Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Pimpin'

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BITTEN (2008)



I was flipping through my Netflix streaming and saw this poster and thought it was Alyssa Milano. It's actually, Erica Cox, but then when I saw Jason Mewes name, I knew I had to watch it.
Mewes plays, Jack, a paramedic working the night shift with his older partner, Roger (Richard Fitzpatrick), loses his girlfriend of six months to a yoga instructor. One morning on his way home he finds a gorgeous girl (Erica Fox) covered in blood and screaming. He takes her in to his house and cleans her up. She refuses to go to the hospital.
But something is wrong with her.
Yeah, you guessed it, she's a vampire.
And she needs Jack's help if she's going to get a square meal.
Jack lives in a rundown area of town filled with bums and drug dealers, this should be a cake walk.
But, hunger is a funny thing.

BITTEN has Jason Mewes doing his best not to act like Jason Mewes, but there's one problem;
He is Jason Mewes.
He carries that baggage to every film he's in. Sure, he manages to carry his own in this flick and he and Fitzpatrick seem to have some actual chemistry, but it just isn't enough. Add that to the fact that the film is just too damned dark. we get that she's a vampire and needs to keep it cool, but it becomes more of a strain on the eyes than anything else.
One little glitch disturbed me.
Early in the flick Jack forces Danika, yeah that's her name, to put her arm in the sun. It burns and bubbles. No surprise with her being a vampire and all.
Later in the film there is this threesome with them and a hot blonde chick. Following that they are all laying in bed with Danika closest to the window and the director decides he wants this fancy time passes shot where you see the sun move through the room...right over Danika's face! Yeah, seems that should do something, but she sleeps right through it.
In the end, BITTEN is too little, the ending sucks and Erica Cox is freaking gorgeous and stays pretty much unclothed throughout the flick.
The only reason to watch this.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

THE DEADLY AND THE BEAUTIFUL (1973) FUTURE HUNTERS (1986)

A couple of actioners to make up for missing yesterday.

First up we have FUTURE HUNTERS.



I have friends who really like this flick. I think I might like it more if Robert Patrick wasn't in it. I mean we get Richard Norton and Bruce Le, a tribe of midgets, Mongols, Nazis and Linda Carol before she got rough looking.
But Robert Patrick is so damned annoying.
The plot is that it is the future and The Spear of Destiny can enable someone to go back in time and change history because of some armageddon thingie that happens in 1986. Unfortunately, Richard Norton dies when he gets here so it's up to Linda Carol and Robert Patrick to save the day.
But Robert Patrick is so whiny and constantly gets his butt kicked throughout. He even manages to blow up a helicopter and a plane in short succession.
I did like that there were long stretches of zero dialogue, but, for the most part, I doubt I would ever revisit this flick.



Then comes THE DEADLY AND THE BEAUTIFUL A.K.A. WONDER WOMEN.




This baby knows how to start a flick. Girls, naked, swimming in a pool underwater. Then cool chicks in hot pants, halter tops and kick ass afros show up and take them all out. Soon, the multinational squad of sex boms kidnap people from all over the globe. It seems they work for Dr. Tzu (Nancy Kwan) and she has developed a way to transplant any part of the human body to any other body without rejection. The rich come to her for rejuvenation and with the help of her accountant/business manager Mr. Gregorian (Sid Haig), they make some serious cash.
But then they kidnap a world famous jai alai player for a dying man to put his brain into. Seems the jai alai player has been insured for a cool half a million by Lloyds of London. Then its time to send in ex CIA, insurance adjuster Mike Harber (Ross Hagen) to find the athlete and grab some serious cash.
Throw in a number of shoot outs, fight scenes, a lab where Dr. Tzu keeps her mistakes who, naturally, are released and go on a rampage and an acre of succulent, female flesh parading in front of the camera every two seconds and you have a classic exploitation film that is sure to make everyone happy.
I really liked actress, Maria De Aragon as the doomed love interest and head of Dr. Tzu's hit squad. I decided to check her out online and got a bit of a shock.She did a few flicks, but then she played Greedo in Star Wars!! Good for her. She probably makes a fortune on the convention circuit.

Now watch one of the best trailers for a flick I have seen in a while.




Friday, August 24, 2012

SUCKULA (1973) THE PICK-UP (1968)

I also managed to squeeze in a viewing of PIECES yesterday, but I'm going to pass on reviewing that one. It's been done to death. Great, fun flick, but enough about that one.

The girl in the horrid fangs is Antoinette Maynard.


First up we have SUCKULA. It deals with a reporter telling us of footage they have of Dracula rampaging through the countryside. When I spotted the reporter I'm saying to myself, 'Isn't that George Buck Flower?' No! No way!
Yeah, it was him. He even plays the female, out in the field reporter, but doesn't shave the mustache. Awesome! The movie is like a poverty row version of THE GROOVE TUBE or KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE. There are goofy commercials interspersed throughout them tracking down Dracula.I did think it odd that the Dracula scenes were done with silent film title cards. Made it a little surreal.
A quick watch that deserves rediscovery. I  watched it for Antoinette Maynard, who I fell for the first time I saw BLOOD HUNGER, which is actually a redubbed version of Gary Graver's THE KILL. Incidentally, if anyone out there knows where I might be able to get a copy of THE KILL or THE AFFAIRS OF APHRODITE, please contact me at this blog.
Oh, and it was weird watching her do hardcore. There was one point where I thought that George was going to partake, but it never happened, Thank God!
I will have to upload a clip of this myself as I can find nothing online. I'll get that done later today.



Next up is the believed, Lee Frost classic THE PICK-UP. This gives us the tale of Frankie and Tony, two bag men making a pick up of cold, hard cash in Las Vegas and getting it to Los Angeles post haste. Then they run across two damsels in distress, Dana and Marcia. After Frankie and Dana get it on in the back seat they decide it's time to hit a little motel for some party fun.
Until Marcia pulls a gun on Tony and ties him up. Frankie follows suit and soon the ladies have stashed the cash and left the men handcuffed in the seedy motel room.
But, Tony is the resourceful type and soon they are free and on the run after the girls. They have to get the money back before the mob decides they have bugged out with a million dollars  and put out a hit on them.
It takes no time to catch up to the girls, but they aren't talking.
What do you do to women when your life is on the line?
THE PICK-UP might be considered a roughie for no other reason than they whip and beat the girls, apply nipple electrocution and throw them in a bathtub of scalding water.
But, it's more than that. It comes across as one of those dime store hard crime novels. No one in this flick is a good guy. Tony and Frankie are in this for themselves. Their bosses are the worst kind of humanity. This is actually funny as the Vegas Boss, Charlie, is played by a young David F. Friedman.
In the end there are double crosses, triple crosses and a hail of bullets with bodies flying everywhere.
At a clip of 90 minutes, this flick actually propels itself forward at a manic pace.
Director Frost is in his element like other films of his like THE DEFILERS, DIXIE DYNAMITE and A CLIMAX OF BLUE POWER. During the torture scenes he uses some freeze frames that jar you and put you into the scene better than if he had just filmed it.



This was a good time and a well made film that any fan of the roughies would want to add to their collection.
And, yes, Antoinette Maynard is in it. She is trying to convince Charlie that he needs to put her in his next show. Charlie takes her in the bedroom for an 'audition' and then I was torn between seeing Antoinette ad David F. Friedman in a steamy sex scene. I was also not a fan of her wig. Normally she has long, flowing hair. This put it up and made it short. Not a good look for her.




Thursday, August 23, 2012

HEDONISTIC PLEASURES (1969)/JERSEY SHORE SHARK ATTACK (2012)

Talk about an odd double feature. Let us delve!



HEDONISTIC PLEASURES is an extremely bizarre mock documentary on the wild sex life in Hollywood. You get hookers and hippies and acid trips and...well, you get the idea. Directed by Ed DePriest, this is only 55 minutes and he tries to pack in as much female flesh as possible.
The weird part is the boobies.
The first girl has missile shaped ones with the entire end of the titty being nipple. The next girl is a lopsided A cup, more like an A- cup. They finally gave us a nice looking pair and her ass was scary. It was a no win kind of thing. The scene with the hippies smoking grass and swimming seems familiar like it was in another mondo flick, but I can't place it. The scene with the couple tripping on acid had this cool projector that made it look like these bizarre shapes were erupting from her mouth. That was cool.
In the end it's a curiosity and required for any Ed DePriest completists. Not too hard as he only directed four films. Yes, I've seen three of them.
No trailer to be found anywhere, I'm afraid, but there is a poster;



JERSEY SHORE SHARK ATTACK was a little different. I have never seen an episode of Jersey Shore. I know of Snooki and The Situation. In this flick it was Nooki and The Complication. Melissa Molinaro plays Nooki and she's actually much prettier than the real thing.
As for the movie;
The shark effects are horrible. Almost all CGI and bad at that. There is one shot of where they caught one and that shark looked pretty cool. Apparently they are albino bull head sharks that are attracted to sound and since they are drilling to put in supports for a new fancy hotel, here come the sharks!
Paul Sorvino, William Atherton (The jackhole from Ghostbusters and Die Hard) and Tony Sirico (Didn't he make enough cash from The Sopranos??) are slumming it here. Sorvino actually looks embarrassed.
In the end this was funny a few times, gory a few times and I was rooting for the sharks. I can't believe that none of the Jersey Shore doppelgangers got eaten. What a gyp!


Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Double Feature At The Waltz Compound

Haven't done one of these in a while. Had a busy morning with a job interview. Hope that goes well. Then I decided to get a double dose of crap. My daughter, Dandelion watched the first one with me. Martha listened in and made fun of the second one with me. Ready? Here we go.


CHEERLEADER MASSACRE

From the fabulous Jim Wynorski, we get, well a Jim Wynorski film. You know the one. Bunch of hot girls, a cabin out in the woods, hot tubs with dozens of bottles of chocolate syrup nearby. You know! A Jim Wynorski film!
Anyway, there are a group of cheerleaders that are on their way to a game or something. One of them gets killed before they leave the locker room. They run out of gas because of a busted fuel line and are forced to hike to the aforementioned cabin.
We find out that this killer, Jeremiah McPherson is on the loose and in the area and the body count is rising.
But, something is not right. The MO is off.
Is Jeremiah McPherson their only worry?
CHEERLEADER MASSACRE is a fun throwback to the slasher films of old. Not the good ones, but the low rent type. Think SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE  without the wit and originality and you're on the right track.
It's a Wynorski flick so the amount of boobs are humongous, as a re the actual boobs. The acting is deplorable, but there are lots of boobs. The interesting part of this is half of the female cast manages to keep their tops on. So, how does genius Wynorski deal with this? He has the comic relief, Buzzy, tell a story about three girls running from a killer and winding up at a cabin that has a big bath tub and, conveniently enough, several bottles of chocolate syrup lined up next to it. You can guess what goes on at that point.
For a film of this caliber there are some interesting ideas going on here. It's really the one true twist in the flick so, I won't spoil it here.
We get a few intersting kills, the one where the killer lets the hose run under the feet of a woman trying to turn the power box back on and when she flips the switch gets toasted was the best one. Wynorski manages to blend some high budget stock footage into the film to give it a better feel.
Finally, I have to mention that the power gets knocked out of the cabin early on in the flick. Apparently it is a weird fuse box that lets certain rooms have power while others don't. Just adds to the hilarity of what is CHEERLEADER MASSACRE.






YETI, CURSE OF THE SNOW DEMON

As is the rules with any SyFy film, we get a flashback to the 70's so that we can see the titular beast kill someone. Then we hit the Present Day signage and start the movie! We have a college football team on their way to Tokyo for an exhibition game. This has them flying over the Himalayas. Well, until their idiot pilots crash the plane because they don't know how to fly over the storm.
This leaves us with a handful of college kids, a large piece of the fuselage to use as a set, uh I mean shelter. And the Yeti roaming the countryside looking for food of the college kid variety.
The movie tries to incorporate aspects of a monster flick with the stranded in the mountains how long til we eat our friends genre. The one guy, Ravin, (and with a douche name like that you knew he was a douche before he started acting like a douche) starts screaming for human flesh pretty early on. Reminded me of that South Park episode where they are trapped for a couple of hours in a snowstorm and then they eat Eric Roberts.
The captain of the football team tries to keep the survivors together, but douche bag Ravin is sabotaging him at every corner. Their biggest issue, besides the yeti, is that the tail of the plane is nowhere near the black box/locator device they need so the search party can find them.
The 'search party' being Sheppard (Peter Deluise) and Fury (Ona Grauer) and, because of the weather, are on foot.
Now it's a race against time before the Yeti runs out of dead bodies and starts craving something a little fresher.
YETI, CURSE OF THE SNOW DEMON is not a bad film. It's a SyFy film so it already was brought into the world with a chip on it's shoulder, trying to prove itself. I was impressed that the CGI was at a minimum, used for the plane crash and only when the Yeti ran or jumped. Yes, apparently, Yeti can jump in a way that would put Mario to shame. But, for the rest of the film, it was a guy in a suit. It wasn't a bad suit, but it wasn't a great suit.
No real acting to speak of to get in the way of the action. Jerry Gross' horrid black and white film MANBEAST is still a better Yeti flick, but this one tried to make it different with the plane crash survivors with the haunting possibility of cannibalism.
Best part of the film is two of the football players go in search of the black box. They get cornered by the Yeti and try to squeeze through a crevasse. The little guy makes it (probably their goal kicker, yeah, I know a lot about football), when he tries to help his bulkier buddy all he manages to get is the big guy's arm. Later, when he breaks his leg he uses his buddy's arm as a split. This was so cool! I'm pretty sure I never saw this before ever. A bright ray of sunshine in an otherwise mediocre flick.   


Monday, August 20, 2012

BIGFOOT (2012)



I loves me a bigfoot movie. Or a Yeti movie for that matter. When you add Danny Bonaduce and Barry Williams and their characters in the flick fight, then it gets better. Throw in Bruce Davison and that just ups the ante. I'd tell you that the addition of Sherilyn Fenn makes it even better, but when did she get so thick? So sad. But then we get the addition of Alice Cooper and all is right with the world.
Sure, you could complain about the CGI bigfoot, but that's like complaining about a crappy rubber suit from the 50's. It's kinda the same thing. This is a really big bigfoot, however, we're talking King Kong sized.
Anyway, Barry is the tree hugging hippy who wants to save the beast and Bonaduce is the radio shock jock who wants to bag and tag the monster to make the town famous and make some cash at the same time.
Bigfoot is a fun little time waster of a monster movie.
SYFY has done so much worse than this. I wish that meant more.


POSSESSION(S)



Frank (Laurence Fuller) is obsessed by the work of Peter Booth. When he and his girlfriend, Selina (Asher Keddie) are invited to her ex husband, Paul's (Max Cullen) home for the weekend, he shows Frank the latest Peter Booth painting, Frank knows he must have it. He offers Paul money, but Paul has other ideas. Paul's daughter, Natasha (Trilby Beresford) has ideas of her own.
POSSESSION(S) is a unique film that shows what a person's obsession can create and destroy. The cast is pitch perfect and shows us this tiny slice of humanity that has drifted so far from normalcy that they will never be able to find their way back.
A haunting film with an ending that caught me by surprise and when you think you have that sorted out, it shifts a little and makes it even more intense than before.


INSIDE THE LEGEND

 INSIDE THE LEGEND is a mockumentary of those insipid interview shows that litter TV land. The difference with this one is that they interview famous people through literature. Beowulf, Shakespeare, even Jill of Jack and Jill fame.
With your hosts Chaz Hannigan (Phil LaMarr) and Rhonda Kokopele (Vanessa Ragland) they ask the important questions of the time.
Not really.
Most of the time they don't even know who they are interviewing, wrapped snugly in their own egos.
This is a funny little show, the two hosts take turns being the guests depending on gender, except for the Shakespeare who is actually played by Vanessa in a little cross dressing nod to The Bard.
This is pretty funny, laugh out loud kind of stuff. Be sure to check it out for a quick laugh...or five! 

Lizzie Borden is the first episode, check it out;

Saturday, August 18, 2012

SPACE GUYS IN SPACE

Sometimes movies don't cut. Sometime television is 800 channels of nothing and boring! What is there to watch? I would recommend YouTube. And I don't mean the drivel put out by teenagers on their phone camera. I mean actual, well done, produced shows.
For example SPACE GUYS IN SPACE.
After the planet Earth explodes and the last of humanity travels through space to find a new home, the fleet is destroyed. All that is left is one escape pod with Carl (Jason Marsden) and Stew (Dave Levine). Not the best that humanity could have hoped for. They are assisted by the onboard A.I. GUSS (Nicole Pacent) who, as a gorgeous hologram, taunts Carl at every turn. Especially since she is a dead ringer for his unrequited crush.
As they hurtle through space, surviving on a steady diet of pizza and beer that comes from a conveniently placed wormhole in the escape pod.
At an average length of 5 minutes SPACE GUYS IN SPACE manages to keep things tight and hilarious as they face off against Amazons and condescending Albinards.
This is some funny stuff and with 13 episodes under their belt they show no sign of slowing down.
Hit the link above and enjoy. In the meantime, here's Episode 1;

Thursday, August 16, 2012

SWORD AND SANDAL FROM WARNER ARCHIVE!!!

Two new releases from Warner Archive are available for the true fan of old school sword and sandal epics.


 First up is Hercules, Samson and Ulysses. Sounds like an odd trio when you blend Greek mythology with some Old Testament Judeo-Christianity with a sprinkle of the dude from Homer's epic tale. Makes for an interesting mashup. For some reason, the Ulysses character comes across more as Howard Walowitz from Big Bang Theory than some sort of hero. He's kind of a wimp. The other two are your typical musclemen who first fight one another and then join forces to defeat the evil king of The Philistines.
An obvious low budget film, as evidenced by the sea monster they fight is nothing more than a seal that is never shown in frame with Hercules. When he throws a giant spear it changes to a tinier version when it strikes the seal.
Hercules also fights a bull and a lion with his bare hands. I laughed when he was more impressed with himself later in the film when he caught a chicken. I guess a chicken is the hardest of all the wild animals to kill.
The print is pretty good. The colors are nice, but could have been more vibrant and there is speckling and other things throughout the film they could have cleaned up.
One last thing. They might want to reconsider whoever it is they have writing the copy for the back of the DVD case. It was a groaner;
"Now this is a smackdown, ancient-myth style. No octagonal steel cage. No rules. No surrender. It's Hercules vs. Samson in a brawl to outdo them all, hurling spears, heaving chunks of pillars and, in the clinches, bending thick iron rods around each other. Hercules had set out to find Samson and deliver him to the Philistines in exchange for the imprisoned Ulysses and other Ithacans. Samson, of course, fights rather than submits. But in the course of the titanic Herc-Sam clash, something happens. The two rivals develop a mutual respect and decide to join forces against their common foes: the Philistines. From an enduring filmmaking tradition that unites monsters (Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man), desperados (Return of the Badmen) and superheroes (The Avengers) comes a not-to-be-overlooked film that brings together Hercules, Samson and Ulysses. Strap up your sandals' calf-high leather laces and get ready to rumble."
Um...Blergh?
I was impressed with the 17.95 price tag and Warner Archives is notorious for charging a lot for what is really a glorified DVD-R.
Any Hercules fan will want this for their collection. 






Next up is Damon and Pythias.

Guy Williams did this one between Zorro and Lost in Space. I think he and co star, Don Burnett, were looking for something to make them movie stars. Yeah, this wasn't it.
This is the legendary tale of friendship between two legendary figures of history. Yeah, it looks good and I can see why it was regulated to the Warner Archives, but it is so damned dull! If you're a true fan of these epic sword and sandal pictures then you're going to want to get it, but the curiosity seeker might want to just get the Hercules flick instead. It's a lot more fun than this one. Although the text on the back of this DVD case isn't nearly as bad.

Monday, August 6, 2012

MUNDO DEPRAVADOS & IN HOT BLOOD

God Bless Something Weird Video!
If it wasn't for them I would never have seen these films.
Mundo Depravados starts with a woman being chased through what looks like the New York garment district by a masked man. He catches up with her and stabs her and strips her down. In come detectives Riley and Hamilton (played by the comedy duo of Decker and Reed) to find out who this bizarre sex killer really is. They end up at a health club for women run by Tango (Tempest Storm) who is also an exotic dancer. Of course she is.


There is lots of classic women getting disrobed, murdered and attacked. Tempest does a bizarre dance number and helps the cops find out who the sex killer is.
There are a couple of things that make this film so fascinating. It is shot in New York. 1966/67 New York. All the exteriors are like a fabulous time capsule of places that would never be documented otherwise. Sure, Tempest Storm is one of the more wooden actresses of her time but, let's be honest. We aren't here for her acting. She has more memorable assets.





The comedy team of Decker and Reed are great as the cops. Decker plays the straight man while Reed is hilarious in his adoration and worship of Tempest. This is an enjoyable 73 minutes of time in a place that doesn't exist anymore and we are all a little less for the disappearance of a more innocent time.



In Hot Blood is a different bird in the same nudie frame. Rita (Doris Porro) is a full figured bombshell who is sick of the grind of factory work. She knows she's got it so, why not get paid for it? First it's just innocent modeling, but it isn't long before she descends into a lifestyle of sex, drugs and...well, sex. Marijuana at first, but it isn't long before the dreaded needle comes out. What will Rita do? Continue to slide down that slippery slope or make a stand?


With nothing but narration to lead us through this bizarre world of In Hot Blood, we get a view of depravity. Depravity lite might be a better description. There is a lot of nudity, some I wish would have stayed clothed, but the drug thing is just there until the harder stuff in the film's climax.
NOW FOR THE SPOILER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The only black girl in the film pulls out a baggie of heroin and proceeds to get a shot in the ass. Apparently this is a new, psychotic strain of heroin because she tries to force it on Rita and doesn't stop until Rita and her girlfriend beat her into unconsciousness.


When she awakens she is still in a rage, grabs a wicked looking cleaver from her purse and heads out to find the girls. She finds them after a lengthy lesbian tryst and hacks Rita up. The other girl grabs a gun from her endtable and shoots the drug crazed girl as she is hacked to pieces as well. The ending is so downbeat.
I did laugh when the narrator, who is also director Joel Landwehr, described Rita's coat as being orange. That would be great in a color film, but in a black and white one it becomes unintentional hilarity.
A really odd pair of films that work as a sign of the times and what things looked like back in the day.

I saved this one for last. She's the prettiest thing in the movie.

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