TOP NINE OF 2009

I couldn't find ten movies that I wanted on a list, but I was pretty happy with these so, in no particular order.

TWATLIGHT by Chris Seaver
Seaver always makes me laugh and when he manages to skewer such a popular flick and still keep it within the confines of his self created universe you know you're in for something special. Billy Garberina as Stella's dad about killed me everytime he appeared on screen.
Another of his that needs checking out for the year is I SPIT CHEW ON YOUR GRAVE the best rape revenge comedy ever made.
MY BLOODY VALENTINE IN 3D
Those of you that know me, know that I despise remakes, especially of my beloved slasher flicks of yesteryear, but I went and saw this anyway.
It was such fun! The guy getting his jawbone hooked by a pickaxe and flung into the audience was the most hysterical thing I have seen in a while. The little homages to the original flick and the blatant sequel ending made me feel like I was back in the 80's. In a good way of course.
CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS
I saw the trailer for this and thought it was stupid. The kids wanted to go see it and I groaned. we went and I have not laughed this loud in a theater since I saw HOT FUZZ! Neil Patrick Harris as Steve the monkey! Awesome! Mr. T is in it. There are so many jokes and sight gags and just so much wonderness that I can't help but love this flick. This was the best animated flick of the year and I am fully aware that I just dissed UP. Don't care. This was better.
MY MOUTH LIES SCREAMING
If Michael Legge makes it, I watch it. Simple as that. His funny take on the giallo genre is a wonder to behold. The fact that the bow tie killer actually kills people with bowties is very funny. Set firmly in the Sideshow Cinema Universe this is one of the best things that Michael Legge has ever done. It's no LOONS, but nothing is going to top LOONS with me.
DEAD SNOW
Two words; Nazi Zombies.
WATCHMEN
I was a little worried going into this one. I had read the twelve issue series before it had been collected into the book that most people read. I can remember the months of waiting between issues that most people didn't experience. This was a comic book made for me. I loved this comic book. If this went South I was gonna get angry.
It was very good.
See, I didn't say great, but very good. Why? Well, there were many things that I loved about the film, but I had already loved them in the book. There were a few touches separate from the book that I liked, but really, no octopus monster? It would have worked and people would have bought into it. And IMAX made no difference in watching this except for the lightness of my wallet.
NINJA ASSASSIN
I went into this with no expectations and it delivered in spades. No real story to get in the way of the plot. An epic amount of ninja kickassery. Lots of spewing gore reminiscent of some of my favorite Japanese films. This movie had it all. It was a ton of pure movie watching fun.
INGLORIOUS BASTERDS
I usually have hit or miss with Tarantino. Some of his stuff is great, other stuff not so much. Having said that, this is a wonderful movie. I bought it on DVD the day it came out. Christoph Waltz is the best villain in so many years that I love to watch his performance over and over again. The best thing I can say about this film is that even though half of it is subtitled my nine year old sat there for the whole thing and was a little sad when it was over. So was I. I would love a good four hour cut of this film.
OBSERVE AND REPORT
This is my favorite movie. I love this movie. I said that these were in no particular order, but I really, really, really love this movie. I am not a Seth Rogen fan. He does alright, but I'm not a fan. He is not why I love this movie. I think I love this movie because of how real it is. Director Jody Hill knocked this one out of the park. People in this deserve Academy Awards and probably won't get them. Of all of these films on this list, this is the one that you needs to see. Well, this and MY MOUTH LIES SCREAMING, but this especially. If Jody Hill makes another film sign me up. Pure fucking unadulterated genius. I never get tired of watching this movie.

So, there ya go folks! The Top Nine flicks of the year. Now, for one last thing; I thought I would put out a best DVD release of the year. I am all about the packed DVD set and one company has always come through for me. I am, of course, speaking of Alternative Cinema and the DVD set in question is
SKIN IN THE 70s GRINDHOUSE COLLECTION



You get four films, a informative booklet that explains a lot about these four films and, well four of the most bizarre flicks of the time period. Here's what you get;

Blue Summer (1973) - Follow Tracy and Gene on a wild summer road trip full of hitchhiking hotties and crazy-ass roadside adventures. Starring Darcy Hollingsworth and Chris Jordan, this sexy 70s feature is the ultimate if the van’s a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’!
This one made me thirsty for Carling Black Label Beer. They drink crates of the stuff in this flick! I did manage to hunt down a store nearby that sells it and it is worth the trip. Great beer and a trippy movie to boot.

Sometime Sweet Susan (1975) - Beautiful but silent, the mysterious Susan harbors a deep and disturbing secret in this soft cut of the breakthrough 1975 sexy shocker starring Harry Reems and Shawn Harris. This is a weird film and doesn't really belong with the other three, but Shawn Harris is gorgeous to look at.

Summer School Teachers (1974) - What goes on when three co-ed cuties are hired as summer substitute teachers? A silly, sensual, Seventies sex romp featuring starlets Candice Rialson (Carnival of Souls) and Pat Anderson. Did he really do that with his teacher? Don’t let the school board hear about this one!
I got two words for ya; Candice Rialson. This blond bombshell was amazing and funny and gorgeous to boot. It's sad that she isn't with us anymore, but we have films like this one to remember her by.

Teenage Divorce a.k.a. Josie’s Castle (1972) - Three free spirits cut their ties with the old-fashioned “square” world and shack up in a love commune. A Seventies cult favorite featuring Star Trek’s George Takei (“Mr. Sulu”).
Mr. Sulu as a pot smoking hippy. Did you need another reason? I didn't think so.
Everyone needs to get ahold of this set from the folks at Alternative Cinema. Their website is charging less than 20 bucks for all this classic entertainment. How can you go wrong.

Okay, everyone have a Happy New Year and I'll be back next year with more of the same.
Seeya!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Hey all, just want to wish all the faithful readers a very Merry Christmas and, if I don't post again soon, A Merry New Year as well.
Here's a little something to keep your yuletide warm;

I WOKE UP EARLY THE DAY I DIED (1998)

I admit to having an Ed Wood phase. Hell, if an Ed Wood movie comes on I will watch it. Just can't help myself. Anyway, I had heard of this film when it first came out back in the day and I meant to watch it, but it never happened. Fact is, it never played around here so, it fell off my radar. I remember lots of famous people being in it and that it was a silent movie. What the heck? I was game.
So, last week I watched it with my daughter, Dandelion. If anyone is going to watch quirky flicks with me it's going to be her. I think she was surprised by the lack of dialogue. Funny, so was I.
The movie is filled with sounds and music and grunts and screaming. Eartha Kitt sings a song at the end, but that's the entirety of actual words coming out of someone.



The plot is directly from Ed Wood's screenplay. In fact, sometimes there are reproductions of actual scenes from the script superimposed over the action. I thought that was a nice touch.
The basic plot is that The Thief (Billy Zane) has just escaped from an institute for the criminally insane. In drag, of course. First he tries to hold up an armored car, but when that fails he decides to knock over the bank. Shooting a teller he makes off with fifteen grand.



Later, he attends the teller's funeral, but he doesn't. Seems that he actually is attending a mysterious body's funeral with professional mourners. He stashes the cash, but when it comes up missing he goes on a murderous rampage trying to find his money from one of the professional mourners.
Before I go on, let me list the famous actors that are in this bizarre little film;
Billy Zane
Tippi Hendren
Ron Perlman
Christina Ricci
Andrew McCarthy
Ann Magnuson
Bud Cort
Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Carel Struycken
Eartha Kitt
Tara Reid
John Ritter
Ricky Schroder
Nicolette Sheridan
Sandra Bernhard
Karen Black
Leif Garrett
Dana Gould
Vampira
I mean look at this list! Sure, you could say some of them might have needed the work, but I don't think that's it. There was the Ed Wood chic surrounding Ed because of the Tim Burton film, but I don't think that's it either. I think it gave them all a chnace to be in something where they had to act. No speaking, no words or familiar mannerisms that come with speech. They had to sell it on their own and not look like idiots while doing it.



Two of the more amazing people in the film would have to be Christina Ricci as a prostitute and Sandra Bernhard as a burlesque dancer. Ricci has this large, curvy sensuality that has fallen by the wayside with her new slender look. She was being a prostitute. From her behavior to her wardrobe down to everything she did. You forgot that she was Christina Ricci and that she was a whore.
Sandra Bernhard. Ah, Sandra. See, I've seen a lot of stuff that she's been in. I think she can be funny, creepy, anything but sexy. She never strikes me as a sexy being in any way shape or form. But, then she did this. The woman exudes a raw sexuality that makes you stand up and take notice. You can't stop looking at her and you like what you see. It's amazing to watch.
I find it hard to believe that this film isn't more famous. The director only made this one flick and that was it. I always assumed it was a alias for Billy Zane, but I'm not sure of that fact.




In the end I WOKE UP EARLY THE DAY I DIED is an excellent example of what can be done with film.
Unfortunately, the only trailer I could dig up is shitty. I'm including it anyway.

The Snow Vampires

MY MOUTH LIES SCREAMING (2009)

My Mouth Lies Screaming opens as many classic giallo films have done. A person dressed entirely in black enters a home where an unsuspecting woman (Sandra Nogueira) is climbing into a nice, warm bubble bath. The person in black barges in, the woman screams and the killer goes for his weapon of choice...a bowtie?



Your first instinct is to laugh at such a , well, laughable weapon, but then the carnage begins as the killer slashes the poor woman to death. My Mouth Lies Screaming starts off with a bloodbath to do any giallo proud.



But, this is the world of film maker Michael Legge so, it's only going to get weirder than the use of a bowtie as a murder weapon.



The story revolves around Antonio(Robin Gabrielli) and Evilyn (Cherry Lynn Zinger, and, before anyone comments, yes it's her real name) who are very much in love. Unfortunately, they are married to different people. Antonio must bear the burden of his dizzy wife Dumbelina (Diane Mela) while Evilyn has the extremely wealthy Professor Kubiyan(Michael Legge) to contend with.



Sure, the Professor is sick being half blind, half deaf and half crippled (???) but with the help of the the genius of Dr. Benvenuti (Phil Hall,) Evilyn won't be collecting her widow's benefits anytime soon. And, to make it harder to off her husband there is balloon fetishist, Nurse Rotunda (Lorna Noguira) to deal with. No, nothing will be easy for these two selfish lovers who are trying to off their respective spouses so that they may live happily ever after.



But what if there is an accident? There is that madman, The Bowtie Killer lurking about. Maybe if...?



MY MOUTH LIES SCREAMING is the newest film from the fertile imagination of writer/director Michael Legge. Having spoofed everything from spy movies to classic sci-fi, Michael has set his sights on the giallo genre and scored another bullseye. This is exactly what you come to expect from Mr. Legge, but it's different. It seems that our film maker is maturing, albeit in a goofy, Sideshow Cinema kind of way.
The opening sequence of the bowtie murder actually works on a suspense/thriller level.



Sure, the bowtie seems a little silly when it first appears, but the slashing and bloodletting that occurs is really not all that silly and done better than a lot of slasher flicks with bigger budgets. Plus, this film seems more preoccupied with sex than most of his other movies. We have Antonio and Evilyn who are all over each other. There are two scantily clad females in bathtubs at one point or another through the film. Nurse Rotunda wearing nothing but some frilly undergarments while having relations with a balloon is actually quite erotic.
My Mouth Lies Screaming might be the most erotic screwball comedy I have ever seen.
I also like how this is such a small, insulated film. While it takes place in a small town, you see very little of the denizens of the town. You get the main characters, a couple peripheral people that are on and off camera in a wink and that's really it. It gives an unwordly, bizarre feel to the movie that actually helps it have more of an impact than your usual flick.
While all the people in this movie breathe such believable life into such unbelievable chracters, I thought that one deserved more of a mention. That would have to be Diane Mela as Dumbelina. Stuck with a name like that is sure to give the viewer some preconceived notions, but Ms. Mela manages to pull it off. Her character is literally a trainwreck that just blunders through life and Diane makes Dumbelina such a joy to watch as she goes about her day. Even when there is chaos and dlaughter all around her, she knows when it's time to just take a nap. Great job, Diane!
Here at Divine Exploitation we are all about the micro budget cinema. Michael Legge has taken that to a special degree in that he has financed his own film and is now selling it through an exciting program at Amazon. It's called Create Space and it enables film makers to have total control over their projects while utilizing the mega giant of the magical interweb, Amazon.
Click here to order this flick using this creative innovation.
So, if you're a big fan of the giallo genre and you've been waiting a long time to see it properly skewered, then My Mouth Lies Screaming is just the flick for you.
In a related matter I would like to mention Sideshow Cinema's Restoration Project. Director Legge has taken four of his earlier, unavailable films and put them on DVD. They come in double feature packs and you can get all four flicks for only 20 bucks postage paid. That's five bucks a movie for those of you that are good at math. The films are CURTAINS, POTENTIAL SINS, WORKING STIFFS and NIGHT BASEMENT. Four classics from Sideshow Cinema.



Get 'em HERE!

What Makes A Divine Exploitation Person?

Being the one responsible first for the zine and then this blog, I feel that I might be most qualified to respond to this question. Who asked it? Why I did of course!
So, there are people who use certain things as road marks in their travels through life. Some use pictures, sensations, smells, people they have met. The list could go on and on forever. For me it has always been movies and television.
Ask me about Night Of The Living Dead and I will remember watching it at my mother's house when I was twelve. I remember having to get up to go use the bathroom and when I was headed back to the living room one of my mother's friends thought it would be fun to scare me. I did a standing front jump of at least twelve feet. Not too bad for a twelve year old.
But, while this is a remembrance that I will likely carry with me for all of my days, it goes farther than that. It's when the fascination for the bizarre and weird of cinema and television overrides your natural sense of survival.
Let me give you the best example I have.
See we lived in Scotts, Michigan when I was a kid out on East TS Avenue. The only other house was our neighbors across the street, The Cooks'. Our living room was this huge, wood floored place with a giant picture window that faced out at a field with the railroad tracks behind it. There were cornfields next to use, behind us and three different sets of railroad tracks out in the middle of nowhere.
You want creeped out? Try living here while watching Shock Theater as an impressionable child. Nothing compares to the isolation of rural life like this.
Anyway, we were having one of many tornado warnings and it was close enough that Mom and Dad decided to move the four Waltz kids down into the basement. The basement wasn't all that creepy. It wasn't finished, but it was huge. So, here we are, down in the basement, no cell phones, no television, the radio didn't work all that well. No real communication just the howling of the wind outside.
My father decided that enough was enough. He was going to go up and see what the weather on the television would tell him. Me, being the oldest, decided to go along for the ride. We checked the normal stations and there was nothing.
Then my dad started fiddling with the UHF dial. That was when the ABC affiliate WUHQ out of nearby Battle Creek flared into life for the first time in the Waltz household. And what was on the channel? Land Of The Giants. I was fascinated by the program. I think my father was more impressed that he found a new channel on the television. Either way here we were the two oldest males of the Scotts Michigan contingent of The Waltz Clan and we were watching television while Old Testament/Wrath Of God weather roared in defiance outside. It took a while before my mother and the three other kids came up to see if we had been carried off. I'm pretty sure that my mother wanted to kill my father for that one.
So, even the threat of total obliteration by one of the most powerful forces on Earth couldn't dissuade me from watching this cool television program.
Of course now I would be in the basement with an emergency radio that powers up with a few turns of a crank and there would be no chance that I would venture from the safety of our basement.
Or I might just take the flee option that a lot of people have been spouting about. See, the good thing about tornadoes is that they follow a certain path. The idea is to put as many miles as possible between you and this things path. Maybe. I'm not sure.
So, while many people call themselves movie buffs and television experts, I wonder how many of them would brave a tornado just to catch the newest episode of (insert name of show here). Not many I would wager.
And that's what makes a Divine Exploitation Person.
Here's a little treat for those of you that plunged through my little tale;

COMPUTER BEACH PARTY (1987)

So, there I am watching Attack Of The Show the other day and they showed a YouTube trailer for a flick called Computer Beach Party. I am a big fan of the 80's teen genre so, I decided to track this little puppy down.
Man, am I glad I did!



It starts off with a horribly faked ship tossing and turning at sea. Seems this particular stretch of beach is where a ship loaded with treasure sank off the shore of Galveston.
That's right. Not California, not Florida, Galveston. Well this particular stretch of beach is where all the dudes like to race their sailing thingamabobs. except now the mayor is buying up the beach and trying to keep people away so that he can find the treasure.



Andy and Dennis our two erstwhile heroes will do anything to stop the mayor's evil plans and keep the beach pristine. And everyone knows that means...BEACH PARTY!! And no beach party of the decade would be complete without a hair metal band. In this case, a group called Panther which I found zero information on. They are not the group Panthers. Completely different.



And, since it is called COMPUTER Beach Party, these guys are computer nerds and their dinosaur computers are capable of waaaay more than they should be. Heck, some of the stuff they do on their computers you can't even do today.
Add to this a car that looks like a giant chicken, lots of gyrating bodies and an ample supply of boobies and you have a curious little flick that does what all teen comedies are supposed to do;



Fight the man, have some fun, drink some beer and see some titties.
Mission accomplished Computer Beach Party. Well done.
Oh and somehow they got a live performance by The Drifters doing Under The Boardwalk. Amazing, simply amazing.

Here's a clip;

Attack Of The Mini-Wolf!!!

SATAN'S BLADE (1984)

I have no idea why I watched this, but all I can say is that it is FANTASTIC! This falls into the slasher realm of the 80's, but it has the eerie, no budget feel of CLASS REUNION MASSACRE. It also shares with that film the odd little thing that no one in this flick ever did anything else! Weird, huh?
Let's get to the details shall we?



First we get a bloody bank robbery where two beautiful chicks are gunned down in cold blood. Then we discover that the bank robbers were women in disguise! One turns on the other and thinks she is just gonna dump the body and run with the loot. Then she gets stabbed in the back and left for dead with her ex friend on the stairs of the cabin with a weird bloody sign scrawled on the wall.



Yeah, that's just the beginning.



Soon, two groups of people arrive at the ski lodge. One is a pair of lawyers with their girlfriends/wives (It's never really made clear) sure, they have their arguments, but they are in love.



The other groups is a bevy of beautiful girls. The only problem is they didn't make reservations at a ski lodge in the winter! Yeah, not too bright.



Hey wait! Didn't those two bank robber chicks get murdered in one of the cabins? Yeah, and since the sheriff says it's alright and they scrubbed most of the bloody evidence from the wall there's no reason they can't stay in the cabin, right?



And, of course, there is a prerequisite legend Seems way back in the olden days there was this mountain man who lived on the mountain. Probably why they called him a mountain man. Anyway, society kept encroaching on the mountain man's turf, pushing him and his family farther and farther up the mountain until he couldn't take it anymore and snapped. A few dead people slaughtered with a knife and we have a bonafide legend on our hands.



Seems crazy mountain man has come back to finish what he started.
Soon, the body count starts to pile up. The breast count goes even higher until we get a weird ending and a bizarre second ending that wraps up the whole thing in a nice, bloody package.



This was an excellent slasher flick. We get the weird, supernatural aspect of it. A large amount of very pretty women, for 1984, that are willing to get naked at the drop of a hat, and a fiercely original storyline. It is a real shame that none of these people ever went on to do anymore, because this was freaking awesome!



This is pretty hard to find, but the more determined of you could 'cough' torrent 'cough' probably dig it up with little hassle. There has never been a DVD release of this little gem and it so needs one. As far as slasher flicks go I'm placing this one in my rewatch and excellent pile. Not too many get in that pile so, it's sort of an honor in a geek fanboy sense of the term.



And, let's not forget the trailer:

An Appeal From A Fellow Blogger

Apparently, there is a huge Eurocrime documentary in the works and they need to start licensing the film clips to bring it to fruition.

Here's the link:

http://spitonyourtaste.blogspot.com/2009/10/kickstart-eurocrime-documentary.html

If you're a fan of the Eurocrime genre then this might be a worthy cause for you.

Here's a clip of one of my favorite eurocrime flicks.

PALISADES TARTAN BRINGS IT'S A GAME THIS HALLOWEEN!

Sure, you could watch the same old, same old creepy horror classics you watch year after year this October, but here's a novel idea. How about something that will actually scare you? Or,at the very least, disturb the crap out of you.
I am, of course referring to the plethora of releases coming out of Palisades Tartan Video this month.
Let's start off with the coolest and probably weirdest of the bunch.
I am referring to PRINCESS. A Danish film directed by Anders Morgenthaler, this film is more than a little off center. It concerns a missionary by the name of August who comes home after years of work out of the country because his sister has died from drug abuse. But his sister was no ordinary junkie. She was the porn star referred to as The Princess. She left her five year old daughter Mia with a prostitute so, August claims his niece.
Burdened with guilt, sadness and an unspeakable rage, August takes it upon himself to avenge the death of his sister. The violence continues to escalate as August realizes that the world of drugs, pornography and prostitution is more than a single man can handle.
While this sounds like a pretty straightforward storyline, here's the kicker;
Most of the film is animated. Sure, there are flashbacks that are in grainy video, but this is a beautifully animated film.
I've heard people refer to it as THE LITTLE MERMAID meets TAXI DRIVER. I really don't see THE LITTLE MERMAID in this. More of a dark Hayao Miyazaki film. The animation is gorgeous and the storytelling is magnificent.
My favorite scene, which won't really ruin the storyline for anyone, is during a shoot out. Everytime August puts a bullet in someone it shows the results of the death. Whether it's a coffin going into the crematorium or a widening red stain on the bed of the person's lover, this is amazing stuff.



Next up is THE BUTCHER. Forget SAW. Forget HOSTEL. This movie is brutal with a capital B. There is no setup or explanation. The flick throws you into the center of a handful of people who have been selected to be in a snuff film. Shot entirely with two POV cameras, THE BUTCHER revels in it's ability to shock the Hell out of you. And really shock you. You will not believe what you are seeing in a film that was actually too gruesome to be released in its country of origin.
To be honest, it's not my cup of tea, but there are a lot of people who will probably like it. I did appreciate the fact that the film makers limited themselves to using POV cameras and still managed to pull off a cohesive narrative.



Then we have P.
Dau is a young orphan girl who is taught magic by her grandmother. When grandmother gets ill, Dau is forced to go to nearby Bangkok to find work so she can buy her grandmother medicine. She ends up working in a go-go bar where her innocence doesn't last too long. She decides to use her magic to give her an advantage over the other people who work in the bar. This gives her a few enemies and problems as the darker aspects of her magic start to reveal themselves.
P is a really good flick that does a nice slow build up of tension and horror as you realize what is happening. And, for the gore hounds out there. There's even something for you. An all around creepfest.



Finally, we have the crown of the group. Palisades Tartan has released three of it's horror flicks in what they are calling...
TERROR PACK Vol. 1
With three great films from around the globe.
First there is SHEITAN with Vincent Cassel. It's your warm, Christmas story, but not really as a group of youngsters realize that the creepy guy with the pregnant wife has made a pact with the devil and it's about to come to a head.
Then there is CARVED. A beautiful woman gets her face disfigured by her jealous husband and her spirit haunts the town where it happened. But it's been thirty years. She couldn't come back again, could she? Well, if she didn't then we wouldn't have a movie, would we?
Finally from the Dutch we have SLAUGHTER NIGHT. Seems that young Kristel is on a mission to a museum to retrieve the final manuscript from her departed dad. She takes along some friends. This can't go well at all, can it?

I, for one, am glad that Tartan is back in its new incarnation of Palisades Tartan. They are renowned for bringing us cinema from around the globe and this October they have become determined to scare the Hell out of us as well.
Bravo!

Two For Tuesday Double Feature.HANNA D & BLACK DEVIL DOLL

I watched a flick late last night and then another one today so I decided to go for the two-fer approach. Two flicks as different as day and night and both reeking of the dreaded exploitation germ.
Wheeeee!
Ready? Good! Let's get this started.
First up we have HANNA D. THE GIRL FROM VONDEL PARK
Right on the front Severin Films warns you that it is an extreme exploitation gem. Exploitative? Oh, most definitely. Extreme? No, not really. At least not anymore.
It starts with the release of a film entitled CHRISTIANE E. that started the whole 'sweet-teen-turned-heroin-addict-prostitute' sub-genre. Everyone jumped on board that one just for the amount of skin you are allowed to show.

In this case that lovely skin belonged to the breathtaking Ann Gisel Glass. Her slender frame coupled with those huge, smoking eyes made it impossible to ignore this woman in this role.
Directed by the infamous Rino Di Silvestro of WEREWOLF WOMAN and WOMEN IN CELL BLOCK 7 fame, Rino gives us a woman who believes she is in control of her life.

Until drugs take hold.
What's the flick about? I already told you. It doesn't stray too far from the whole concept. Hanna meets a young man who says they will go places and then turns her into a porn actress and prostitute. He makes sure she gets plenty of good drugs. Probably the most disturbing sequences to me were when Hanna took the shot on the back of her tongue and the inside of her eyelid so that the track marks wouldn't show. Yowtch!
I looked online for a trailer for the flick and the quality of the video is so bad that I decided against it. Just check out the screen captures to see what a gorgeous print this is. Uncut and uncensored for the first time ever in America.

And, as far as extras go, there is a fantastic interview with the director who just passed away on the 9th of October this year. I get the feeling that they let it run long because it was probably his last interview. I really thought it was cool that he was wearing the same sweater that I own. Very cool to know that I have similar tastes to some depraved film maker. Come to think of it, my wife bought me that sweater for Christmas a few years back. Hmmm, she must be the one to have similar tastes to a depraved film maker. Gonna have to keep an eye on that one.

Now let us depart from the lovely Hanna D. for much more frightening fare. I am talking of course of ...BLACK DEVIL DOLL! He's a lover, he's a killer...HE'S A MUTHAFU**IN' PUPPET! (that's from the DVD box. I am rarely that clever)

Take an unbeatable mixture of classic blaxploitation with more giant boobies than you can motorboat in an afternoon and thrown in an evil puppet who wants as much white trim as he can get his puppet boner on and you have what is destined to be a classic.

BLACK DEVIL DOLL is the touching story of bored and buxom Heather.(Played by the delightful Heather Murphy, who needs to be in many, many more movies.)She happens to own a ventriloquist dummy and a Ouija board. She decides to fire up the portal to another world at the same moment that a black militant serial killer dies in the electric chair. Before you can say Jimmy Crack Corn And I Don't Care, the old ventriloquist dummy has transformed into a puppet version of our angry black militant. when he feasts his eyes on the bodacious Heather, he decides that he needs some of that sweet lovin'. Yeah, but then the brother gets bored with the same booty night after night and tells Heather she needs to score him some more of the delectable white goddesses that she is friends with.

Heather invites four of her friends over. Seems that Heather only knows strippers because that is what we are presented with here. Doesn't take long before the gore is flying as well as lots of deviant puppet sex. when Heather realizes that her puppet boyfriend is nothing but a cold blooded killer she knows it's up to her to stop that damned jive talking puppet.

This, like the recently reviewed THE BLOODY APE, is a throwback to the exploitation of yesteryear. It knows what it is and rubs your face in it for a tight edited 73 minutes. This would be the perfect double feature with TRILOGY OF TERROR with Karen Black because we all know that we only watch the episode where she battles the Zuni Fetish Doll. Am I right? Of course I am.

Hurray for the return of the evil puppet genre! We have missed you little wooden bastards.

THE FORMALDEHYDE MAN...NO MORE!!!

The picture of Formaldehyde is from Geek Maggot Bingo. All Rights Are Copyright to the creators.

So, I recently watched GEEK MAGGOT BINGO the other day. I hadn't seen it for years so I decided to was time for a rewatch. I was infatuated with the monster known as The Formaldehyde Man. I have a friend who is an excellent sculptor who I thought could do up a small, inaction figure that we could make a limited run of and sell on the Internet.
Seems reasonable right? Yeah, then I got this message from my MySpace account.

"Hi Doug,
While I share your enthusiasm regarding the character The Formaldehyde Man, it is a copyrighted character that I own as the designer and creator. I don't mean to cramp your style but as an artist, writer, and publisher yourself, you understand the notion of ownership regarding original material. You need licensing to appropriate a copyrighted image or character. A copyright which I own and have not licensed or relinquished to anyone.
So, please enjoy the character as he was intended and if you need to see more of The Formaldehyde Man, THEFORMALDEHYDEMAN.COM will be up soon, and why work with someone else to create a figure when it already exists, again created by the creator.
You can reach me directly at: tksmithart@comcast.net
Sincerely, Tyler Smith"

Now, I figured that I could just message him back on his MySpace account, right? Right! Yeah, then I got this little missive;

"Yea, did you ask Tyler Smith? That is my dad, a.k.a. the person who originally wrote this message. He doesn't have a Myspace so he signed onto mine to e-mail you. He told you to talk to him at tksmithart@comcast.net
Let me re-iterate myself clearly. I am Aaron Smith, Tyler Smith's son. He is the owner of the Formaldehyde man. He saw on a blog that someone was making an action figure of the Formaldehyde man on a blog and he signed onto my myspace to reach you because he doesn't have a Myspace.
Sincerely,
Aaron Smith"

So, the guy misrepresents himself, acting like this is his account when, in fact, it belongs to his young son. Way to go, Daddy-O.
I washed my hands of the whole thing and told the younger Smith words to that effect. I wanted no part of this.

Then he messaged me again;


"But why would you just give up hope on something so great? At the sign of one obstacle you just turn around and go home? I think you should do it. Just consult my dad first.
Sincerely,
Aaron"

I told him to go ahead and ask his dad for me. I was, at this point, done with the entire thing. I told him that we would make the figure, attribute it to his father, mention it in the packaging and send him one when it was done.

Then I got this message, again from the father using his son's MySpace again;

'Hi Doug,
It's Sept 30, my 14 year old son is now just telling me for the first time of your mails back and forth. I wrote you originally and left my address . I don't have a my space so he let me use his to contact you.
Please, write me directly to discuss this, not him, so I don't have to use his spacebook.
tksmithart@comcast.net
Tyler Smith'

Now, you see where he mentions that his son told him of all the emails and the ideas that I had, right? Okay, so I bit the bullet and asked Tyler Smith if he had any pictures of the back of the creature to help my sculptor friend out with the design. Sounds like something reasonable, right? You know, get the ball rolling, get the figure done and out into the public eye. Make some money for every interested party on a monster that has seen light since 1983!?!?
TWENTY-SIX FRIGGIN YEARS and an idea that I conceived that would do nothing but give the film and the creators more exposure. Limited edition figures are very collectible and there are plenty of people who would shell out some serious bank for a monster that has not been utilized for TWENTY-SIX YEARS!!!

Here's the response that I got;

"Hi Doug,
Just for the record, Douglas Waltz has never contacted me directly until the above mail. My help has never been directly requested, nor have I ever offered my help in this matter.
Regardless of how long the Formaldehyde Man from GEEK MAGGOT BINGO has been around and how "entitled" you might think you are, Nick and I own the sole rights to any and all material in Geek Maggot Bingo.
I spoke with Nick, you made no mention of a sculpture. He did not issue authorization for the use of the rights to the Formaldehyde Man in a sculpture. Nor did he consult me regarding any of your communications.
Again, as stated before, for the record, I have not authorized or relinquished to you or anyone, the rights to use any images and characters related to the Formaldehyde Man, which I own the rights to. For you to proceed, you do so at your own risk, knowing that you are in violation of an existing copyright, and totally and flagrantly disregarding my wishes.
In light of your last e-mail, where you have made it clear you intend on proceeding, without at least one direct communication with me expressing your intent, again in direct opposition to my stated position regarding the rights to The Formaldehyde Man, I'm interpreting your stand on this matter as hostel and one of non-compliance.
This is my last correspondence.

Sincerely,
Tyler Smith"

Let's go ahead and dissect this missive shall we?
I never said I was 'entitled' to use The Formaldehyde Man.
Direct contact was made through the original format (MySpace) that you utilized.
I never mentioned a sculpture to Nick Zedd, that is true. BECAUSE WE'RE MAKING AN INACTION FIGURE!!!!!!! Completely different and I actually was still visualizing the idea when I last corresponded with Nick. The plan was to make a prototype, present it all concerned parties and go from there. Then the MySpace fiasco began.
The phrase 'I intend on proceeding' has no merit. I told the son more than once that I was done with the ridiculous situation and had no intention of proceeding, makes this statement false. It was the son's prodding that had me reach out to Mr. Smith in the first place.
You misspelled 'Hostile'.
The only good thing that has come from this is that Mr. Smith has promised that this will be his last correspondence.
GREAT!
Now, I won't have to put up with incessant whining from his son, with out and out lies in emails from the father and I never have to worry about this again. So, MR. Smith can let his creation sit in his storage unit and rot into oblivion where nothing will ever come of it. I mean really, he's had twenty-six years and what has been done with this creature? One movie. That's it. No more no less.
It's a shame because The Formaldehyde Man is a great movie monster and could use some positive press.
Now, to The Formaldehyde Man directly;
Dear Formaldehyde Man,

I had such grand plans for your relaunch. I in no way blame you for the horrible behavior of your creator. Maybe he will see his selfish ways for what they are and he will reconsider. The above email makes that very unlikely and that's a shame. Stay strong Formaldehyde Man. At least we have Geek Maggot Bingo together. NO one can take that away from us.
Sincerely,
Douglas Waltz
Your Number One Fan.

Oh, and that little blurb at the top? I had intended putting a picture of the magnificent Formaldehyde Man for the world to see.
The hassle isn't worth it.

(The above article is copyright 2009. All Rights Reserved. Any reproduction of any of the original work is prohibited unless permission is given by the author. This includes review of the aforementioned work as well as satire of the above. Violators will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.)

THE BLOODY APE (1997)

A couple of weeks back I attended the October Cinema Wasteland Show. While I was there I walked by a table for Wild Eye Releasing. I had reviewed their release of GOTHKILL, which I thought was very well done and I mentioned it to the man behind the table. He asked me if I had seen their other flicks And I thought I had seen BLITZKRIEG:ESCAPE FROM STALAG 69, but I was mistaken.
Then I saw the cover for THE BLOODY APE. I had to have this.
After coming home from the convention this was the first thing I put in the DVD player.
I couldn't have been happier.



THE BLOODY APE (a.k.a. Son Of Sweetback Vs. Kong.) is a throwback to the classic, zero budget trash of the late 60's and early 70's. And well it should be. Film maker Keith J. Crocker was insane enough to shoot the damned thing on 8mm!! Sure the flick is twelve years old, but 8mm was dead waaaaaay before 1997. And how he manages to capture that feel on such a low budget is beyond me. He makes it look like he transported himself back in time and shot the film and then brought it back here with him. The scenery looks legit, the interiors look legit. Crocker even manages to get some of those horrid shots with huge shadows because the film makers didn't know
how to light the damned shot.



There is only one thing that kills the illusion and that's the scene at the video store. No way there should have been a video store in this flick, but what can I say? At least it was VHS.



So, what is THE BLOODY APE about? It's a demented twist on the Poe Classic Murders In The Rue Morgue like you've never seen it. When a carnival barker releases his 400 pound gorilla on the city it isn't long before the blood and gore is flying. From hippies trying to piss on a bush to women who uses banana scented soap, no one can escape the wrath of THE BLOODY APE!!! THE BLOODY APE even manages to get a little frisky with one of the numerous lovely ladies who populate this film. Yeesh!



In the end, film maker Keith J. Crocker is bringing us untold stories of the grindhouse/drive-in days and I personally, can't wait to see the next one.
Congratulations to Wild Eye Releasing for getting this out to the people. Please support this company in all their endeavors. I would recommend buying directly from the distributor in this particular instance so they can continue releasing such quality fare.