more than driving away a loyal fan base.
And that’s fine.
I’m getting too damned old to care anymore.

TURBO KID (2015)

One last review before the month of exile begins. I had heard about this movie before and the trailer looked insane. Then I saw the Facebook post from my son, Dennis;

TURBO KID IS ON NETFLIX!!

Martha and I watched it immediately.

Set in the far flung future of 1997, Turbo Kid fondly brings back the post apocalyptic films that were triggered by the release of The Road Warrior. In this future the sky is filled with acid rain and the harsh landscape brings little in the way of nourishment. Our lead actor, Munro Chambers as the titular kid wanders the wasteland, scavenging what he can for water and comic books of his favorite super hero, Turbo Man.
Soon, he becomes acquainted with a hyperactive girl named Apple (Laurence Lebouef).
She is then captured by the hordes of Zeus (Michael Ironside) to be converted into water.
When the kid stumbles on the final resting place of Turbo Man, he know what he needs to do;
Save the girl.
Be a superhero.
This is such a wonderful movie. The second that Apple arrives on screen she steals the movie, in a good way. I felt like I had dusted off  one of my old, big box VHS tapes and watching a classic. Turbo Kid celebrates a time gone past when everyone was making post apocalyptic movies and they were fun and cheesy and a great watch.
It's on Netflix.
Go watch it.
You can thank me when I get back in March.

The Plan

I am about to embark on an experiment. For the entire month of February I will be offline. NO Internet of any kind. I use a 7 dollar TracFone that does not have Internet so no big deal there. I will be keeping notes and writing about each day in the month. Then it will become a book tentatively entitled InterWHAT? There will be illustrations by artist extraordinaire Stew Miller and I will publish it on CreateSpace.
I imagine I will get more reading done and writing as well. It sounds like it will be fun.
Worst case...it won't be.
Best case...I could discover that doing stuff non internet related is way more fun than skimming through my Facebook feed.
See you all in March.

Fuck You Very Much Laurent “Riss” Sourisseau

Apparently this dipshit cartoonist depicted the little boy who drowned that upset me last month as a sex fiend if he had been allowed to grow up.





Nice, picking on a dead little boy. Real class act there fella.

Go fuck yourself.

In response, Queen Rania and Osama Hajjaj have done a different cartoon. I like this one much better. It is unnecessary for either of these people to go fuck themselves. They are class acts, unlike the first idiot.



He absolutely can go fuck himself.

PLANET VOID (2015)

There has to be life on other planets, right? It just seems that the odds are too great in favor of this happening. In PLANET VOID, director Michael Legge gives us the idea of a planet similar to ours that had a meteor strike the planet, releasing a mold that kills anyone who is male. That's right, it's a planet of nothing but women.
Into this an alien approaches one of the women and impregnates her in the chance to bring women back to his ravaged world. In exchange he can offer her the return of men to hers.
Is that what Planet Void wants? They are able to procreate now without sex and able to keep the planet on an even keel. Do they need men messing that all up again?
The newest satirical comedy from director Michael Legge gives us a world of women knowing they don't need men to be successful. By throwing a classic science fiction plot of repopulating a dying planet he gives the women a chance to re examine their lives and decide what they want.
Anyone who know me or reads this blog knows that I am a huge Michael Legge fan. Everyone in The Waltz Compound is a huge fan. Legge gives the kind of comedy that works on more than one level. Sure, it could be seen as a straight forward sci fi flick with a bizarre plot twist. Or it can be seen as commentary on our world today. Sure, women are treated better than decades past, but there are still some pretty awful places to live if you're a woman. Eliminating the male of the species would probably alleviate, oh all of those problems. Do thy want to bring men back? Maybe they could teach the men not to be jackasses, but it sounds sketchy and they might not want to find out if it is worth the risk.
The cast is a cornucopia of previous Legge films. Lorna Nogueira shines as the lead being used by an alien to help bring women back to his world. Her life partner Cherry Lynn Zinger is always a delight to see onscreen. It's been a while since Mary Ellen Maloney has been in a Sideshow Cinema Production. It was nice to see her again. Linda Baxter Lasco is another favorite I was glad to see again and we can't forget the one and only Diane Mela who brought a snide sense of humor to her part.
The DVD is jam packed with extra goodies. The radio show Fussy Eagleton, Secret Busboy, a photo gallery, some trailers for other Sideshow Cinema epics and an interesting addition.
A Mondo Commentary. Legge took a truncated form of the film, did some commentary on it and showed some bloopers that occurred during certain shots. This was a really good idea. One I hope to see in future films.
PLANET VOID is a funny, satiric look at a planet of women who realize how good they've got it.
My only question is;
Why don't I have a Sideshow Cinema coffee mug?
  

NICK CARTER: CARNIVAL FOR KILLING

So, Nick Carter gets a visit from the son of one of his oldest friends. Seems that dad is down in Rio building a power plant and bad things are happening. Nick heads down there on vacation to find his friend dead and an assassination plot devised by none other than Fidel Castro to take control of Rio!
This one plays pretty fast and loose with Nick roaming the countryside of Rio. Running from one clue to the next and trying to stop an international coup in the process.
There was a scene where the rebel leader smears a woman's breasts and crotch with honey and lets the rats at her that is diabolical. I really liked when he kept changing costumes in the crowds of Carnival to take out the group of assassins. To throw them off he even dressed in drag to throw them off the scent.
When Nick goes to question the wife of his friend and she starts to feed him some line about knowing nothing he just knocks her down and starts to beat the crap out of her. This might be the first time I remember Nick loosing his cool like that and beating a woman that wasn't some sort of Nazi ice goddess. The attack comes out of left field and throws you for a second, but it's Nick Carter. He know what he's doing.
  

CAESAR AND OTTO'S PARANORMAL HALLOWEEN (2015)

 

The boys are back in my favorite series. After skewering Summer Camp and Christmas it is time to make a visit to a haunted house in Caesar and Otto's Paranormal Halloween.
I really do love these movies. The slapstick aspect makes me laugh and the huge amount of awesome cameos don't hurt. I love that Ottos's mom is played by Beverly Randolph of Return of the Living Dead fame. She is still as cute as ever.
Vernon Wells is hilarious in his brief scene. Tiffany Shepis is always a pleasure to see as is Brinke Stevens.
Caesar, Otto and their dad are house sitting for a house with a history. Add in an amorous gardener and a psychotic cook and the boys have their hands full, especially when their dad goes off the rails after consuming some wine from a hidden cellar.
Throw in some evil politician's plans for California domination and Caesar and Otto ar, once again, in over their heads.
As far as entries go this was great. You can tell that director Dave Campfield keeps polishing his craft and this one felt like a lot more practical effects were employed instead of the amount of green screen work from the previous two films.
The movie never forgets to make fun of itself as it parodies films from Amityville to The Exorcist.
And, while we are promised a psychotic beach movie next, you know what I would really like?
I would like a TV series with these guys. Three films prove that they work as a comedy duo.
I can dream can't I? 

Why I Left (And why I decided to come back)

On December 3rd I saw a picture on the internet of a three year old Syrian child dead on the beach. It felt like I got punched in the gut. I was ready to be done. It hurt to look at it because I felt that by leaving him there they removed his dignity in this heartless world.

Yeah, CNN really needs to do more coverage on these things. There was another picture;

That poor man taking his time to cradle that poor, precious child who has been taken from this world. Do you see that grim look on his face? I make that face. It usually means I'm ready to hand out some serious damage.
And what can he do?
He has to pick up babies from the beach trying to escape from a terrible situation.
It's a big world out there people and people are assholes.
Child murdering assholes.
All I ever try to do on this blog is report interesting things. Maybe drop some knowledge and make someone smile.
I salute that poor man who had the decency to get that poor baby off the beach.
My opinion on Syrian refugees?
What the Hell?  Let them in. If some of them are murdering assholes, take care of it. But we really need to stop things that lead to pictures like this.
I'll be back later in the week or next week with some new Nick Carter reviews.
Nick Carter.
He would have just infiltrated Syria, fucked the good looking ladies, shot the bad guys and beat up a mad scientist's rape monster.
I love Nick Carter.